I hope you are fine. Currently, I am going through mental stress. We, all siblings, are adult and my parents are looking for suitable proposals for my brothers.
I know this is the most delicate matter of life and it should be sort out with great wisdom and courage. But my family issues are increasing day by day.
Every day my parents are fighting and arguing and I am going through hell. I can't calm my father as he does not listen and if I say something, he abuses me even in front of my other relatives. It's really painful.
So when we are alone, I talk to my mother and she listens to me and tries to understand the situation. She has changed herself and tries not to argue with my father, but even when we say something which is right, he doesn't listen and starts abusing.
I have gone through this throughout of my life and I always used to believe that when I will get marry, everything will be fine and fantastic. But it doesn't seem going to be the way I thought.
I had a proposal from my cousin. His house's environment is no less than mine. When my family received this proposal, they rejected it. And I was happy with this decision.
Not only because of their environment and grooming, but also I do not like my cousin in that way. My heart does not turn to him. But recently, my father has told my mother that he liked this proposal. I was broken heart on hearing this.
It feels like my father doesn't love me. He doesn't care for my feelings, for my likings. I am a shy and coward girl. I can't take stand in my life. I am that stupid and dumb. And I know I will agree but I will never be happy.
I don't know why this happens, but throughout my life, I always had to be patient. I remember the times when it was the decision of my life, but I had to compromise on my wishes. I feel scars on my soul.
I always got through this suffering thinking that my married life will be wonderful and I will be rewarded for all this patience. But It feels like I was wrong. Why does Allah not care for my feelings?
I know everything He does, is better for us. But what about the scars you feel and can't do anything about it? I've been having a headache for two days and it feels like this situation doesn't change, I will soon have a blood pressure problem. I am only 23.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Instead of telling your dad directly that he is wrong and pointing fingers at him, you should try telling him how you feel. Do it when you are alone with him, so he does not get too defensive.
• Leave the room when your parents are fighting.
• Find some hobbies to keep you occupied.
• Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married.
• If you are too shy to talk to your father, then I would suggest that you talk to your siblings or your mother. Maybe they can talk to your father.
As-Salaam ‘Alaikum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. We appreciate it. I am sorry to hear about your family problem. I will try my best to advice you on this matter, In sha’ Allah.
It is not healthy to see parents fighting; therefore, no wonder you have been going through mental stress and maybe blood pressure problem when you have grown up in this kind of environment.
Nobody should experience such a conflictual home. Children who often see their parents having arguments are more likely to suffer from depression than others, and the arguing and fighting is psychologically stressful for the children.
Remember, even people who love each other fight sometimes. It is natural for people who live together and spend a lot of time with each other to sometimes disagree and lose their temper.
It sounds to me that you really get upset when your parents fight. You might want to talk to them about your feelings. You mother may be more understanding when you talk to her, but your father gets angry and abuses you in front of others. Sometimes, parents don’t realize that they make their kids feel upset.
Instead of telling your dad directly that he is wrong and pointing fingers at him, you should try telling him how you feel. Do it when you are alone with him, so he does not get too defensive.
Do you know what your parents normally argue about? If you know, you can ask your mother to avoid those situations and topics. Maybe you feel your father does not understand you, but do not give up. He is your father and, thus, care about you.
Sometimes it’s just hard for them to easily see your point of view. Keep in mind, that this can take time and a lot of patience. I know you mentioned that you have been patient enough and that you feel hurt when your father abuses you when you talk to him, but you will have to try other techniques to make a difference.
Here are a few tips to stop your parents from fighting:
Leave the room when your parents are fighting. It will give you a chance to understand that it is between them and not you.
Choose the right time to talk to your parents. If you think that your father doesn’t listen to you, you can ask someone else to talk to him whom he respects more.
For example, one of your other siblings or some relative. As much as you want their fighting to stop immediately, it’s best if you stay away (if possible) during your parents’ fight. Wait until they’ve calmed down, and tell them how their fighting affects you.
Describe to your parents how things seem to you. To increase the chances of having a good conversation with the outcome you are hoping for, you should explain to them what you observe from your perspective. For example, “Mom and dad, it seems you have been having a lot of fights lately, especially in the mornings when we are all getting ready”.
You or the one who is talking to your father/parents can suggest that they try counseling.
Check out this counseling video:
Be physically active. If you get too stressed by your parents’ fighting, find some hobbies to keep you occupied. For example, read, go for a long walk, and socialize with other people. Physical activity reduces stress.
Some people are just more aggressive than others, so it is best not to talk to your father directly when he is arguing or is angry with your mother or someone else. Since your mother is more understanding, try talking to her whenever you are upset.
Arranged Marriage
I can understand that you are scared to marry your cousin when he is from a conflictual family like yourself. The most important factors for a woman in choosing a husband are his attitude/behavior and his commitment to Islam. Is your cousin a bad person? How can you be so sure that marrying him will make you unhappy?
You are not stupid or dumb. Taking a stand in this kind of matter can be difficult sometimes, especially when you are shy. But Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married.
Try speaking to your mother about this matter and tell her about your concern. Ask her why your father finds this proposal suitable for you and what qualities he has seen in your cousin. I am sure your father does not want anything bad for you and that he will explain why he likes it. Talking about it in a calm and good manner will help you to understand your father’s point of view.
At the same time, you or your mother can tell him what you think. Have an open dialogue about it. If you are too shy to talk to your father, then I would suggest that you talk to your siblings or your mother. Maybe they can talk to your father.
Allah (swt) do care about your feelings. You seem like a girl with good deeds and believes. Allah (swt) has informed us that He (swt) is pleased with righteous words and deeds. Sometimes, He (swt) just tests the ones whom He (swt) loves the most.
“…And if you are grateful, He approves it for you; and no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another… “ (Quran 39:7)
Allah (swt) is pleased with us when we are grateful and devoted to Him (swt). You might feel very lonely at the moment, but remember that Allah (swt) has promised no one will carry a burden beyond their capacity. He (swt) is never unjust. So, whatever hardship we endure, we only get it because we CAN overcome it.
This is our soul training. I know you have been patient for a very long time, and you are about to lose hope, but please be a little more patient and have faith in Allah (swt).
Allah (swt) says:
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (2:153)
Your siblings are old and mature enough and can talk to each other for support and guidance. Ask your brothers to take a stand for you if you are not happy about this proposal. I am sure it will be fine.
May Allah (swt) ease your stress and tension, In sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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