Answer
Asalamu Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for contacting About Islam with your question.
Your question is not so strange; we get many questions from brothers or sisters like you who feel that their iman (faith) is not perfect.
And they feel as if they are not good Muslims due to their lack of motivation, mixed emotions, and lack of consistency in their practice of Islam.
One thing I find common among all these people, including yourself, is that they seem to think that as Muslims we should never have doubts, we should never have difficulties in practicing Islam, we should never have moments where we feel less than perfect, etc.
Actually, at least in my humble opinion and from what I have learned, this is unrealistic. Iman has its ups and downs. Life is a realm of testing and without a doubt, we will have our ups and downs and our moments of weakness. What’s most important is what is called istiqama, or straightforwardness, and it requires effort and work.
We can’t always be perfect and Allah knows that, and doesn’t expect us to be. That’s why He created things like taubah (repentance), so that when we do make mistakes we can correct them by turning back to Him whenever necessary.
The key is to remember Allah as much as possible, and to surrender – even in those moments of weakness and doubt, to carry on with what Allah asks of us. That is why, sister, you need to work on your consistency regarding your prayers and whatever else Allah is asking of us.
You say you love Allah, well then prove it. At least do what you are asked to do and prove your love. Insha-Allah, then we will see things improve as long as we are patient.
But we need to continue to keep increasing our knowledge, being around positive people and remembering Allah in whatever we do.
Also, let’s keep our egos in check and not allow ourselves to reverse the true order of things — Allah created us, not the other way around; we live for Him, not the other way around; we need Him every moment of every day, not the other way around.
He always wants and wills goodness for us and it is for us to surrender to that, even if our nafs or ego doesn’t like it. It’s called realization, and we must constantly be trying to get ourselves in alignment with His Will through surrender.
Allah always knows best even if we can’t see it or understand it at any particular moment. That’s the true nature of yaqin (certainty in faith), and it is only given to us through patient perseverance.
Finally, Allah says in His book:
{Say: “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves (by committing sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.} (Az-Zumar 39:53)
Remember to constantly ask Allah’s forgiveness and repent to Him, He is the only one who may forgive your sins, increase your faith, and bring back your motivation to practice His religion properly.
Please do not give up—keep on trying; the one who falls and stays down who despairs Allah’s Mercy. And it is the one who stands back-up; the one who has taken the initiative to get closer to Allah, is the one who will be successful.
I have provided you with a more general answer to your question(s). Please feel free to follow up with us if you have further/more specific things you’d like us to respond to, as you posed many questions in your initial post and I’m not sure I answered them all. And Allah knows best.
Salam and please keep in touch.
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:
http://aboutislam.net/spirituality/4-keys-healthy-spirituality/
http://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/finding-peace/trusting-allah/how-to-boost-our-trust-in-god/
http://aboutislam.net/spirituality/6-things-repentance-brings/