I feel he turns on me and says I’m to blame and everybody says it’s me not them. He says that our marriage will not work if I don’t except these people who are not even family which makes me feel like he is letting others come between our union.
He is saying it’s me or them which makes me feel like he is threatening to leave me without getting an overstanding and seeing from my point of view what they do or not do to make his wife not trust his friends/brothers in Islam or take them seriously.
He knows how I have suffered all my life with not being able to trust or count on people only Allah. I hate to be disappointed so I always try to nip it in the bud before it happens.
I know I could be overreacting and that’s is why my main concern is just getting him to be more understanding of my issues so he can address them properly and privately without letting the other person know that he values their word over his life partner which I believe gives them room to disrespect me if he does it in front of them.
I believe he should be on my side at all times, praise me in public and address any issue he has with me in private. I need for my husband to be my best and only true friend whom I can tell ANYTHING without him judging me or threatening to leave me.
What dua can I make for my husband to make him be more considerate and patient in sincerely respecting my feelings and my mental state and making other people understand his wife and showing them we have a bond that can’t be broken.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Discuss your feelings and concerns with your husband.
For the sake of your well-being and your marriage, try to evaluate your perceptions and be non-judgmental .
Get counseling so you can begin to heal, trust again, and move forward with your life and marriage.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. You stated that you realize you have trust issues. You also indicated that you see things, about the people your husband brings into your lives, as a cause of concern for you.
As a result, this is causing problems in your marriage to the point wherein your husband feels your marriage will not work unless you start accepting others.
Sister, you love your husband very much. It seems you long to be not only his wife but a best friend as well, as it should be.
Sister, there is so much in the Qur’an and hadiths about how to treat your wife. How to cherish her and treat her with loving kindness.
There is a really great video on Aboutislam which beautifully illustrates a few of these points. The one that really appealed is by Muslim and states that, “Anas narrated that the Prophet had a Persian neighbor who was good at cooking soup.
Prophet’s care for his wife
One day he prepared some soup and invited the Prophet to it. `A’ishah was present so the Prophet suggested to the neighbor that she should join them.
The neighbor refused to include her in the invitation. The Prophet, therefore, declined the invitation. The Persian repeated the exclusive invitation for the Prophet who, once again, declined the invitation.
In the third attempt, the Persian neighbor invited both the Prophet and his wife, `A’ishah. Then, the Prophet accepted his invitation and went with `A’ishah to the man’s house.”
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As we can see, The Prophet had so much reverence, love and respect for his wife, that he would not even accept an invitation without her. What a beautiful example our Prophet is for all husbands to follow.
Talk it out
Sister, I suggest insha’Allah that you sit with your husband when things are calm and discuss your feelings and concerns about the people which he is bringing into your life.
I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you highlight their good points first and then discuss the things that leave you feeling distrustful.
Perhaps sister, you should also discuss with him how much you love him and want to be his best friend.
Also let him know that nothing can come between you two. It may insha’Allah soften his heart to really think about your feelings regarding this matter.
learn from the sunnah
I would kindly suggest reading some hadiths with your husband to illustrate how the Prophet treated his wives. Especially in regards to their feelings.
How he dealt with others in relation to his wives as well as how he handled any issues that may have arisen.
As we love the Prophet Mohammad dearly, we seek to follow his sunnah. It is the perfect way of living.
It also illustrates how to treat each other, especially the points on marriage and unity between spouses.
Perhaps by re-examining how our Prophet treated his wives, your husband will draw closer to you and try to get in touch with you emotionally.
As you know sister, marriage is a journey of two. While your husband works on being more sensitive to your feelings, desires, and to be more unified. You as well need to evaluate yourself in terms of your trust issues.
While you did not mention why you have trust issues, I would suggest that insha’Allah you take a closer look at why you are so distrustful.
If something happened in the past that is unresolved, I kindly suggest that you seek out a counselor in your area to help resolve these issues insha’Allah.
Look in the mirror
As stated, I do not know your past, only what you have said “I have suffered all my life with not being able to trust or count on people only Allah. I hate to be disappointed so I always try to nip it in the bud before it happens.”
Sister, it may be quite possible, that some of your fears and past sufferings, are playing a part in your views of the people he brings into your lives.
It may be that these are very nice people but your possible past trauma is causing you to be distrustful and think they are not good.
It could be you are right in your analysis and all these people are not good to be around.
However, for the sake of fairness, for the sake of being a good Muslim who is welcoming and non-judgmental, as well as for the sake of your marriage, I highly encourage you to evaluate your perceptions.
I suggest that you make a list of the friends he has brought around. On one side write down their good qualities and on the other side of the list the actions, conversations, and observations that have made you feel distrustful.
Please review these two lists and see which one is longer (is there more positive than negative).
As no one is perfect, sister, as we are all striving, I kindly suggest that if the negatives are not severe, you consider changing your views of the person.
While this is not always easy to do, especially when we have been betrayed or traumatized in the past, the rewards of seeing the good is a blessing.
Counseling
Again, a counselor can help you work through this process of building trust and guide you through your healing journey from your past trauma and disappointments.
I kindly offer these suggestions because married couples usually do socialize with other couples. Some go to Islamic events together, some go out as a group for dinner and so on.
Marriage is a unification, and nothing should come between a husband and wife. However, married couples do not live in a vacuum wherein they have no friends nor any life outside of themselves.
Sister, you have great insight, indeed. You stated that “I know I could be overreacting that’s why my main concern is just getting him to be more understanding of my issues …”
Once you realize you need help it’s a good idea to get some counseling. Perhaps you should bring it up with your husband about how you feel, and how you wish to be treated.
Insha’Allah sister, once he sees that you too are willing to work on yourself in order to save your marriage, this may make him very happy and more hopeful about the future.
As you asked for a du’aa’, I am enclosing a link to a very beautiful and powerful du’aa’.
I have personally found it has helped me greatly when facing personal trials and even when making du’aa’ for others.
Insha’Allah sister, you will find it helpful for your situation.
Please, do speak with your husband, examine your trust issues as well as honestly look at your views of others with your lists.
Insha’Allah, get counseling so you can begin to heal, trust again, and move forward with your life and increase the blessings and closer union within your marriage.
salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.