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Get to Know Your Teenager with Counselor Hannah

Hannah Morris
07 January, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

Tuesday, Jan. 08, 2019 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.

As-salamwalaikum,

I’ve been married for 7 years now and haven’t been able to conceive as of yet. I understand that everything happens at the will of Allah and I am trying to be patient. I’ve been slowly introducing the idea of adopting to my husband over he last couple of months. I don’t want to adopt because we’re having trouble conceiving. There are many orphans out there who need loving and caring parents and a stable home.

My husband says to wait to have a child first and has other concerns. He is worried about how the adoptee will be treated by both of our parents and will be loved and not treated as family. Both our parents are very traditional and adoption is not a norm in our family.

I did try and explain that end of the day, what we do for Allah matters and all the trials and troubles we go through will be worth it in the end.

My husband is also worried whether we should tell the child they are adopted as it may affect them psychologically. Whether we have our own children or not, I know I want to adopt. I’m not sure what to do from here. In’sha Allah we’ll be going to Hajj this year and are planning on IVF when we return. If successful I was thinking of adopting a child so In’sha Allah they can grow up together.

I understand no matter how much I plan everything will happen at the will of Allah. I’m trying to be patient but am worried my husband won’t accept us adopting a child to be a part of our family.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Fertility problems are faced by many a person and so your struggle is not uncommon. Alhamdulilah, you know that everything happens by the will of Allah and requires patience as He is the best of planners and knows when is the right time.

 

Most women desire to have children and when made to wait will contemplate other options such as adoption. Of course, there is a lot to this process begun with getting islamic advise on the matter as there are certain implications and complexities in the matter when it comes to adoption. Beyond this, there needs to be the agreement from both he husband and wife ad they will be the ones raising the child. Ideally the support of extended family members would be useful to make the child feel like a part of the family and settle in well without complications.

 

Getting this support before the adoption is most ideal to avoid difficulties after the child has entered the family which would make it difficult for them to settle in. This will also make the process through the adoption run more smoothly too, as the actual legal process of getting approval to adopt a child to begin with can be long and stressful alone before the child even enters the home.

 

Addressing the concerns  you have can happen in a couple of ways. Firstly,  concerns with your husband and family can only really be addressed by tailing about it. Not just casual talk, but a serious and deep talk as it a child’s life that may be brought into your home. It will also get everyone use to the idea so that they are also used to the idea and can prepare themselves for welcoming someone new into the family. If you are serious about the idea and your husband also comes to be too, the you can both talk about it seriously with his parents and get them on board with support.

 

Regarding some of the concerns he has, they can also be addressed with the adoption agency, regarding whether to disclose this information to the child or not. They would have more experience in this, and be able to direct you to people who can support you in deciding in such matters. Do also bare in mind that you don’t yet know the age of the child.

 

Depending on the age of the child and their background may also be factors that help you to decide. If they are older, then they will already know, whereas if they are very small, they won’t know. Alternatively they may be at an age where they had been with parents for a short time, but perhaps not yet enough to identify them as mum and dad. Beyond this, depending on the background they have come from it may not be appropriate to disclose such to them early on and is a conversation down the line. Their character will also determine the things you say to them and when. You would need to get to know the child and allow them to settle in before you discuss the more difficult things ideally.

 

As a child they likely will come with questions, many questions and you do need to be prepared to deal with them. Talking about it with your husband and extended family in depth will help to prepare for this. As mentioned, talking to the adoption agency will also be very helpful and beyond this you will also find support groups online where you can talk to others who have been through the same and you can get advise on how they dealt with many situations that will inevitably come up in the process of adoption, right from the stage where you are now, to nurturing them in the home.

 

May Allah guide you and reward your good intentions. May He give you patience and grant you a healthy, pious child when the time is right for you.

 

 

As Salaam Alaikum,

Respected team, all the articles, queries and fatwas are focused on couples or about parenting. Doesn't Islam emphasize on the importance of siblings? Can siblings mistreat each other or be biased? Isn't a brother responsible for his sister or are his duties and respect limited to parents and wife? There are brothers that are good sons or husbands but do not love and value their sisters and consider them as only father's responsibility.

Please share an Islamic perspective or fatwa on the relationship between siblings. Especially brother and sister. Jazakillah khair.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You are correct, we do often see advise on caring for and responsibilities towards our spouses and children, yet the same is commonly not addressed with regards to other family members,  with those being of most concern being those closest to us, that is our siblings.

 

As I am not a scholar I can provide a fatwa in this issue so would suggest contacting a scholar or imam if you are looking for such. I can, however, provide some advice more generally on the topic.

 

Of course, as we know our parents, spouses and children do have primary rights over us and us over them. Information regarding such rights is readily available as you have noted. As family members, there are also rights regarding them as we are also expected to maintain family ties beyond only our parents and children. Family ties may be maintained minimally if it becomes a threat to relations somehow, or they may be more frequent and involve providing things such as financial support, especially for example in the case of an unmarried sister. Whilst they may not be obliged Islamically to provide such, it shows good character and manners to assist if one can.

 

 

Siblings should not mistreat one another or show bias as this will only lead to severed family ties which is against the principles of Islam and is therefore disliked. Beyond that it can lead to further stress and difficulties between family members beyond only the siblings compromising family ties further. In which case it is best that difficulties between siblings are resolved to avoid wider family conflict.

 

Essentially, it depends on the reason why a sister may feel she needs the support of her brother; whether it is a temporary matter, or something more permanent, or financial or emotional support, whether she is married or not,, the relationship with the sister-in-law..etc.. There are many factors that may influence a brothers desire to support his sister, or if he feels she has done something to wrong him, then maybe he wants to distance himself from her somewhat. However, regardless of the situation and how much support the brother gives the sister, he should not mistreat her, just as he should not mistreat any other family member or even nonfamily member. This is not acceptable as we should be kind and merciful to everyone in the character of a good Muslim.

 

It may be that they need to attend counseling together, either through formal measures if necessary, or even better with an imam son that the issue can be discussed with a man of knowledge who will also be able to advise on each others rights over one another.

 

May Allah grant you the answer s you are looking for and bring happiness and contentment in your family relations.

I have two boys 10 and 13. I was divorced from their father 7 to 8 eight years during those years he never contacted them and if he did it was every few months maybe once a month once every four months and so on. He saw them about 3 times during those years. He has every opportunity to keep in contact but doesn't he also has all means to see them but doesn't we live in two different states. He travels to Europe and other states. Now I recently got married my ex-husband found out and he said to me I will take the kids to stay with my mother which is my ex-husband's mother and his siblings. He never cared about them all those years I had to be the mother and the father to them. I did everything on my own with Allah's help I didn't even have my family's help. Now I'm not sure what to tell my children about them living with my ex-husband's mother because they have lots of questions he told them he was going to take them on summer break to stay there but he didn't tell them they were going to live there. Should I tell them that their father wants to take them and he doesn't want them to stay with me? they're asking me all sorts of questions, should they have the right to know everything? My ex-husband's family are not practicing people.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister

 

This is an unfortunate situation where your ex husband had little to do with your children after you divorced,  yet now you have remarried he is taking an interest in then by attempting to get them to go and live with his non-practicing parents.

 

The first thing I would suggest doing is getting some legal advice from someone who practices in shariah law to determine exactly what rights both you and he have regarding custody of your children as there are certain complexities to it that may or may not be compatible with what is normally practiced in your country. Allah has determined rules regarding custody that work in the children’s best interest so not is best to stick to these guidelines for the sake of everyone involved as well as being most pleasing to Allah. Knowing these rules alone will also make it easier to guide your choices about what to do next and if/how and when to tell your children. It will so give you legal support should any difficulties arise along the way.

 

Whatever the outcome is of the choice that is made, if you are able to talk to your ex husband under the correct circumstances, you could speak to him about making the process as easy as possible so as to make things more comfortable for the children without them having to be witness to argument’s or ill feelings.

 

Hopefully he will be agreeable to this, but if not, you can at least keep things comfortable on your side. You will be understandably stressed right now and it can be difficult to hide this from them, but managing your own levels of stress will help you to not let them feel it too. Children are very aware of these things and will often feel to blame for difficult times between parents, especially in the case of divorce, so it is important that amongst it all, whatever happens, that they don’t feel to blame for any of it.

 

Whatever the outcome, if it’s possible to arrange mutual times for contact, whether it be your going to visit them in the case that they must go and stay with their grandmother, or they visit your children if they are able to stay with you.

 

A way to make the process easier is to make it a gradual one. So, if it is that they must go, perhaps you could begin by making visits to the grandmother for a few hours then the day, then overnight. This will also make it easier to tell them that they are going to live there as they will have gotten used to her and the house over time. Beyond this, in sha Allah you can arrange regular visits to them also. Or, if it is you that will maintain custody, you could still allow them to stay with their grandmother also and this way perhaps they will see more of their father.

 

If it is ruled that they must go then you need to consider if or how to tell then. As mentioned above, a gradual introduction will make this easier, but consider the emotions that they will face going to live away from home after being with you the entire time to this point. Of course,  you don’t have to tell them, but this could come at a cost in how they feel in that you kept it from them, but at the same time you may feel this is the best way to protect them and make the process quicker and easier. Weigh up your options and the consequences and ask Allah to guide you through istikhara. At least, once you have the shariah guidance on the matter it will be a lot easier to answer their questions as your responses will come straight from understanding Allah’s way.

 

May Allah guide you to do what is right and what is most pleasing to Him. May He make the whole process smooth and easy for all whatever the outcome is.