I Left My Country to Escape from the Pedophiles

23 July, 2017

Q Assalam o alaikum dear counselor. I don't know whether I am asking a question or telling my story but there is only one quest always stuck in my mind that why me. Why has this all happened to me? I was brought up in Asia and when I was in my early twenties I came to Europe. And after that, I am still living here away from my loved ones. Even my mother died a few years ago and I could not go to her funeral. I still don't know that I ever would be able to go back. My father died when I was a child. I am almost 30, physically healthy man with no sexual feelings for women. I don't even have any feelings for a man I have feelings for men but these feelings are passive. I feel like I am a woman inside. I hate my self-being like this even I thought killing myself but then stopped because this is haram in my religion. I am a complete Muslim with a strong belief in Islam. I know this is a sin to have sex with men according to Quran and Hadith. I definitely don't commit this sin I stopped doing this ages a go when I came here. I know the readers must be thinking that what this man is trying to tell us. I am like this since I know myself. I was a very attractive young boy. I attracted pedophiles towards me. First my much older cousin then another cousin and many others from my neighbors, my school mates, even the people who I seek help from. These people have been abusing me continually for 15 years. I have been hurtled many times. I have been drugged and then raped by groups. No one to rescue me. When I was old enough to save myself and keep away from them, I decided to go abroad and live my life free of abuse and pain. So I came here to live freely. I know I am a human being and I shouldn't be treated like I have been. I am happy living here now but there are flaws and gaps in my personality which I am trying hard to complete but my soul is injured and I am not normal to live in a society where I see couples living their beautiful life with families and they have children. My biggest wish is having children but I don't think that this wish would ever be fulfilled. I have been receiving counseling from an organization. They helped me get out of my traumatic experiences. It is their help that I am here expressing my feelings and experience of life, otherwise, I was just body walking with no feelings no soul. Dear brothers and sisters, whatever I told you is not the half an even quarter of what I have been through. I want to do something for those little boys like me in those third world countries. But I want my life back too. Please tell me whatever you can to make me understand that where I am standing right now. Jazaq Allah ul khair.

Answer

Aisha Mohammad

23 July, 2017

In this counseling answer:

“As you were abused sexually over and over again by males, it is possible that in your child mind you began to associate yourself as female as your abusers were male.” The counselor advises trying Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and joining support groups for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry for the loss of your parents and all the horrific trauma and abuse that has happened to you throughout your childhood and adolescence. There are no words to adequately describe the horror you have been through. Allah’s wrath will be upon those people who have tortured and abused you, brother.

You Are not Alone

Sadly, as you know, you are not alone. According to Psychology Today, in the USA 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. “By age 16, as many as one in six boys in America has had unwanted sex with an adult or older child. Millions of men abused as children, continue to live with the debilitating effects of shattered trust”. It is truly a devastating and evil epidemic causing many men to suffer from a myriad.

You stated you are in counseling. I am wondering, brother, do you attend support groups as well? How would you rate your progress since you started counseling? How long have you been in counseling? I am asking because if you have been in counseling for a while you will understand that the feelings you are having (no sexual feelings for women, attracted to men; feeling your soul is injured; feeling like a women inside; thoughts of killing self, etc.) are often common in some men who have been raped, abused, and tortured as children. Much of what you are feeling or not feeling may be rooted in this trauma, with additional feelings of loss of trust and fear.

It is a De-masculinizing Trauma

Psychology Today also points out that “Sexually abused boys are also troubled if they were aroused while being abused. Teenagers are easily aroused, having little control over the hormones surging through their bodies. But if they’re stimulated by aspects of their experience, they may feel they participated in or even invited the abuse. This confuses a boy who also knows he was also repelled by the experience. Feeling guilty about any sexual pleasure he felt during his molestation, he may become ambivalent about all sexual pleasure”.

This is an important point, especially regarding your sexual orientation and your feelings of being like “a women inside” as well as your seeming attraction to men. As you were abused sexually over and over again by males, it is possible that in your child mind you began to associate yourself as female as your abusers were male. As the abuse was severe and prolonged, your soul was harmed and possibly the result was to try to make sense of it all at some point. This is not something you did consciously, but rather as a coping mechanism to deal with the horror and severe abuse you were going through.

It is a de-masculinizing trauma. Some research has supported this theory and other research states there is no correlation between sexual abuse and sexual orientation later in life. Whatever the case may be, brother, I do feel it is something you should explore further with your counselor, or perhaps within a support group of Adult survivors of Sexual Abuse & Trauma. By hearing the experiences and feelings of others who may have had similar things happen to them you may gain insight into your own present issues.

Engage in CBT & Support Groups for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse

My dear brother, while I do not know all the details, I do know that often times after such horrific abuses, there are sexual identity issues that occur as well as a numbness, loss of sexual interest, and misdirected sexual desire. There are definitely trust issues as in all trauma of this kind. These aftermath effects are the brain’s way of coping with the terror that has occurred.

As you are seeing a counselor, if you are not engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), I would highly suggest that you ask your counselor about it. Cognitive therapy may help to identify distorted thoughts of yourself, others, and the world around you. It attempts to replace these maladaptive cognitive thoughts with more accurate and realistic views of yourself and the world. The behavioral portion works on enhancing the behavior-response repertoire by learning about more adaptive behavioral responses, coping strategies, and learning new skills. This will in sha’ Allah help you gain a deeper insight into why you feel what you do and how to restructure not only your thinking processes but your behaviors as well. CBT has a high success rate but it does take time and dedication.

As you stated, you look at other happy couples with babies and wish for this. In sha’ Allah, brother, you will have this. Allah (swt) is most merciful and He (swt) loves you. Allah (swt) does see and know your pain, brother, and He (swt) will never leave you. You are a wonderful man, and I am amazed at how far you have come in this life after all the horrible abuse you went through. You seemed to have come far in your healing. You just have a bit further to go, in sha’ Allah. But never give up. Do not doubt that Allah (swt) has created you to heal and succeed.

You have a compassionate heart and want to help other boys who may be at risk or victims of what you have been through. May Allah (swt) bless you, dear brother, for your strong and compassionate heart. Many who went through what you have, become bitter and hateful. They do not want to help anyone as they are so hurt and damaged. You are not.

In sha’ Allah, you will work out your identity and desire issues and return to a state of mind wherein you can continue to develop in the way Allah (swt) intended you to. You have made great progress and you should be proud of yourself. Try to relax your thoughts of this. Seek Allah’s (swt) guidance and make du’aa’ for your full healing.

Please do look into CBT if you’re not already engaged in it as well as support groups for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse. I have no doubt that you can overcome these possibly last hurdles in your healing and attain all you want in life – a wife, children, peace of mind and more. In sha’ Allah, you will be well prepared to help other young men such as yourself on their healing journey from such tragic abuse, perhaps making a career in the helping profession or doing charity work. Your suffering was not in vain, dear brother. Allah (swt) has great things in store for you, just hold on to the rope of Allah (swt).

You are in our prayers brother. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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