Her father and I might be blamed for this because we used to make jokes about her, her way of talking, her appearance compared to her older sister.
How can I correct this and make her communicating again and let her regain her confidence back?
Jazakum Allahu Khairan.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Go to your daughter (along with your husband) and apologize to her for saying anything mean, making fun of her and comparing her to her sister.
•Please do assure her that you love her just the way she is, that she is a worthy, beautiful, and intelligent young lady, and that you and your husband are not perfect parents (as none exist) and did not mean to hurt her.
•Please do try to engage her, take an interest in her and spend time with just her. Insha’Allah let her know just how precious she is to you and how much she is loved and cherished. Encourage her to talk with you assuring her that what she feels and says is important to you.
As-salamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear that your daughter has withdrawn. She not only is at the age wherein puberty starts which brings many changes and emotional upheavals at times but she also may be contending with the fact that you and your husband use to make fun of her.
At this tender age she may have assimilated some of the “making fun” and now may suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of not being good enough as well as possible depression.
Sister, while you cannot go back in time and change things, I would first seek Allah’s forgiveness for hurting your daughter. Secondly, I would go to your daughter (along with your husband) and apologize to her for saying anything mean, making fun of her and comparing her to her sister.
Please do assure her that you love her just the way she is, that she is a worthy, beautiful, and intelligent young lady, and that you and your husband are not perfect parents (as none exist) and did not mean to hurt her.
I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to spend time with her. Take her out for lunch or do something with her that she enjoys. Talk with her. Share your experiences of a time when your parents hurt you and how you dealt with it. Also, ask her how she feels about certain things. It can be from her achievements in school to friends or concerns she might have.
As it may be a situation wherein she feels she is a failure in the family, insha’Allah sister you can build her up to where she feels loved, confident and accepted, although it may take time. I do not know to what extent this went on, nor how deeply she was damaged.
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Please do watch for and monitor for signs of depression or self-harm. Things like sleeping too much or not at all, sadness, crying, loss of appetite or increase in appetite, a fall in school grades, loss of interest in things she once enjoyed, not socializing with friends, not taking care of her appearance or hygiene, and isolating are some symptoms.
Also look for signs of self-harm (which is on the rise these days in young girls) such as any scars or unexplained cuts on arms, legs and other area’s of the body; suicidal ideation-talking or writing about death or wishing she were not here and so forth. She is already isolating which teens often do, but given the family scenario of making fun of her and downgrading her, it is a concern.
Insha’Allah dear sister you can repair the damage that has been done. Please do try to engage her, take an interest in her and spend time with just her. Insha’Allah let her know just how precious she is to you and how much she is loved and cherished. Encourage her to talk with you assuring her that what she feels and says is important to you.
This may take some time to build, as trust was destroyed when you and your husband made fun of her, she may need some time to feel safe with you. If you do notice any of the above symptoms or others that are not normal, please do insha’Allah take her for counseling as soon as possible.
We wish you the best she is in our prayers.
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