First, I want to let you know it's been two months since we have been trying to know each. I want you to know that I’m not in a haram relationship. We chat to get to know each other. I didn't develop any feelings for him yet, but I am interested to know more about him. I have had some bad experience before with confusing men. I’ve learned my lesson and now I want to take the time to get to know the person well.
This guy is 28 and I’m 22. What makes me interested to talk to him is that he prays and he looks mature. He works in the US while I live in the Middle-East. His family is in the Middle-East too but in another country. He keeps saying he wants to come to my country to see me, but to be honest, in the beginning, I don't want to go out with guys without my parents’ permission. He agreed that he would meet my parents. I was testing him to see whether he was serious.
However, he started changing probably due to stress at work or he needed some space, but I felt there was something wrong. I asked him and he said he was thinking for 2 days about what if I did not like him in real life, or what if my parents refused him. I told him it is all Allah’s decree, the most important is the intention. I felt he started to become confused.
Nothing happened since then, he has not seen my parents and stopped talking about the topic. I felt some distance from him. I wrote him a long message about how I feel about his behavior. He has not responded a single word for 3 days. And when he responded, he only wrote: “Salam Aleikom, how are you? I hope you are doing well.” He completely ignored my message!
What shall I do know? I do not want a confused person. I do not want someone who does not respect what I am saying. I completely ignore him now and do not text him. I prayed istikharah, and I feel he is not the one for me. Please tell me what I need to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Nothing should take place without the involvement of the parents as this can lead to all sorts of problems and confusion in the future.
• If he had been genuinely interested in you, he would have learned more about you directly and asked for more information relating to your studies, families, and perhaps contact information of your parents.
• In order for you to forget the past and not think about it, you need to learn to live in the moment.
Assalaamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
I would like to start off with this:
“What is meant for you will never miss you even it is in mountain tops, and what isn’t for you will never reach you even it is at your fingertips.”
If the man you were speaking to online is no longer taking interest in the topic of marriage, then it was never meant to happen. This can be a lesson learned AND should become a past forgotten.
Online unsupervised conversations are not going to end up successful
I am glad to hear that you weren’t interested in crossing the boundary when speaking with an unknown man online. As rude as this may sound, I don’t think that the conversations you had and the interests which were expressed towards you were real, or even from the bottom of the man’s heart. Although I cannot assume much, from the details that you have provided of him, he simply wanted a way to pass time and was looking for a girl to entertain him online. But Allah knows best.
It is good that you made it clear that you are a decent girl because it is possible that he could have ordered you to comply to his wishes even if they were too much.
This is how most of the scandals related to the internet originate. Dear sister, you haven’t even seen him, and he is not even located in the same country as you. Then why are you so eager to place complete trust on a stranger? Anyone can “pretend” to be an Islamic scholar or express interest in learning more about Islam. This is simply a means to start a conversation and even an attempt to look more “irresistible” to a certain extent, in other words marketable.
If he had been genuinely interested in you, he would have learned more about you directly and asked for more information relating to your school, studies, families, and perhaps contact information of your parents. He would not have just elongated his conversations and disconnected himself when you try to show interest and seriousness.
Even a lot of people who live in the same neighborhood want to “play around” with girls, and not commit or are not willing to continue meeting if the girl brings up marriage or introduction to parents. These are not real men, dear sister. These are simply indecent boys trying to pass time, take pleasure, take advantage, and then scurry away.
Dear sister, even talking online with the opposite gender is equally forbidden, if it is for other than professional reason. If potential marriage is involved, parents should be involved. Nothing should take place without the involvement of the parents as this can lead to all sorts of problems and confusion in the future. There are legitimate reasons why Islam has placed such “tight” guidelines on us. It is to save us from further and future disappointment.
Check out this counseling video:
In my opinion, it is a good thing that the man you were conversing with is no longer talking about the topic that was once there. I suggest that you discontinue any form of communication with him. Again, if things are meant to happen, they will happen. Rest assured that there are many men who are looking to waste the time of young girls who are not rightly guided.
When serious, discuss with a trustworthy person.
If you are serious about getting married, you need to get a bit more courage and directly speak to your parents about it. Or if you have someone who is trustworthy and can help you and also talk to your parents on your behalf. Your serious intention to get married should be expressed to an adult of trustworthiness as soon as possible, although things happen when the right time comes.
There are many online trustworthy matrimonial sites for Muslims. I am certain that if you speak to the right person, you can even find a perfect match for you locally or through connections if it is meant to be overseas.
Live in the moment
In order for you to forget the past and not think about it, you need to learn to live in the moment.
Dear sister, 99 out of the 100 problems are simply a result of our overactive imagination. The only way we can overcome this is by not spending time thinking but rather doing.
Here is a list of things I suggest you do:
Work on self-development
Do you have a skill you can master? A hobby you are passionate about? Can you get yourself involved in the community and be productive? Consider answers to these questions and get active!
- Read
- Exercise
- Network
- Increase Islamic Knowledge
There are many resources in this day and age when it comes to gaining useful information. Therefore, I suggest you pick out a time in your daily routine and a topic of interest and get learning.
What is the meaning of marriage?
These are some of the questions that I suggest you ask yourself if you are seriously considering getting married soon.
- What is your concept of marriage?
- What are your expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (Long and short term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish soon.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are you expecting your spouse, religiously?
I sincerely pray that Allah blesses your future with a righteous spouse and makes you a righteous spouse as well.
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
Navigating the Muslim Marriage Crisis – Why Are We Still Single?