I need advice. I have a problem I have been working on since before I met my husband and he married me knowing my problems. It involves him now because he is my husband and we are a team. But he doesn't care about finding a solution. All he wants are his desires to me be met. He threatens me that he will marry again because of my problems. I was okay at the beginning with him marry again but now I'm not. I do not want polygamy because I have had time to think about it and it is not right for me and my life. I want a simply marriage life with two people growing old together.
And every time I say I want a divorce he threatens me that I agreed to polygamy so I have to stay with him. I feel this is oppression since I do not want that now that I know all the details. People make polygamy sound easy and simple but it is not.
But I am afraid of committing a sin if I leave him, or never getting an imam to divorce us because he is very argumentative and he will try to convince the imam that only he is right.
I thought about just leaving on my own even if we are still married. I have enough of my own money to live alone. I do not need to divorce right away before I leave because I am not considering remarriage. I just want peace and freedom from his stubbornness and lack of consideration.
Also, I am growing hostile toward him every day. I think one day I will hate him for what he is saying and doing without feeling for me. I envy other women who have kind, loving and committed husbands for life. I think about leaving Islam so I can find a monogamous man because my husband makes me feel that all Muslim men will do polygamy.
How do I get freedom from this problem?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Islam does not give anyone the right to force you to remain in a marriage against your will, especially if it is with regards to a matter that you know is detrimental to you.
• Our relationship with Allah should never be dependent on other people – people can and will disappoint you, but that is on them.
• There are many, many wonderful Muslim men of upstanding character, who are loving, kind, and compassionate, and are perfectly happy with monogamy.
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullah wa barakaatuh,
Thank you for reaching out to us at AboutIslam.net! I am truly sorry to hear about your situation.
To begin with, it is difficult to give very detailed advice with limited information. For example, you mention that you have “problems,” but without knowing what those problems are, it is unclear to me how they factor into the issues that you are currently having.
What I can say is that it is never okay for a man to threaten his wife with polygamy. Polygamy is a very serious matter, one which should never be taken lightly, as a joke, or as a threat. It is a serious responsibility for any man who pursues it, and the consequences of being unjust are severe.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Whoever has two wives and leans towards (i.e. favours) one of them (over the other), will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.”[1]
Even if it was a condition of your marriage to accept polygamy, you always have the right to opt out of that marriage by seeking a divorce. Islam does not give anyone the right to force you to remain in a marriage against your will, especially if it is with regards to a matter that you know is detrimental to you.
Even if he does not give you a talaq, you are allowed to pursue a khul’. I do recommend seeking out an imam who will listen to you carefully, who will consider your own Islamic rights in this situation and will not be biased or one-sided against you.
Khul’ is a process by which the wife returns her mahr, or negotiates with the husband to return another amount, in exchange for leaving the marriage. The Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) sanctioned this even in the case of a woman who simply could no longer bear being with her husband, despite his own good character.
Check out this counseling video:
Narrated Ibn `Abbas:
The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, “O Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him).” On that Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said (to her), “Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?” She said, “Yes.” Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said to Thabit, “O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once.”[2]
With regards to considering leaving Islam, please know that while your husband may be treating you in a manner that is unacceptable, this is not Islam’s fault! Islam is about much more than polygamy; rather, it is about your personal relationship with your Creator. Above and beyond all things, the most important thing in this world is to worship Allah, to love Him, and to obey Him. The very purpose of our lives is to worship Allah.
{And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.} (Qur’an 51:56)
Our relationship with Allah should never be dependent on other people – people can and will disappoint you, but that is on them. Rather than thinking that leaving Islam is a solution to your current issues, focus on a pro-active, spiritually healthy way of dealing with your situation. Strengthening your connection to Allah, turning to Him in worship and love, asking for His Mercy and His help in this difficult time, will all help you emerge stronger, happier, and healthier from your circumstances.
Allah reminds us: {And seek help through patience and prayer…} (Qur’an 2:45)
It is only with Allah’s help that we can ever hope to find peace and contentment. Thus, while I absolutely encourage you to do what is necessary to remove yourself from a clearly toxic situation, I urge you to turn to Allah rather than away from Him.
Please don’t allow a human being to poison your relationship with your Lord and Creator! Instead, look for Muslims who exemplify the beauty of Islam, who remind you of Allah in the most beautiful ways, and who will support you and encourage you through this difficult time.
It is also worth remembering that not all Muslim men are abusive or will demand polygamy. There are many, many wonderful Muslim men of upstanding character, who are loving, kind, and compassionate, and are perfectly happy with monogamy. These men are not quite as rare as it may sometimes to be, either! Always remember to ask Allah for a spouse who will be your partner in worshipping Him, who will love you and care for you, and who will show you what a truly excellent Muslim man is.
I pray that you are able to find a resolution to your problems, that Allah protects you from further distress, and that you are able to live a joyous and fulfilling life filled with love for Allah. May He guide you to what is best for you, and ease your affairs,
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
http://aboutislam.net/family-life/laying-foundations/polygamy-survival-guide/