Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Ramadan teaches us that we need – that we are dependent creatures – not independent! So, the question becomes: dependent on Who and what? Allan and his risq (provision).
•You can also explore with her the standard reason that people give for fastings: learning (by practicing) self-control – so that when we need to have it in our lives, we have some experience with it.
•Talk to her about the philosophical reasons why we obey Allah. Now that she is no longer little, the most you can do is keep the doors of conversation open and make du’a to Allah asking him to guide her and help strengthen her, InShaAllah.
Wa ‘alaikum Salaam,
I feel your pain! How to deal with teenage children who “act out” is hard. It has to do with our teenagers “individuating”, i.e., coming into their own as adults – separate from their parents.
Your daughter’s issue is Ramadan, specifically, but you may have more success if you focus your discussion with her on the philosophies and beliefs in religion that are at play in fasting, not about the specific behaviors.
Don’t “tell her what to do”. tell her why she should do something and then see if she agrees – if she does not, may be you did not explain it well – or maybe she is not there yet – or maybe she wants to do it when she is ready, not when you tell her to. Put the best construction on it. Don’t assume it means that she is not a good Believer.
Here are a few ideas:
Ramadan teaches us that we need – that we are dependent creatures – not independent! So, the question becomes: dependent on Who and what? Allan and his risq (provision).
Without any consciousness of Who and where it comes from, we forget that we need Allah – and need provision from Allah. When we forget that, we are taking Allah’s provision for granted – and that is “ungratefulness” –and that is a sin! But, don’t say that to her, let her figure that out!
Fasting reminds us of the above by forcing us to feel our dependence on Allah’s risq. Because dependence means, by definition, having another party in an equation –in the relationship – that forces us to realize that we are in a relationship with Allah, i.e., the One on whom we depend – but we need to remember that – and fasting forces us to realize that by making us feel our need for provision.
You can also explore with her the standard reason that people give for fastings: learning (by practicing) self-control – so that when we need to have it in our lives, we have some experience with it.
Another philosophical lesson embedded in fasting is training ourselves to endure suffering (again, by practicing it when it is not forced on us by dire circumstances we can gain some experience of it so that if and when we face it, we are more prepared).
It also teaches us, by feeling – to “feel” compassion for those who are suffering – because we know what they are going through InShaAllah.
Check out this counseling video
Talk to her about the philosophical reasons why we obey Allah. Now that she is no longer little, the most you can do is keep the doors of conversation open and make du’a to Allah asking him to guide her and help strengthen her, InShaAllah.
Now that she is older, all you can do is your best. That is what you will be “Judged” on by Allah –if you succeeded or not. Our Prophet (sawa) taught us that one of Allah’s Prophets gave the message of tawheed to his people and not one person followed him – his Reward from Allah was the same as if he had been “successful” in changing them.
So, please don’t forget these lessons: one, we are here to be tested and two, passing the test does not mean successfully changing the situation or even making a difference in it – it is all about your soul and your struggle for Allah and your personal relationship with Allah.
Salam
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.