I took care of her day and night, next day I asked her to come with me so I could take care of her and my husband and all three of us could be together. She refused to come with me. I understood what she said and told her it was ok, my husband can stay with her and take care of her although I really wanted her to come with me.
Next morning, she told my husband some weird story, said sorry to him that because of her my husband and I are living separately over the weekend so he should go back to me.
My husband felt I made his sister feel guilty about him staying with her and started fighting with me, which continued on for two days. My sister in law interfered and screamed and yelled at me over the phone saying I made her feel guilty that my husband was staying with her.
I apologized to her a millions of times if she felt this way when I had no such intention. She said even if I came begging to her door for forgiveness, she would not forgive me.
I sent her flowers, apologized over texts but she refused to accept any apology. My mom in law came over from Pakistan and she started interfering and threatened me with divorce if I didn't apologize to her daughter.
My husband also said the same to me. I told him I did, then he told me I was a liar and his sister isn't crazy that she is still asking for apology.
My mom then told her that you are leaving a girl who is silently spending her life with your impotent son, and she hasn't even complained once about it, she has been silently protecting your son's honor.
This news reached my father in law who was in Pakistan and called up my husband and told him that your in laws are calling you gay when my parents never even used that word, they never even used the word impotent for him. He started fighting again with me.
After all, he went to Pakistan and left me alone here in the US. Later he called me saying he is sending the divorce papers. My begging, my crying, my love, my constant apologies nothing worked, i messed up my own life, i should have never talked to my sis in law and asked her to come over to my place.
I can't forget that night ever, and I can never forgive myself for telling my parents about my husband’s erectile dysfunction. Their intentions were good but they discussed it at the wrong time and my marriage ended.
Was it decreed by Allah that I will get divorced? My heart is not at peace and I can’t forget and move on, I feel like ending my life and getting rid of this misery.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Suppose you made mistakes during your little time in marriage, as humans, we all make mistakes.
What you are currently experiencing is the different stages of grief after your divorce.
You need to allow yourself to grieve for all the shattered hopes and dreams.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,
I am sorry about what you are going through. I absolutely understand your anguish about your divorce. Marriage is a sensitive issue and requires a great deal of understanding, compassion, and willingness to forgive on both sides. If even one party in the marriage becomes too rigid, the marriage is very likely to fall apart.
As you have described in your post, you did make your best efforts to reconcile with your spouse and his family. However, they were rigid and unwilling to compromise; hence, the marriage ended. You did try your best to make it work, so perhaps this was better for you in the long run. Allah knows best.
Suppose you made mistakes during your little time in marriage, as humans, we all make mistakes. But when you sought forgiveness, your in-laws should have had the spirit of forgiving. It seemed as your mother-in-law was intent to have you divorced since the way she “threatened” you and your family about the separation.
I agree with what you have said about destiny. Indeed, everything that is meant to happen has already been written in Lauh al-Mahfooz.
However, as human beings, we do have a free will and the ability to choose right and wrong. Therefore, we will be held accountable for our actions in the Hereafter. For instance, if your sister-in-law wrongly accused you of doing something you did not intend, she will be questioned in the Hereafter.
The Stages of Grief
What you are currently experiencing is the different stages of grief after your divorce. Definitely, when you go through a marriage you intend to spend all your life with the person you marry. You have goals and dreams about future.
The inability to complete those goals resulting from separation takes a toll on your mind. You need to allow yourself to grieve for all the shattered hopes and dreams.
The stages of grief include shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. It appears that you’re currently experiencing guilt and depression. Perhaps even anger at the parties involved in the process.
It is absolutely normal to experience these feelings. Being aware of these stages will help you to cope with your grief better, In sha’ Allah. For instance, accepting your pain is the first important step in overcoming it. Have faith and ask Allah for help and mercy. He will grant your heart peace and hope, In sha Allah.
The Quran says:
“Verily, in the Zikr of Allah will your heart find peace.” [ 13:28]
It is also important to realize that as time passes, for example, after your grieving period (Iddah) is over, your pain and feeling of loss will be much lesser, In sha’ Allah. You will be able to experience life naturally and you will be even better as a person.
So, while the pain is a natural process of the soul’s system of healing, use it to make yourself closer to Allah.
Check out this counseling video:
Be Open to Support
Another important thing when dealing with grief is not to conceal your feelings within yourself. Be open and expressive about how you feel and don’t hide from the world. Hiding from the world will only make you feel worse and inept to face it later on.
Vent out your emotions to your close ones, for instance, a trusted friend, a sibling, parents – whoever you feel comfortable sharing with.
Also, be open to help, when others try to help you. Accepting your vulnerabilities can help you in times such as this.
If you close yourself to everyone at this time, it is likely that people will learn to stay away from your emotions. And when you need to talk about something personal or emotional – there won’t be a proper channel for your outlet.
Be Aware of Prying People
It is understandable that you might not be feeling open to people probing and asking you questions all the time about why your marriage couldn’t work or ended in such a short time. Please understand that you do not have any responsibility to answer uncomfortable questions of people trying to pry into your life. You can tell them that this is a subject you do not want to discuss.
This is Not a Failure or the End
Believing you are a failure just because your marriage ended – which was not even your fault – will make you lose your self-confidence and self-worth. It is important not to label yourself as a failure.
In our culture, people have a tendency to view divorced women as a disappointment to your family. It is best to ignore any such comments if you hear any and not let them affect you.
Ma sha’ Allah, you are a productive and strong lady. Continue to focus your energy on positive things such as your work and getting closer to Allah. You will be rewarded in this world as well as in the Hereafter, In sha’ Allah.
If you feel you experience low self-esteem and lack of confidence, make a list of all your strengths and achievements in life. Make it your goal to increase your strengths as time goes by. Also, go through those lists whenever you feel you’re going through low self-worth.
Focus on Recovery and Resilience
Recovery from grief naturally makes one grow as an individual, so focus on the positives of the event rather than the negative. This will help you build your resilience.
Resilience is a concept much like “immunity” in the body. Resilience will help you become stronger as a person and help you face any negative events in life – if you may face any (God Forbid).
Let the Past Be in The Past
Whatever happened is in the past, ruminating it (going over it again and again in your head) will do no good. Thinking about what “could have been” will only torture you and make you focused on your past. Think about your future and re-evaluate your goals about life. You are still young and can easily marry again, if you wish, In sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
