Answer
In this counseling answer:
“You could arrange something where you will all get together in a positive environment. If she is given this chance to get to know him like you do and talk to him herself rather than hearing about him through you, then she will be given the opportunity to develop a fondness towards him that she doesn’t currently have. This way, she will be able to see first-hand how he feels towards Islam. This may give her peace of mind and settle her feelings towards him.”
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatulahi Wa Barakatuh sister,
It is very difficult when one’s parents do not approve of a choice of spouse. In an ideal world, parents will love a child’s spouse like their own child, but there are many times when this is not the case. This makes things difficult for all parties.
It seems that this is the case for you and is making things very difficult for you. Of course, as your mother, you respect her and understand the importance of this from an Islamic perspective, but at the same time, you feel that she is showing you a great disrespect by not accepting your spouse. You feel obliged to her, but also to your husband too. This makes things especially stressful for you in this scenario.
In this kind of situation, a useful thing to do, to begin with is to try and take a look at things from her perspective. As your mother, she will always want what’s best for you. Unfortunately, in many cases, parents will set standards so unattainable high for their children that no spouse that they find will ever be good enough and this will cause difficulties.
Also, keep in mind, that until you got married, you were dependent on her to meet your needs. Once you got married, you no longer solely relied on her as you now have a spouse who you can turn to meet, for example, your emotional needs. This can be difficult for parents to adjust to and can often take some time. Understand that this might then make her experience some feelings of resentment towards your spouse as he has now taken over this role that she once had.
Also, understand that it may be that she is fearing that your husband may not revert to Islam and, therefore, any children you may bear in the future will take on his religion. This will lead your family away from the path of Islam.
This could also be a big concern for her too especially considering that Islamically a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man for this very reason. This may be making her feel like a failure as a mother. Whilst these things don’t make her behavior towards you acceptable, it might help you to understand why she is behaving this way and ease the burden on you emotionally.
As the person who is a link between your spouse and your mother, you could use this position to your advantage (as well as everyone else) and try to encourage good relations between them. Perhaps they have not known each other for long and so your mother has not had a chance to get to know him in the way you do and, therefore, is not able to see the good in him as you do.
Therefore, you could arrange something where you will all get together in a positive environment. This could be as simple as inviting her round for dinner and stimulate healthy discussion between your mother and him. If she is given this chance to get to know him like you do and talk to him herself rather than hearing about him through you, then she will be given the opportunity to develop a fondness towards him that she doesn’t currently have. This way, she will be able to see first-hand how he feels towards Islam. This may give her peace of mind and settle her feelings towards him.
May Allah guide your husband to the path of Islam and soften your mother’s heart towards him. May He bring peace and happiness in your family between both you and your spouse and your mother.
Amen,
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