Answer
In this counseling answer:
“If you and your husband can sit down and discuss these issues, it would be more beneficial in the long term, because only Allah (SWT) knows what will happen tomorrow. If the decision is that you can study and work, having a good social support mechanism is also very important, especially when it comes to having children. All evidence points to the necessity of children receiving ongoing emotional and psychological support from within the family so that they do not grow up to become estranged from either themselves and/or others.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
Thank you for sharing with us your concerns.
The importance of suitability when choosing a marriage partner cannot be over stressed, especially when it comes to children. Children need both parents to care for them, to support and guide them. Children also need to have two parents who care for each other as both parents are the role models who will shape their lives as young boys and girls to become responsible adults. A situation like yours too often transpires, and it can take years to resolve if one chooses to hold onto any resentment. The key is to not to hold onto any resentment.
Right now, you only see your life as it is now, and that means all else is lost. When one looks at one’s life in that way, it takes out all the opportunities waiting for you in the future, in sha’ Allah. If you look at it from the other end of the timeline, i.e. when you are too old to have children and are unable to do anything about it because your choices were already made a long time ago.
If for just one moment, forget that there is any contention between your goals and the children you have and will have in sha’ Allah. Al hamdu Lillah, you are at the age whereby you can have children, unlike the increasing number of women who cannot. It is even more disheartening when one has postponed having children in order to have a career, to find that one’s fertility has been reduced due to biological changes which occurred in response to not having children at a younger age. This, my dear sister, happens frequently.
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At the same time, here you are, with children, and your life ahead of you, which means that you are able to take up further studies. Is that not having your cake and eating it, too? From which end of the timeline would you prefer? Where you are now, which means you can have children, and later on study to facilitate a career, or the other end of the timeline, whereby you have studied and find that you cannot have children?
Now, concerning your husband, it is unfortunate that he has taken the stance that he has, but the timeline also applies to him as well. Ask him, which would he prefer, to be where he is now, able to support you and the children, or at the other end, whereby he cannot support his children without your support, or that God-forbid, that his life should be cut short, to leave you and the children without any means of support? Not only that, as an educated mother with work experience, you would have much to contribute to the education and development of the children, and would not be at the mercy of an education system, which later on will become costly to your family as the children grow older.
If you and your husband can sit down and discuss these issues, it would be more beneficial in the long term, because only Allah (SWT) knows what will happen tomorrow. If the decision is that you can study and work, having a good social support mechanism is also very important, especially when it comes to having children. All evidence points to the necessity of children receiving ongoing emotional and psychological support from within the family so that they do not grow up to become estranged from either themselves and/or others.
Be positive sister, it is not all doom and gloom. Even if after the discussion your husband maintains the same stance, with time, he will come around, and in the meantime you would have made the most of your children by having lots of love, laughter, and those precious shared moments through they can learn from you about the world around them. Then by the time they have gone to school, you would have more free time on your hands, and you will be better placed to study in sha’ Allah.
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