How to Help My Spoiled, Addict Sister?

30 May, 2017

Q Salam Alaikum. Firstly, I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my email. I am writing because I am concerned about one of my older sisters. Firstly, I will give you a bit of background information in hope you will understand the situation more. Ma sha’ Allah we have a big family 8 siblings all together and this particular sister is the middle one. When she was young one of my aunts who doesn’t have kids persuaded my parents to allow her to help with the upbringing of my sister. My parents didn’t see the harm in this after all we lived only 2 minutes away from her house. My parents treated my sister like they would have treated any of us however my aunt extremely spoilt her. We then emigrated from our home country and finally, my parents made the decision to reside in this country so we can have a better life. My two older sisters went to the same high school; unfortunately, this one I’m writing about getting involved with the wrong crowd of people. By the age of 17 she was smoking, clubbing, stealing, taking drugs (I didn’t know that then) but my parents fear of losing her and her running away so they sent her to live with my aunt and continue her education back home. I still remember the day she was going- my mom was crying begging her to stay and change her ways but she was adamant to go to her “mother” (my aunt). My sister spent around 4 years with my aunt; however, there wasn’t a day that went by without my parents calling her. She always had the latest clothes before any of us. She didn’t complete her education and finally, my parents bought her back (this was 6 years ago). However, she came back with a lot of resentment especially towards my mom if a person can hate their own mother then it would be my sister. It is sickening sometimes the way she shouts at her and disrespects her and my mom takes it all and tells us to stay out of it. It annoys us because clearly, she hasn’t learned anything; she is always seeing herself as a victim and doesn’t realize the pain she has caused my parents. She is always thinking the worst of us and misinterpreting anything we say into us hating her. Also, my aunt who spoilt her rotten gets similar treatment the short temper screams down the phone. For the past 3 years, she has been working, she has a good income however in a lot of debt, doesn’t buy herself any clothes all her money is going towards what I strongly suspect her drug addiction. Of course, my sister would never admit what she is doing, however, her behavior says it all, her mood swings, temper tantrums, lack of eating, paranoia, dishonesty, a large amount of money spent but not explained and the list goes on. She is always borrowing money from my mom and mom gives her despite the fact she knows where she is using this money on. I keep telling my mom what she is doing is wrong as she is sponsoring her for an early death. However, my mom is scared of my sister, she is scared my sister will leave home and never return (she’s done that once) so instead, she gives her money and pretends she doesn’t know where it’s going and prays to Allah she will become a better person. My father is old and sick hence would not be able to handle to know the truth if he doesn’t know already. My sisters don’t want to get involved they had enough. Personally, I don’t know what to do. My relationship with her is not of one where I can easily talk to her about this. I remember a couple of years ago when we had an “honest” talk and I said to her we all love her; however, we felt she is the one who hates us to which she responded to going into a severe depression and wanting to kill herself. Even Ramadan cannot keep her away from her addiction and her doesn’t fast so she can continue smoking and doing whatever she wants. Jazakum Allah Khair and I apologize for the long email.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh Sister,

Jazakillah khairan for writing in with this problem. It is truly a difficult thing to watch the people you love suffer and feel unable to help them.

Allah (swt) tells us,

“… Verily, Allah will not change the (good) condition of a people as long as they do not change their state (of goodness) themselves (by committing sins and by being ungrateful and disobedient to Allah)… (Quran 13:11)

SubhanAllah, this ayah answers your question, “How do you think we can help my sister if she does not admit what she is doing?”

This is basic a problem with managing any difficulty. No matter what the treatment is, if the patient is not compliant, then, of course, there is little to be done. So the focus must be on supporting and encouraging the person to admit to the problem and get help. Once they get to this point, the rest is then easier to attain, in sha’ Allah.

I must say at the outset that there are many explanations for your sister’s behavior and without having met her I cannot obviously say for sure that she is taking drugs. However, if this is the case, I would suggest that you look at this link and the practical steps it gives.

In addition to these guidelines, I think also when you are talking to your sister, consider the following:

When you ask a question, you have a job to listen to the answer. If you talk to your sister sincerely, be aware she may answer sincerely and you may not like the answer but you have to accept it (this does not mean you need to agree they are correct) but accept that is how she feels. If you reject what she says then she is unlikely to talk again and she is likely to feel worse rather than better.

One of the mistakes people make when “talking” to people in such situations is that they ask the questions than cannot deal with the answer and become defensive or dismiss the answer because it is not comfortable. This does not mean that you cannot challenge what she says with your thoughts or own evidence for your beliefs about what she is doing, but you need to listen first and allow her to feel she is being heard.

If you have tried one method of communication and it has failed, then try something different or at least change the content. If you repeatedly say the same thing or speak to her in the same manner without success, then such conversations will merely cause her to become defensive or reject any communication and reduce the significance of your message.

Rather than telling her what she feels about you, why not ask her? Do not tell her she hates you; ask her what she feels.

Forgive me, but from your email, it seems that you have also made up your mind about her activities and how she must be helped. However, this is a delicate matter and needs diplomacy and practical considerations beyond forcing the person to come to terms with their problem as you, not they, see it.

In order to help anyone, you must first listen impartially and piece the information together irrespective of what you think is going on. Again this is something Islam guides us to – to avoid suspicion without clear evidence. So you need to first establish a closeness to her that allows her to tell you what she is experiencing and what is really going on. Remember this will not be an easy thing for her to admit and she will not find it easy to admit it to someone she feels will judge her or accuse her of things she may not feel/be doing.

Do not try to treat her yourself. If your sister is taking drugs, this needs a medical treatment. It is not a case of simply telling her to stop. It is not that easy.

I would suggest that your parents also go through the attachment and think about a management plan. Remember that the idea is not to shame your sister. You should not confront her as a whole family rather maybe just one or two people speak to her directly but the others stick to a shared practical management plan. Otherwise, you risk her leaving because she will feel everyone is against her.

Regarding your sister’s behavior towards your parents, I would remind you to focus on pleasing the Creator rather than the Creation. If they allow your sister to continue her behavior towards them, it will legitimize it and when they expect her to change she will be obviously resistant because thus far they have accepted it.

The message she needs to be given should be clear. They need to be clear in what is expected and clear in the consequences if she does not adhere to their wishes and expectations of good manners. In these cases, the experts advise a specific conversation where the rules are laid out so add this issue to the discussion. Remember that enjoining the good is not about being loved or popular as any parent knows! But it also means that there is a consequence and these must be clarified also.

Most importantly, I suggest that you contact a support group and visit the staff there and talk to them about your concerns. This way, you have someone you can contact if your fears are verified and this is the case.

I would advise as a starter that you try the above. Then, in sha’ Allah, allow the professionals to take over with the treatment if need be.

These are some basic suggestions because as I said I have not seen your sister personally, but if you need any more information then please do not hesitate to contact me again with specific questions, in sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) open the doors of good for your sister. May He open her eyes to the good and her heart to faith and for us all. And may you be rewarded your perseverance in helping your sister.

Amen,

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