Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. We understand how difficult the current situation is for you, but we assure you that, in sha’ Allah, with some effort on your part and complete trust in Allah (swt), you will address the situation to your satisfaction. Congratulations on your recent marriage!
First, what you have been experiencing is normal, and you should not feel ashamed at all. Dealing with the death of one’s spouse, especially at a young age, is a traumatic and difficult experience. You loved your former husband a great deal and, as you said, you “clicked emotionally and sexually.” There is nothing wrong or abnormal with cherishing the memories of one’s former spouse. But as we will point out later, it cannot ever be at the expense of neglecting or hurting one’s current spouse.
We have in the life of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) a beautiful example of how even after the death of Khadijah (ra) he spoke highly of her and cherished the memories of her, so much so that his wife ‘A’ishah (ra) once complained,
“I was not jealous of any other wife of the Prophet as I was jealous of Khadijah, because of his constant mentioning of her and because God had commanded him to give her good tidings of a mansion in Paradise of precious stones. And whenever he sacrificed a sheep he would send a fair portion of it to those who had been her intimate friends. Many a time I said to him it is as if there had never been any other woman in the world except Khadijah.” (Tirmidhi)
In another instance, ‘A’ishah referred to Khadijah as “an old Quraysh woman.” (Bukhari) The Prophet (saw) was hurt and defended Khadijah saying, “She was the wife who believed in me when others rejected me. When people gave me the lie, she affirmed my truthfulness. When I stood forsaken, she spent her wealth to lighten the burden of my sorrow.” The Prophet Muhammad (saw), however, did go on to marry other women and was uniquely fair in his treatment of all of them.
Second, you must remember now that you are married, your husband has a right over you, no matter how wonderful your former husband was. While no one but Allah (swt) has knowledge of your thoughts, you should take precautions never to become so engrossed in the memories of your former husband that you hurt your current husband. He might not have similar qualities as those of your former husband, but he deserves your love, caring, and understanding. He might be much older than your former husband, but you knew that before you married him and so this cannot be held against him now.
In addition, while you could not have known what intimate relations would be like with your current husband, we suggest that you come to terms with what you have now and not live entirely in the past. How hurt would you be if you found out that your current husband thinks of another woman when he has relations with you? You must agree that it would be quite hurtful. Just as you appreciated the qualities your former husband possessed, you must now bring yourself to appreciate the qualities your current husband possesses. Appreciate him for who he is and do not always compare him to your late husband.
Third, with specific issues such as having children, you need to realize that having children with your current husband could help you to keep things in perspective and not keep living in the past. Your son with your first husband will, in sha’ Allah, always be a reminder to you of his late father. Any children you have with your current husband will help you to move on with your life. Having more children will not take away from or negate any of the beautiful qualities that your former husband possessed. Perhaps Allah Most High will grant you the capacity to love both your son from your first husband and any children you have with your current husband. Make du`aa’ to Allah (saw) to grant you that capacity to love!
Finally, we remind you to be grateful to Allah (saw)for everything you have now and everything you had in the past. Your late husband sounds like he was a wonderful man, but he has passed away, and now Allah (saw)has blessed you with a new husband, ma sha’ Allah! Make the most of your new married life, in sha’ Allah. Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah (saw) for your late husband, your current husband, and your family in general. You have been through quite a lot but, in sha’ Allah, with enough du`aa’ and continued effort, you will be blessed with a family that is dear to you in all aspects! Amen.
Salam,
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