I am living a happy life with my parents. I am taking care of them.
Recently, there is new family who came to the building next to me. They have a 19 years old daughter.
I’ve noticed that whenever this girl sees me she behaves differently, Incident 1, while she was standing with her mother, I was crossing them. She started turning towards me.
Incident 2, if we arrive at the same time, she removes her niqab while looking at me.
Incident 3, while I was sitting on my bike to get my glass from parents, she passed by me to talk to her cousin. I noticed that as she was passing by me closely, her burqa touched my shirt.
Incident 4, while I was getting on my bike after Isha prayer, she was standing nearby talking to her relatives. However, she kept on staring at me.
I feel I am attracted to her. The whole day I am thinking of her. These thoughts make me crazy. I want to marry her.
I have never looked at her body shape. I usually do not talk to women and keep my modesty. I constantly pray to Allah and make istikharah to guide me with this decision. Please advise me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It is important to keep in mind that although in Islam there is no objection about marrying a girl with a huge age difference, there may be issues with regard to mental compatibility later on, which may cause differences in marriage, opinions, and behaviors in general.
While you have matured with age, the girl is still young and may behave like a child.
Once the initial infatuation or attraction is over, you might find her immature, selfish and stubborn.
Assalamu Alaykum,
From your post, I understand that you are attracted towards a 19-year-old girl who belongs to the family which has recently moved to your neighborhood.
It seems as though the girl has shown unabashed interest in you on various occasions despite being out in public and even while she was with her family.
You have also mentioned your strong intention to marry her and have asked for advice.
Things to consider
While marrying the girl is allowed from an Islamic perspective, there are certain things you need to consider, which you may have missed out because of the strong attraction you’re feeling towards her.
First of all, it is important that you know how serious the girl is about you. Also, you need to know whether the family of the girl is willing to marry her off.
If they will marry her to someone who is almost 30 years older than the girl herself, already has an established family and kids who are almost the same age as the girl you wish to marry.
It is important to keep in mind that although in Islam there is no objection about marrying a girl with a huge age difference, there may be issues with regard to mental compatibility later on, which may cause differences in marriage, opinions, and behaviors in general.
While you have matured with age, the girl is still young and may behave like a child. Once the initial infatuation or attraction is over, you might find her immature, selfish and stubborn.
Decency
Secondly, while it is somewhat understandable that you are attracted to her, you should also think that a decent girl who has appropriate personal, ethical and religious values would not make such gestures or advances towards a man.
Can you imagine your own daughter (who is almost the same age) in the place of this girl, making such advances towards a man 30 years older than her? I really hope she has not been given such values!
If a girl has the guts to stare at you, remove her niqaab to expose it to you, brush herself by you, making it seem casual; how would you know that she does not have the same behavior with other men as well?
To me, the girl’s behavior points out that she lacks modesty and has a weak character.
Perhaps, you are right that she has an interest in you. However, there could have been more decent ways to let you know about her interest in you for marriage.
She should have been decent and straightforward about it rather than putting you up for a chase.
Example from the past
We have a clear example of how a decent proposal in Islam is given by the female. That is of Khadija’s proposal to Prophet Muhammad.
Khadija sent a proposal for marriage to Prophet Muhammad through a trusted friend Nafisa, who conveyed the message that Khadija was inclined to marry the Prophet,Muhammad.
According to a hadith, narrated by Hazrat Abu Huraira RadhiaAllahu Anhum
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” (Bukhari)
In the Quran, it is said,
“Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to the husband), and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard…” [Surah Al-Nisaa: 34]
Ask yourself the reason why you want to marry the girl.
Check out this counseling video:
Marriage is a lifelong commitment
Please, understand that marriage is life-long. It involves not only your own life but also the life of your future wife to be.
The decision cannot be made solely on the basis of the sexual attraction you’re feeling because of a few encounters.
You also need to know the family’s culture, traditions, and values.
I will not discourage you from marrying this girl if you are sure that the girl will be able to adjust in your home and be happy with what you have to offer her.
You are definitely on the right track that you do not want anything to do with the girl, lest you marry her.
I also admire you that you are consistently doing an Istikhara and praying to Allah. May Allah help you make the right decision.
If you still feel comfortable and have the urge to marry the girl, and if her family is also ready to give her hand in marriage to you, by all means, do so.
But, if you have any doubts about whether the girl will be able to adjust to your home, respect you or your parents, I will advise you think about the decision on a deeper level.
Remove yourself from wrong
In case you feel that the girl will not be a suitable wife for you, I would advise you to remove yourself from that neighborhood where you have to encounter the girl on a daily basis.
In the Quran Allah says,
“Allah knows the fraud of the eyes and all that the breasts conceal.” [40:19]
And in another place Allah says,
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” [24:30]
If things do not work out for you and the girl for marriage, I would still advice you to find a good, respectable woman who you can marry and share your life with.
Find someone who would not have an objection that you have already been married and have a family.
It important that you do not hide from your spouse to be about your previous wife and family as it can cause bitter feelings if they find it later on.
I pray to Allah that you are able to reach the right decision, which is better for you and your family in this world as well as in the Hereafter.
Amen.
salam,
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