Answer
In this counseling answer:
“It’s true that the more a person looks at porn, the harder it is for them to be aroused by a real woman. You may not be content with “normal” sexual relations because your brain has associated the videos you have watched as being desirable and normal sexual relations as boring. The answer to protecting yourself from these scenarios is to stick to a life of addiction recovery for the next 5 years no matter what and develop contentment with life and the natural way of things as they are.”
As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum,
Congratulations on deciding to take this important step. May Allah (swt) bless your marriage. It’s true that the more a person looks at porn, the harder it is for them to be aroused by a real woman. Therefore, many brothers and sisters harm their marriage before even looking for spouses. Such a long-term habit is difficult to stop, but it is possible. In fact, thousands of people do it every year by following a system of addiction recovery.
This problem can cause problems to your future marriage in different ways. Here are three ways:
1. You may not be content with “normal” sexual relations because your brain has associated the videos you have watched as being desirable, and normal sexual relations as boring. The women who are in those videos are not everyday women, thus it may leave you feeling let down when you are with the average normal woman.
2. Your wife may feel disrespected if you start asking her to perform the things you see on video and let down when she finds out you look at porn.
3. You may develop rage against your wife due to the feeling that you are not being fulfilled by your wife sexually.
The answer to protecting yourself from these scenarios is to stick to a life of addiction recovery for the next 5 years no matter what and develop contentment with life and the natural way of things as they are.
A good place to start living a life of addiction recovery is by educating yourself and reading the reviews of many good books on amazon.com that can be purchased digitally. I suggest reading 3 different books by 3 different authors about pornography addiction recovery.
In addition, add lessons you have learned from yourself and put a recovery plan together. A recovery plan is a few easy-to-do things that are natural and easy for you to do consistently and daily. These steps will keep you in the recovery mindset regardless if you relapse or not because it’s about improving over time.
You can learn to develop contentment by teaching yourself to enjoy life the way Allah (swt) gives it to you. You do it by not being a person who feels the need to have more and more to be happy or feel the need to keep up with the Joneses (“to try to own all the same things as people you know in order to seem as good as them).
The Messenger of Allah (saw) summed it up when he (saw) said,
“Riches does not mean having a great amount of property, but riches is self-contentment.” (Al-Bukhari)
You can marry the most beautiful wife in the world, but no one can compete with a fantasy.
Sex is only like 5% of a marriage normally – unless it’s a problem, then it becomes 95% of problems. A question to ask yourself,
“other than for marital relations, what is the point of me getting married, and what am I going to do to have a happy and harmonious family in the long term?”
It’s an important question because the person who doesn’t think and have an idea of the focus of his marriage will find it a frustrating experience. But the one who does will find it a beautiful experience that will cause him to grow. It’s important to ask yourself what type of father and husband you would like to be. I’m sure you have thought about these things, but it’s good to be reminded of them from time to time.
Sexual performance is a mixture of the mind and body. Anxiety, worry, looking at porn, and being out of shape are things that negatively affect sexual performance. The biggest thing you can do if performance is an issue is to stop watching porn and take whatever steps you need to maintain recovery long term. If you feel the situation is more physical than mental, I advise you to speak with a doctor who specializes in sexual dysfunction.
Should you marry now or should you wait? The best way to answer this question is to ask yourself after you look at your good points (tolerance, attitude, religious practice, manners, disposition, job, motivation to change for the better ) and your bad points (temperament, level of maturity, shortcomings, lack of motivation to change, disobedience to Allah, lack of maturity). Ask yourself, if you had a daughter who you loved and wanted only good for her, would you want her to marry someone just like you, as you are today, or would you not? It may help if you get a sheet of paper and write out the pros on one side and cons on the other side of your wife marrying you and take a good look at it. I hope that helps.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
