My life is not good as my parents have a bad relationship with each other. I want to leave them, but I am stuck. I do not know what to do with my life. I started studying Quran and it helped me a lot, but I’ve stopped it recently. I don’t offer prayers regularly either. This happens whenever I am depressed.
Quran says to pray when feeling depressed, but I am unable to do it. I got stuck in my room watching bad things on the laptop. Later, I always regret it, but I can't stop it when urge arouses. Please help me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Reflect on why you really use pornography and take action to fulfill that aspect of your life in a healthier way.
• Get a job, go to school, or find pathways of purpose. The busier you are with beneficial goals, the less time and energy you will have to be alone and watch porn.
• The solution is not to just get married as porn addiction will likely continue during the marriage. If it is a habit and is due to deeper issues. You must work on the deeper issues once you have identified them with a professional.
• Erase porn content on your computer.
• Find a trustworthy friend or family member who can hold you accountable and who can be there for you when you have urges. This individual is meant to help you to have accountability by supporting you, and not to make you feel guilty or to judge you.
• Research online resources and help groups that you can join to discuss your journey.
-Salaamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Pornography is a very powerful platform for escapism and is highly common today. I learned from individuals going through the same journey that using pornography is not necessarily just about sexual desires. Its usage can also reflect many emotional and personal voids. When we feel empty or hopeless, we seek ways to kill those voids.
Some of the common reasons people use pornography are as follows (and it can be for more than one reason):
- Lust and desire for sex or “to be loved”
- Addiction to the rush and novelty of searching content
- Loneliness, boredom, isolation
- Lack of emotional intimacy and fulfillment in one’s life
- Anxiety, stress, and frustration of life
- Lack of a sense of control and/or success in one’s life
- Unhealthy or damaged sexuality due to sexual abuse in the past
- Lack of healthy sexuality in marriage
Do You Feel Emotionally Fulfilled?
Based on what you shared, you may be experiencing a few of these reasons. It could be due to your family issues. Was there any form of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse? Is there lack of love in your family? If so, one must consider different means that can address these problems and that help create a healthy environment for the family. When you feel truly bonded with your family and emotionally fulfilled, it may reduce your urges.
Check out this counseling video:
Your sharing suggests that you may suffer from a lack of direction or purpose in your life which makes you feel hopeless. When we are hopeless and numb inside, we can go to pornography for pleasure and shocking stimulation that makes us feel “alive” again. The feeling of having no direction with a plan can lead you to feel like you have no control over your life.
In the world of pornography, you have the illusion of total control. You can watch what you want, enjoy what you want, and see as much as you want for as long as you want. This feeling of power over the “subjects” of pornography gives the false sense that you have some control in your life. However, the reality is that once you turn off your computer, everything is the same. You will just feel guilty and more sadness which will then reboot your need to watch pornography to try to escape and feel better again.
Tips for your situation:
• Reflect on why you really use pornography and take action to fulfill that aspect of your life in a healthier way.
• Get a job, go to school, or find pathways of purpose. The busier you are with beneficial goals, the less time and energy you will have to be alone and watch porn.
• The solution is not to just get married as porn addiction will likely continue during the marriage. If it is a habit and is due to deeper issues. You must work on the deeper issues once you have identified them with a professional.
• Erase porn content on your computer.
• Find a trustworthy friend or family member who can hold you accountable and who can be there for you when you have urges. This individual is meant to help you to have accountability by supporting you, and not to make you feel guilty or to judge you.
• Research online resources and help groups that you can join to discuss your journey.
• If you have the budget, sign up with Purify Your Gaze, a Muslim website dedicated to helping with this journey.
May Allah (swt) help you in your journey of recovery,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.