Our marriage was never a good start for both of the family. My parents wanted me to marry someone of their choice. My husband’s parents never really got along with my family. We have been married for almost three years now. I work full time. My husband works full time as well. We live with his parents (they are in their mid-60s). I have a hard time adjusting to my husband’s family. His mother and I don't get along at all. She doesn't like it when I tell my husband what to do.
There were few times where his mother had said the worst things to my face and behind my back, but because of my husband I have never spoken a word or talked back to my parents-in-law. His parents didn't like me going to my parents’ house every weekend or even going by myself, so I end up only going twice in a month to see my family. This was very difficult for me because I see his sisters coming over at least once or twice a week. Sometimes they sleep over.
My father-in-law wants me to quit my job and stay home 24/7 and take care of them. I disagree with him because I worked hard to get my job. I told him I will become a part-time worker, but he said "no". I told him, give me time until December and then I will quit my job, but he said "no". He said, "in two weeks quit your job".
He threatens me and my husband that if I don't quit my job, we can leave the house forever. He told my husband that he either picks his family or his wife. We are trying to move to another place but my father-in-law told my husband that if he steps out of the house and leaves he will never consider him as his son again and tell his family not to meet us ever again. He wants to cut all the ties.
I am stuck. I don't know what to do. I don't want to suffer the rest of my life by staying with them. I want to start my own family, but my husband’s father threatens us. Please help me guide the right way.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Make istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the right decision.
• Invoke your husband since whatever happens will affect him also.
• It seems they are quite unwilling to compromise, so it may be better to approach them with someone else whom they may be more responsive.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
This sure is a tricky decision to make, especially when it feels like whatever choice you make will be at the cost of something.
Ultimately, it is important to respect our elders and care for them. However, you also want to start a family with your husband, work and see your family too which is difficult whilst under the roof of your in-laws. But if you leave, your father-in-law is threatening to cut all ties.
The first thing to do in this situation is making istikhara and asking Allah to guide you to make the right decision.
In the meantime, take some time and seriously consider your options and their consequences. You might find it more convenient to write it down and put it visually where you can compare the options.
Whatever choice you make will have ongoing consequences. Importantly, give it time.
Once you make your decision, leave everything for a short time and then a week or so later reconsider your options. Maybe a better option will come to your mind or the circumstances will change.
During this process, ensure to invoke your husband since whatever happens will affect him also.
If you choose to stay, perhaps you need to discuss some kind of compromise with your father-in-law, particularly regarding seeing your family and leaving work. For example, perhaps it’s possible for you to cut down to part-time work, so you can be at home more. However, he has to be willing to allow you to see your family more often.
At present, it seems he is quite unwilling to compromise, so it may be better to approach him with someone else whom he may be more responsive to including your husband or a family member or friend that he is close to.
May Allah guide you to make the decision that will be best for you and your family.
Amen,
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