A few months ago, my ex-girlfriend and her husband got divorced and now my ex-girlfriend wanted to get back our relationship. I didn’t expect that we can still have a conversation after a long time ago we broke up. She told me that she still loves me and I still love her too and I told myself this is a chance for me to marry her. However, I don’t understand my feeling, why I’m so unhappy. Please, I need an advice on what should I do.
Best regards!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Look at how long it has been since she’s been divorced if she has had time to heal and move on with her life.
• It may be also important to know why they got divorced.
• Look at the reasons why the two of you were not married when you were together.
• Make istikharah.
As Salamu Alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us. You stated that a few months ago your ex-girlfriend and her husband got divorced and that she now wants to get back together with you. You expressed feelings of being unhappy and stated you didn’t expect that you could still have a conversation after such a long time.
When someone from our past reappears after being gone for a long time, we should question their motives as well as look more closely at the reasons why they may be reaching out.
A Closer Look
I would kindly suggest that you look at a few factors. Please, look at how long it has been since she’s been divorced if she has had time to heal and move on with her life, as well as her reasons for wanting to reach out to you again.
It may be also important to know why they got divorced. While these things may be private for her, they are very important to you as she wants to marry you.
Often times when a divorce happens there are serious issues. It would be important for you to know what some of these issues are and if she is responsible for some of the reasons for the marital breakup.
Check out this counseling video:
Informed Decisions
I would kindly suggest brother that you do have a conversation with her about her marriage. Find out what happened, what she has done for herself to heal from the break-up, as well as what is she doing to start a new life. You don’t want to be a “rebound” or afterthought for somebody who was freshly divorced.
I mean sometimes when somebody gets divorced they rush into a relationship just to forget the pain and heartache that they feel from the divorce. The new person that they get involved with often serves as a distraction from issues that they need to deal with. I would kindly advice, brother, that you do find out all of the details if possible so you can make an informed decision.
I’m not sure of your age, but if you have a third party get involved to help you to decide if this is something that is genuine, that would be advisable. Often times, a person who is not emotionally involved (as you are) can see things you may overlook. Perhaps one of your parents, a brother, an imam, or close friend can accompany you when you speak with her. In fact, a third party present is always required in Islam as you know.
Again I don’t know how long it’s been since you last spoke, and since she has been married and now divorced for only a few months, I would advise you to take this very slow. While you may feel that you still love her, it seems much time has gone by as she was married.
People can change over time. She may not be the same girl that you knew years ago.
Also, please do insha’Allah, look at the reasons why the two of you were not married when you were together. These reasons could provide clues as to your feelings of unhappiness as well as reasons why you should not marry her now. Insha’Allah please do make sure this that this is a genuine attraction. If you’re feeling unhappy about this new opportunity in your life it could be that deep down, you feel that there is something wrong or something not quite right about her appearance in your life. I would follow your intuition and take it seriously. It may be a sign.
The Power of Prayer
In addition to speaking with her in regards to the marriage, the divorce, and what happened, I would also suggest insha’Allah that you make Istikharah prayer. As you know, when we pray to Allah about an important decision in our lives we get the best guidance. I will kindly suggest spending much time in prayer after you have talked to her, and ask Allah for direction in this matter. There is no hurry in making a decision and Allah knows best.
We wish you the best.
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