Now he is engaged with other girl. Part of me wants to forgive him, because it is he who was disrespectful toward me. But when I start thinking about this issue from religious perspective, I get sick. I stopped praying, and when I even think about reading the Quran or praying, I feel a kind of hate I never felt before. No matter how much I try, it all reminds me of him in the first place.
I remember all those things he told me, and everything what he actually did behind my back. He betrayed his religion and everything he was born with. I see him as such a hypocrite, and I see all around me only these kinds of people.
Sexual harassment happens all the time on the streets in Morocco. These men are yelling after me and trying to flirt with me. It all just makes me sick, and right now I am so twisted. I find everyone hypocrite, but maybe I am the biggest one. I do not want to blame the religion. I totally understand it is an unhealthy mixture of traditions and culture with some crippled understanding about Islam. But all my hate is going that direction. I can forgive him and despite all what he did, I think that he is a great man, but I cannot forgive for his "fake religion". Please help me. I do not want to hate Islam, but by saying that I feel myself a hypocrite.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Sister, you will see a lot of people in Islam acting all sorts of crazy and haram ways. That doesn’t mean it is of Islam, as you know. The test here is that you remain clear-headed, steadfast in YOUR deen, in YOUR love for Allah and seeking knowledge of Islam.”
As- Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us. First of all, congratulations on your reversion to Islam! It is one of the most important decisions you could ever make in your life, and that is to follow the light that Allah (SWT) has blessed you with. Allah guides who He desires. I am truly sorry to hear about what that man did to you. I know it is heartbreaking, but at the same time, you were given a gift (Islam), why would you want to hold on to a detriment (him)?
Sister, I know your heart is broken, and right now you feel betrayed and confused by him and his behavior. I would like you to look at the situation in this way: Allah (SWT) has different ways of bringing those He chooses to the path of Islam; the path that is righteous, the true path. That in itself is a blessing. Perhaps, if you never met this guy, you wouldn’t have been touched by Islam, and you would have remained outside the safety folds of Islam and Allah’s protection.
Secondly, Islam is a way of life with prescribed acts of living and worshiping. Just as in other religions. However, not all Muslims (or Christians, or Hindu’s etc.) follow the path of their religion. There are many who do not, yet, that should not deter us from our original blessing, our original intention – to serve Allah. We are Muslims to serve Allah, not man.
I realize this is hurtful, even to the point of anger, when your x-boyfriend got engaged to another woman. But think about it: do you really want a man who is not following Islam, who is not pleasing to his Lord, who has (maybe) led you down a wrong path by having a relationship with you when he knew it was haram? He is held responsible because you were not Muslim at the time. Nonetheless, as a Muslim, he was to treat you with respect and honor (whether you were Muslim or not). Perhaps, Allah (SWT) was saving you from great heartache, worse than you feel now if you were to marry him.
You stated “I can forgive to him and despite all what he did I think that he is a great man, but I cannot forgive this “fake religion” and that is an interesting perspective. First of all, you are willing to forgive someone who was NOT following his religion, someone who was disrespectful, foul and hurt you? Yet, you blame Islam (Allah) who loves you dearly, and loves you so much He brought you into the light of His mercy?
Check out this counseling video:
That is like blaming the mother who feeds their child, and the child in anger flings the food in the mother’s face. Who is the real culprit; the mother who provides the nourishment, or the child who in a fit of anger and disobedience flings the food at the mother?
Sister, you will see a lot of people in Islam acting all sorts of crazy and haram ways. That doesn’t mean it is of Islam, as you know. The test here is that you remain clear-headed, steadfast in YOUR deen, in YOUR love for Allah and seeking knowledge of Islam. This could be a test from Allah. Who do you love more; Allah (SWT) or this guy who is a chump? Think about it. I know when someone breaks your heart it seems like you will never get over the pain. It seems that everything reminds you of them, and especially the things you used to do together, like reading Qur’an. However, this man is NOT the Qur’an and he is NOT Islam, nor are the others who are hypocrites or doing haram things.
I promise you though sister, in sha’ Allah, in a few months, you will not feel this way. When you start healing and begin to see things a bit clearer, you will ask yourself ‘What did I ever see in him? Ya Rabb, thank you for taking him out of my life!’ It is our human emotions which often lead us astray. It is our observations of others’ actions that may discourage us from ever seeking the full truth and path of righteousness if we allow it.
“Born Muslims did not strive hard and swim against a social tide to become Muslim against all glaring odds. They did not sacrifice their family, homeland, lifestyle, or careers to embrace and practice a new religion and to adopt it as a 24/7 way of life. The nonchalance of born Muslims towards Islam might, therefore, come as a shock for a revert who gets married to one of them, because they might have expected their born-Muslim spouse to share, if not exceed, their own passion and fervor for Islam”.
So, as you can see sister, it is an issue in Islam that is acknowledged. Also, as I stated, you will see this phenomenon in Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism and all other religions. Why? Because humans are not perfect, but Islam is.
Sister, I ask you to read of the 99 name of Allah. I ask you to make two lists. I ask that you make a list of your x-boyfriend’s attributes, his good points on one side, then his bad points on another side. Look at them and compare them. Is this the type of ‘love” you want? Now, write down Allah’s (SWT) 99 names and attributes. Compare the lists. Where do you see the most comfort, the most truth, the most love?
When a woman gives birth to a baby, it’s a painful process. But she soon forgets that pain and looks at the beautiful child (gift) she holds in her arms. While she might have gone through resistance, possible she is a single mom, or her husband left her, she now has this beautiful blessing. In a way, that is how it is with Islam. Coming to Islam, we may go through a lot of pain, families may reject us, governments may persecute us, men we think we love may leave (yes, even Muslim men who are not practicing), however, the gift from Allah is beyond comparison as it is the eternal gift and blessing.
I ask you, sister, to start a journal; a journal of healing. I ask you in sha’ Allah to try to put your hurt and anger where it should be, on the relationship with your x, not on Allah and Islam. Write about how you have grown from this experience as a young woman, and what is the good that you have taken from it. Write your feelings about what you are seeing around you in the context of man – not Allah. Try to work on forgiving the things you see and hear which hurt you and make you angry. They are just stumbling blocks Shaitan throws at us to keep us from reaching Allah. Also, we strive to forgive as we would like Allah to forgive us as well. Make a conscious effort to see things in the correct light.
Too often it is easy to blame one thing to avoid the pain of another. In your case, blaming Islam, and Allah more specifically, prevents you from fully feeling the pain, anger, and disappointment you feel towards your x boyfriend as well as those around you who are acting out in haram ways. In transferring your hurt and anger to where it should be, I ask you to keep making du’aa’, ask Allah (SWT) for guidance and ease. In sha’ Allah, please read ‘The Sealed Nectar”. It is about the life of our beloved Prophet (PBUH). I personally found it difficult to put down as it so touched my heart. This book will teach you of the Prophet’s life, his trials, and things he went through, and how he dealt with them. In sha’ Allah, you will find it as inspiring as I did when I was going through a difficult time in my life. The Prophet’s (PBUH) love was amazing.
Sister, in sha’ Allah you will go to the mosque around where you live and begin connecting with some Muslim sisters to form long-lasting friendships. Our sisters can provide much comfort and good guidance. Also, I encourage you to see if there are any classes for new reverts. This will be helpful, too. Please try not to judge other’s haram behaviors. Yes, it is bad, however, let Allah be the judge.
Work on yourself right now and draw close to Allah. He loves you.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/betrayed-cant-trust-men-anymore/
http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/pre-marital-relationships/betrayed-married-someone-else/