We had courted for 5 years before I introduced him to my family - only to find out he was married. He actually brought fake people for the introduction.
We are both Muslims and since polygamous is allowed, I tried my best to forgive and continue my life, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness.
I found out I have become someone else; I am getting angry for everything. He met me as a virgin when I was 29. I use to be very gentle and shy. I do not talk in public and love being alone.
I walked out when I could not cope with the situation anymore because the wife kept using abusive words on me.
How can I continue my life peacefully? I am always sad. I pray a lot, but I am really sad. It has been two years now, but still, I am not okay.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Polygamy is a very serious matter. Know that any man who deals with his wives unjustly will be punished severely for his injustice.
• You need to focus on yourself and your child, and on healing from the trauma that you have endured.
• Find a personal counselor or therapist.
As-salaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,
Thank you for reaching out to us here at AboutIslam!
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is clear that you were dealt with dishonesty and that your husband married you on the basis of a lie.
Polygamy is a very serious matter, and any man who deals with his wives unjustly will be punished severely for his injustice. Before your husband married you, he should have informed you of the truth of his situation. As a wife, you have the right to know what you are getting into. Even in polygamy – indeed, especially in polygamy – women have certain rights that are not meant to be taken lightly or violated.
Allah says:
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)The Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also said:
“Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)
This man was unequivocally wrong in what he did by marrying you without disclosing to you that he was already married. You had every right to leave that situation, and you are not held to be blameworthy for doing so.
In fact, it is a good thing that you left what was clearly a very unjust and unhealthy situation. No one should ever make you feel ashamed or as though you did something wrong by leaving.
With regards to your current difficulties, I understand that you are going through a great deal of emotional turmoil. No doubt, you experienced much hurt and challenges that you never expected, in addition to having a child from this marriage. What is important now is that you focus on yourself and your child, and on healing from the trauma that you have endured.
Check out this counseling video:
Seek Counseling
I do recommend that you find a personal counselor or therapist, who can help you work through the grief. They are better equipped and qualified to help you navigate and process the many emotions that you feel. She or he will provide you with the support and resources to move on with your life in a happy and proactive manner, inshaAllah.
It is also important for you to remember who you are as a person outside of this situation. What are the activities that you enjoy? Do you have a hobby or passion that you can take part in? Are there other people whom you trust and feel safe with? Whom you can spend time with and develop more positive experiences?
You deserve to be a whole, healthy person – and your son deserves to have a mother who is happy. Who is able to be her best self. Focus on those things which bring you peace and happiness. Work on your healing from both a psychological and spiritual perspective.
Turn Back to Allah
Never forget to first and foremost turn back to Allah: ask Him to ease the pain in your heart, to bring you closer to Him, to grant you strength and patience to continue with your life. Know that prayer is not just a ritual act of worship, but a conversation and relationship with your Creator. It is Allah, al-Shafi, who heals both our hearts and our bodies; He loves us and loves for us to turn to Him often with whatever pain and weakness that we are experiencing.
Wake up in the last third of the night to pray Tahajjud and make du’aa’; do dhikr regularly; if you are able to, give in sadaqah from your time and your wealth.
Allah reminds us:
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (Qur’an, 2:153)
You are a Muslim woman, which means that Allah chose to guide you to Islam. He has many wonderful things in store for you, inshaAllah.
Allah tests those whom He loves.
This is a beautiful opportunity for you to grow in your faith and take charge of your life in a positive manner.
RasulAllah encouraged us when he said,
“No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” [Bukhari]
Finally, remember Allah’s words of hope for us:
“[…] Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease.” [Qur’an, 65:7]
May Allah ease your affairs, grant you healing and happiness, and bless you and your son,
Ameen.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.