Answer
Assalamu `alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. It seems that you are having trouble understanding how to communicate with your 4 year old and I can imagine how that may be frustrating for you. To make sure that I understand you correctly, you stated that you have a 4 year old that is irritable for most of the time and he does not listen to you. You stated that you sometimes have problems with your anger and that you feel he does not understand you unless you slap him and raise your voice.
Four years of age is a very critical stage for children. According to Erickson’s stages of development, this stage is referred to as Initiative vs. Guilt. You mentioned that you feel inexperienced as this is your first child. One thing that I’m sure you’ve already learned is that children are like sponges. They pick up information quickly and take in everything. This is the stage where children are imitating their parents or whatever parental figure they have in their life. They often recreate what they have learned and express it in behavior and play.
Children are developing their relationship with you and they like to imitate and explore; so the message that you send them as a parent will determine how they will respond and develop. Modeling healthy emotional regulation will encourage them and provide support for them reaching the milestones of their development and having a sense of becoming more independent. Consistently exhibiting anger will hinder their progress in achieving these milestones, which will be a detriment to their self-esteem and their overall sense of self.
Keep in mind that our children are like mirrors and are essentially a reflection of us. You stated that your child is constantly irritable and does not listen to you. However, you also mentioned that you have problems with your anger. You are the first woman in your son’s life and the way that you interact with him will impact the way that he relates and interacts with women for the rest of his life.
As a parent, it is important for you to take a step back from the situation and reflect on whether or not the behavior that you are modeling is healthy and if this is the behavior that you would like your son to repeat with your grandchildren.
Slapping your child across the face and shouting at them because you have lost patience, teaches the child nothing except to be afraid of you. One characteristic of the stage of Initiative vs. Guilt is that children engage in risk-taking behavior in an effort to become more autonomous and when they are not successful they express irritable behaviors such as yelling, throwing things, and hitting out of frustration.
The general lesson that can be drawn from this is that when preschoolers are encouraged in attempting independent tasks, they will be independent and feel confident undertaking tasks. As a result, they will smoothly transition to the next stage. Slapping your child is abusive and will also send the child the message that they are an annoyance. This type of behavior will make the child feel guilty about asserting their needs.
What I would encourage you to do is research further about the various stages of development that your child is approaching and research the stage that your child is currently in. This will help you in gradually understanding what behaviors are developmentally appropriate.
Also I would encourage you to reflect on the message you received as a child. Reflect on the behaviors your parents modeled to you. Which behaviors stood out to you the most? Were they positive? Negative? We often repeat ways of relating to our children based on the way our parents interacted with us. If we as individuals do not take a step back to reflect and learn lessons from our pasts, we can also not know when to avoid or how to recognize behaviors that did not work for our parents.
I hope this information is helpful.