Mashallah, I have everything good in life except for a child, I've been married for 4 years but due to having no baby I get irritated and jealous of other people and start backbiting.
I want to change this attitude of mine, I pray a lot to Allah to change me into a religious person who should only mind my own business!! Can you help me??
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Whenever you have bad thoughts about others or feel like saying something negative, imagine a big red stop sign.
•Count to 10, do some dhkir and regather your thoughts. Then say something nice.
•Seek Allah’s forgiveness of these behaviors, please do repent for harming others with your words and thoughts.
•Keep your salats, make duaa, recite Qur’an, take some classes of Islamic interest and immerse yourself in the glory of Allah’s bountiful blessings.
•Trust in Him that you will get rid of this horrid habit of backbiting.
As-salamu alaykum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear of your stress and irritation due to not having a child. However dear sister, it has only been four years.
Researches have found correlations between stress and inability to conceive. I have read many cases wherein pregnancy occurred when the woman stopped stressing over getting pregnant.
In fact, in the majority of cases, the women resigned themselves to the fact that they would never have children.
And guess what, as soon as they did, they got pregnant! In fact, a friend of my mom’s tried for 10 years to conceive!
Finally giving up, she sought to adopt (she was not Muslim) and did, in fact, adopt three beautiful children, and then gave birth to her own shortly after.
Having Kids
Therefore sister, regarding worrying about getting pregnant, I would kindly advice you to relax, take some stress reduction classes as well as eat healthy foods, exercise and in general stop worrying insha’Allah.
Insha’Allah, it will happen. However it could be that your current state of irritability, stress and worry may not be helping the situation.
As long as both you and your husband are healthy, you have both been checked for infertility problems and everything is normal, I would try not to focus on it too much.
I know that’s easy to say, but trust me, I have been there, and yes, I have several beautiful children!
As far as the jealousy, backbiting and irritability, sister you know that is haram, and counterproductive to a good relationship with not only others, but with Allah SWT.
We all have our sins we commit, known and unknown. None of us are perfect. Alhumdulilah that we have Allah to go to to seek forgiveness.
Your particular sin, along with others is such a sin that the Qur’an states (1)
“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful”.
As we can see sister, these behaviors have devastating affects in the here and now (hurting others) as well as our fate in the hereafter.
It is my feeling, and may you and Allah forgive me if I am wrong, but it may be that these tendencies were present in you even before wishing for a baby.
Yes, wishing for something so bad, and not having it yet and seeing others enjoy what we want can cause some feelings in us.
But most of us can get past these feelings and be happy for that person or couple.
Sister, I kindly suggest that whenever you have bad thoughts about others or feel like saying something negative, imagine a big red stop sign.
Count to 10, do some dhkir and regather your thoughts. Then say something nice. Even if you still feel irritable or jealous, say something nice.
Insha’Allah if you do this or 30 days, it will become a habit and your backbiting tendencies will go away.
Check out this counseling video
Seek Allah’s forgiveness
Additionally, draw closer to Allah. It is hard to constantly backbite and feel irritable when we are close to and trust in the Highest, and contemplate all of the blessings He has given us.
Keep your salats, make duaa, recite Qur’an, take some classes of Islamic interest and immerse yourself in the glory of Allah’s bountiful blessings.
Trust in Him that you will get rid of this horrid habit of backbiting. After all, where do these negative behaviors get you? No where dear sister.
In fact, these feelings ad behaviors probably increase your stress levels.
Seek allah’s forgiveness of these behaviors, please do repent for harming others with your words and thoughts.
We should want for our sisters and brothers what we want for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be terrible if there were some who were saying they hoped you never got pregnant?
Well, that is what it feels like when one is a victim of backbiting. It does hurt, like skin ripped from our backs.
I implore you dear sister, please think about your words and chose them carefully as our words do come back on us.
You stated you had a very blessed life besides not having a child.
Many do not have your blessings, yet they smile and wish well for others. Some have had their precious babies killed, blown away by bombs.
Yet, they hold on to Allah, the Most High and say Allahu’Akbar!
They don’t backbite or wish bad upon others or get irritable when they see others playing with their children.
They may be sad, but they smile and get joy from seeing them together and alive. Sister, what yo want for yourself, insha’Allah want for others.
I kindly suggest dear sister that you get involved in doing some charity work once or twice a week. It brings great blessings in helping those in need.
It also changes our perspective on compassion, love, humanity and oneness. When you see your sister as yourself, it is hard to backbite and feel irritable.
Insha’Allah, you will begin to feel the love and compassion that Allah SWT says we should feel for one another.
Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers sister.
1-http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=49&verse=12
Salam
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