I've 2 daughters. The elder one is 3 years old. I've always wanted to raise my daughters according to Islamic teachings. I live in a joint family. My inlaws are very fond of music and dancing. They keep showing her videos of all sorts of vulgar Bollywood songs. Make her dance on those songs.
They say its all cool and she is enjoying and having fun. I am really very worried about her, as she is getting older she is getting more and more interested in these songs. She has started to memorize them. Keeps humming them.
I have asked them indirectly several times to stop showing her these videos. My husband also tells them not to, but they simply don't listen. I am very worried about her mental state as I think that she is too young for such kind of stuff.
Please advise me how to stop them?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Talk with your mother in law about your concern, and mention the video and your preference for your daughter to watch other videos.
•Ask for her suggestions on videos for children.
•As far as what influence it has on your daughter, it is not something that I would be really concerned with unless it’s a constant influence.
•Replace them with other activities that are age-appropriate such as games, toys, children’s nasheeds and so forth, it may negate any negative effect that may occur.
As salamu alaykum,
As I understand, you have two daughters and your oldest one is three.You stated that you live in a joint family situation and that your in-laws are very fond of playing videos with music and dancing.
You stated however that they keep showing your eldest daughter videos of all sorts of vulgar Bollywood songs and have her dance to the songs in the videos.
You stated that this worries you very much and you don’t like it when they do this. You have asked them several times indirectly to stop however they keep doing it, even after your husband has asked them directly.
Sister as you live with your in-laws, it may be very difficult to tell them what and what not to do in their own home if indeed you are living with, them rather than they are living with you.
Even though it involves your daughter, it may still be difficult to enforce your wishes regarding the videos and music and dancing.
Sister, I kindly suggest that you take your mother-in-law out for lunch or coffee and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. While it may be best if your husband does this as it is his parents and his position, if you do have a close relationship with his mom, and the two of you can talk, perhaps you may have some success.
Express your gratitude for living with them as well as for having them as in-laws and grandparents to your children.
Point out the good things they do and the nice qualities they possess which you admire. Focus on the positive things that they teach you or your children.
Talk about the wonderful ways in which they interact with your children and how much the children love them. This may set up a positive interaction for discussing the video issue. People tend to respond better to requests when they are reminded of the good traits and points that they possess as well as when they know they are appreciated.
Kindly mention the video and your preference for your daughter to watch other videos. Ask for her suggestions on videos for children.
If you approach her with love, appreciation and gratitude, as well as seeking her advice- insha’Allah-she may be more receptive to your needs as a mom for what you want for your child in regards to the music video and dancing issue.
If she’s not, you may forget about getting them to stop playing these videos and instead you may have to curb it as much as you can by removing your daughter from the situation when it occurs and engaging her and something else until you and your husband have a place of your own.
As far as what influence it has on your daughter, it is not something that I would be really concerned with unless it’s a constant influence. Often times when we make a big deal out of something and keep bringing it up to the child, that leaves more of an impression than the actual thing we are trying to get them to avoid.
The added hyper-vigilance actually may increase interest, curiosity and a natural feeling of wanting to do the opposite of what she is told. Your daughter must be taught right from wrong, however, the right way of living that you teach her and the good things that you expose her to will insha’Allah, take precedence.
While this is not the best videos for your daughter to be seeing, if you replace them with other activities that are age-appropriate such as games, toys, children’s nasheeds and so forth, it may negate any negative effect that may occur.
Another thing you may want to consider is if your husband’s parents always listen to music and had their children dance and watched things which you are vulgar, I am wondering was your husband raised like this? If so you may want to get his opinion on how it affected him and his siblings as he seemed to turn out very nice as you married him!
Check out this counseling video
Perhaps your husband grew up different than you did and perhaps he was exposed to different things than you were, but you both turned out to be wonderful people, Muslims, as well as parents. I am sure that your in-laws mean no harm, however,it does bother you and your wishes should be respected.
Insh’allah, you and your husband can implement other activities for your daughter in order to divert her away from the videos and dancing so that she will have a well-balanced upbringing while they are living with their grandparents.
Include a lot of age-appropriate Islamic teachings, books, prayer, and take them to Islamic events. Engage her with other Muslim children to increase her exposure to other children as well as Islamic play times. If your situation is long-term regarding living with your in-laws, I am confident that insha’Allah, you and your husband’s influence will negate any possible harm that could come from the videos.
We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.
Salam
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