In this counseling answer:
Grieving over a loss is a natural human reaction, but we need to think beyond the past and move on to the future. The counselor advises getting active, visiting different places in order to gain back the motivation for life, counting even the smallest blessings of Allah (swt) in you life, and most importantly getting closer to Allah (swt).
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
I pray that Allah (swt) relieves you from depression and your state of grief as soon as possible.
I can understand the grief, loss, and the sadness that you must be feeling as a result of losing someone you were interested in marrying for such a long time. I hope Allah (swt) gives the strength in your time of hardships.
Dear sister, you must understand that whatever has happened is the will of Allah (swt). Although it may seem that life is unfair at times, Allah (swt) is always looking out for our best. The life of the individual you wanted to marry was written to end two months ago. Had you married him, you would have been widowed. Therefore, Allah (swt) did not marry you to him because He (swt) knew that you would not be able to bear the pain of losing him if he had become your husband. Allah (swt) has the knowledge of the unseen. He knows what is better for us while we are completely unaware of everything. As His slaves, we must learn to place our complete trust in Him.
I understand that getting absolutely no support from your parents during this time in your life must be devastating. Therefore, I advise you to think beyond your past. Your past is the past now. You must learn to move on. The individual who you once loved was from Allah (swt) and now he has returned to Allah (swt). His time in the world ended, but yours has not ended. You must make use of that time to enrich your life and seek blessings from Allah (swt).
Given that your parents are not willing to understand you, you must get busy trying to seek support from Allah (swt). Call out to Allah (swt) using His names. Allah (swt) in the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate; therefore, He will never do anything but the best for His creation.
You need to force yourself and change yourself for the better. Your current state of depression will take you on a path to deteriorating health and a short life. In my opinion, you need to get active. It may be extremely hard, but start off small. Try going for a walk when the weather is nice. Or try doing something you like. Being depressed is a sign of being hopeless in the Mercy of Allah (swt), and hopelessness is not a characteristic of a believing individual.
In addition, a change of scenery is shown to cause a positive change in the mental state of even depressed individuals! Therefore, because you lack motivation and feel helpless, visiting different places, given your vacation time, will be a great way to get yourself motivated and inspired once again.
Part of your depression comes from your inability to see positivity in your life. Positivity is also strengthened by counting Allah’s blessings and practicing gratitude. If you have food in your fridge, clothes to cover you, and a roof over your head, you are richer than more than 50% of the world. Count the small things in life; they make the biggest difference.
Grieving over a loss is a natural human reaction. However, it is not natural to base your entire life around the loss you have experienced.
“Walk by faith, not by sight.” (Anonymous)
To elaborate, this means that even if you do not see a pathway lit, and question its existence because it is not visible to the eye, have faith that there is nonetheless a pathway for you walk upon.
Allah (swt) says in the Quran,
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (13:28)
True sadness and despair tend to deviate us from believing in the power of Allah (swt). So, remember Allah (swt) often. Your degree of happiness depends on your level of connection with Allah (swt).
You need to try your best to forget your past and be grateful for your present and hopeful for your future.
Abu Huraira (ra) reported that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said that Allah (swt) said,
“I am near to the thought of My servant as he thinks about Me, and I am with him as he remembers Me. And if he remembers Me in his heart, I also remember him in My heart, and if he remembers Me in assembly I remember him in assembly, better than his (remembrance), and if he draws near Me by the span of a palm, I draw near him by the cubit, and if he draws near me by the cubit I draw near him by the space (covered by) two hands. And if he walks towards Me, I rush towards him.” (Muslim)
So, in sha’ Allah, if you sincerely try to get closer to Allah (swt), He will approach you at a greater speed. And when you will find Allah (swt), everything will fall in its place and peace and positivity will be restored once again.
Last but not least, although I may sound harsh, I need to get the right facts to you. By being in a relationship with a guy for 7 years without marriage, dear sister, you have committed a sin. Allah (swt) advice us to keep away from such relationships because most often than not they end in heartbreak. It is very rare that such relationships end in successful or blissful marriage. Anything which disregards the words of Allah (swt) and the rules set by Him will never bring about success or prosperity. You must ask Allah (swt) to forgive you for being with a man for 7 years without marriage.
In Islam, when two individuals are seriously seeking to get married, they must make sure that they are never alone or spend time with each other without the presence of a chaperone. When two individuals are alone, they are bound to fall prey to the whispers of Shaytan and commit sins. Allah (swt) is the Pardoner and the Effacer of sins. Do not doubt His forgiveness.
May Allah (swt) replace what you have lost with something better.
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