It was getting better somehow but now it feels like we're back to square one after the Summer break. The school has been great in working with us and the teachers are very helpful, but I am just not sure if we should pull him out or keep pushing and eventually he will get used to it. I do not think it's the school itself, he has always been a sensitive, more introverted child. We believe it's important for him to be around other kids on a regular basis. Is there anything that can make it better, or do we just need to wait for a while?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“For some children, it helps that the parent stays close by for an extended period of time, to begin with. So, for example, it may be that for a few days you go in together and you stay with him the whole time so that he gets the chance to feel comfortable in the school environment whilst having the comfort of his mum close by so he has little need to be anxious.”
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
This is a tough situation that many parents also face. Many children do take time to settle into preschool or school. Some will settle immediately, and others can take a much longer time like your son. It is very painful for us as a parent to see them crying when we separate from them, leaving us torn between keeping at it and hoping that eventually they will settle and they will get that social interaction that we feel they need, or just withdrawing them altogether.
The fact that you say he seemed to be getting better by the holiday break, lends to the conclusion that there is hope that he will eventually overcome the increased difficulty he has faced since going back again after the break, so you can feel comforted by that, to begin with, but at the same time, as you are aware of from before the holidays, it will take time and patience to work up to this level of comfort again. Alhamdulilah, you say the school has been great with him so that will make things easier for both you and him and in sha Allah things will continue to get better.
Of course, there is always the option to pull him from school altogether and as his mum, you know best what is good for your child. It may be that you give him a certain time period and if you see no improvements at all in this time that you can take it that he is not ready and perhaps remove him and try again in some time.
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If you choose to take this option you might try going with him regularly to mother and toddler groups so that he can play with other kids his age and you can relax with other parents. In this kind of informal environment that he may feel more comfortable to test his social skills with us, in the comfort of your presence. It may be that he just requires some months in this kind of more relaxed environment with you close to hone his social skills and make him better prepared to start playschool.
On the other hand, if you chose to continue trying him at playschool in the hope that things will eventually ease up for him and he will eventually come to enjoy There are a couple of tactics you might think about trying to help make the process easier. Now, all children are different and some of these things will work well for some children and some will not work at all, so you might have to be prepared for a bit of trial and error, to begin with until you find what works best for you and your son.
For some children, it helps that the parent stays close by for an extended period of time, to begin with. So, for example, it may be that for a few days you go in together and you stay with him the whole time so that he gets the chance to feel comfortable in the school environment whilst having the comfort of his mum close by so he has little need to be anxious.
In time, you might then reduce the time to spend say an hour or 30 minutes with him before leaving as he gets familiar with his surrounds and the children in it. In some casesو this will work to ease a child’s anxiety quickly and gradually reduce the anxiety altogether, whilst in others, this can make the situation more difficult and the separation even worse as they get used to having you in their school environment too and have a heightened dependency on you even outside of the home. This is something that you will be able to gauge yourself over a few days if you choose to try this as an option.
Another option is a completely different tactic. Rather than make a big deal of dropping off and saying goodbye, make it a quick process, drop him in and let the teachers take over immediately as you walk away. This might seem like quite a cold-hearted approach, but at the same time, especially with sensitive children, it gives him less chance to pick up on your anxieties and therefore may be less likely to respond in an anxious way. Again, this is a technique you could try for perhaps a week or 2 to test the waters. If you see improvements, then you can continue like this, or if not try the previous technique.
Ultimately, don’t let him see your anxieties, this will only make it more difficult for him to part from you as he sees you are feeling as anxious as him. Instead, enter with confidence and in sha Allah he will copy you and also enter with the same confidence that he sees in his mum.
Furthermore, something else that is useful to do whichever option you take is to pack a toy that he loves from home too, something that he knows he can turn to as a source of comfort. If might just be that you pack it in his bag for him to take out if he wants. He may not even choose to use it at all by is an option that some parents find useful for their anxious children.
Likewise, if he has any siblings, it might be that if time allows they come in with you both and give him the opportunity to take the responsibility of being a big boy and showing his siblings around his school. Finally, if you notice that his anxieties are related to the number of other kids around then you might try taking him a few minutes early so that he enters at the point when less children are present.
In sha Allah, something will work for him if you choose to continue to keep at it.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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