Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Your situation is a common one, and it is a topic of concern for many young people. I am happy to hear you would like to please your parents as that is our obligation in Islam to be respectful and loving to our parents. May Allah (swt) bless you.
I also understand (while you did not mention your age) that you are now a young adult, and have goals and dreams you wish to fulfill. Realistically, should you marry first, your dreams of traveling and studying abroad may be hard to attain as you will be a wife with responsibilities, and your husband will have certain rights over you. Therefore, your desire to fulfill some of these dreams and goals prior to marriage makes sense, and it sounds like you gave it great thought and arrived at a responsible decision. While this may be difficult for your mom and dad to understand, perhaps sitting with them when you all are in a calm and good mood and presenting your future plans, visually on a well-defined list of detailed plans and time frame, will help them engage in the conversation with questions in sha’ Allah – questions you should be prepared to answer!
As a parent, I can assure you they are concerned with your safety, your well-being, and want the best for you. However, it is not uncommon for many young Muslims to go abroad and study, travel and otherwise reach some goals they have set for themselves prior to marrying. However, having a well-defined plan of where you are going, how you will be traveling/studying will do much in the way of relieving some of their objections and fears. You might want to do research on a particular school you are thinking of attending abroad and share with your parents the type of school, environment, and local information as well as any ties to Masjids and Islamic activities you plan on engaging in. Showing them that you have a well thought out plan, that you have done your research, even made contacts there, will show them you are not only a mature young lady capable of handling your goals, but it will also demonstrate that you are responsible. It may take a while to win them over, but by always being kind, respectful and mature, it will get you far.
Try to avoid arguing with your mom as that is unIslamic as you know and a sign of immaturity. You want to present yourself as one who is mindful, who has good communication skills, one who is not easily angered and one who is able to express her point in a clear, concise way while also listening to others viewpoints. This will help you as well, when you are out in the world, dealing with people from all backgrounds and belief systems.
Concerning your mom’s demands that you only marry an Arab man, this is a cultural tradition that is hard to break. While not rooted in Islam, many cultures prefer or demand that their children only marry within that specific ethnicity. As you grew up in the USA, I am sure you were exposed to many different types of Muslims in terms of ethnicity and culture. In the end, only you can make the decision as to who you will marry.
Aboutislam scholar states, “Bias for a certain culture is strictly prohibited in Islam, ‘All humankind is from Adam and Eve. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor does a non-Arab have superiority over an Arab; also a White has no superiority over a Black, nor does a Black have superiority over a White, except by piety and good action.’ ( Al-Bukhari, Hadith 1623, 1626, 636, and At-Tirmidhi 1628, 2046, 2085)” and “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.” (At-Tirmidhi #3090) The above hadiths blatantly reflect that piety and creed are the telling elements of the best spouse. There is no indication that culture or race should play even remote importance in choosing a wife or a husband. Cultural baggage has been created by humans, imposing one’s belief upon another’s while the easiest most fulfilling route to take for a marriage would be to love and live like Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).”
This is a point you may wish to make with your mother when the time comes. Utilize the Qur’an and hadiths for making your points in a respectful way. As long as you are following Allah’s (swt) commands, you are not doing wrong. Additionally, you may want to reference that our beloved Prophet (saw) married wives from many different cultures. While your parents will probably still resist the idea that you may marry a non-Arab, I am sure that by the time you do meet someone and decide to marry, they will warm up to the idea. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that He (swt) softens and opens their hearts concerning this matter.
Also, while you have seen your sisters in “bad” marriages and their husbands happen to be Arab, this does not mean that all Arab men are like that. Don’t turn into the same mindset that you are complaining about that your mother has! In fact, many men are controlling and possessive, not just Arab men, and not just Muslim men. In fact, in your travels abroad and in your studies, you may meet the perfect match for your soul, and he might be Arab. 🙂
Sister, please try to deal with only one issue at a time. While I understand they both are intertwined, try to separate them and address your future goals first, and worry about the marriage issue when you have decided to marry. As you know, forced marriage in Islam is haram, and you can only marry by your consent. Keep in prayer dear sister and ask Allah (swt) for guidance in all these affairs.
Salam,
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