Answer
Assalamu Alaykum Dear Sister,
Thank you so much for asking this question and bringing up this topic.
May Allah ease all your affairs and rectify your relationship with your Mother and make it your mean to enter Jannah. Ameen.
It is indeed difficult sometimes to be dutiful to parents in the situations you described. But this is why Allah made the excellent treatment to parents an act of worship and a means to gain patience, show true faith and obedience to Allah and His Pleasure and enter Jannah.
Just like Allah Almighty said:
“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.” (Quran 31: 14- 15)
So Allah is commanding us to do our best to maintain good relations despite any disagreements, while at the same time not obeying parents if they asked for something that means disobeying Allah. And still in this case- if they ask for disobedience- we’re still instructed not to obey them in that but keep good company to them.
In your case, here are a few tips:
1- To calm yourself down from being angry at her, try to remember your childhood and the countless moments of service your Mom has done for you. How she bore you in her womb while this made her suffer physically and emotionally, how she made her entire life revolve around you when you were born.
How she fed you and clothed you and nursed you and cleaned you and stayed by your side day and night as a child while giving up her own comfort and her own well being. There were also days when you as a child were very difficult to deal with; crying, screaming, refusing to follow what she says, being stubborn and hard to deal with… but she had to put up with all that because you are her child and you have no one but her to show you unconditional love and mercy.
So remember those favors and remember that now is payback time! Allah is expecting you to stick by her side and be merciful to her and never abandon her just like He was expecting from her to stick by your side and be merciful to you and never abandon you as a child…. As Allah said ” Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.”
2- Sometimes we cannot change our parents especially when they get old, so we have to learn how to wisely deal with them. In your case, try to just be quiet when your mom screams or gets angry so that you won’t escalate the situation. Just don’t say anything until she calms down. It will take patience and struggle against your ego to not utter a word, but this won’t go unnoticed by Allah and this will make you more humble and patience and mature as a human being.
3- Try to be smart and creative in being kind to your mother. For example, buy her something that she likes… be it a chocolate that she likes or a piece of clothing or jewelry or book, anything that you know she loves. Giving gifts as the Prophet (peace be upon him) mentioned, increases the love between people. So buy her little gifts frequently, it doesn’t have to be big or fancy, just something simple and sentimental.
4- If your Mom is yelling when she is working in the house, it probably means she is overwhelmed or tired or burdened. So continue to help her around the house so she won’t be stressed and angry. Try to help with cleaning or cooking…etc, the things that she does most of the time and get her tired and burdened.
5- Mothers do so much and receive so little so they tend to feel unappreciated. So keep showing your Mom that you appreciate everything that she does for you and your family. Send her nice text messages. Leave her nice notes or cards in her room telling her that you love her and appreciate what she is doing.
6- Try to take her out and spend time in a nice place together to change her mood and cheer her up.
7- Try to connect on a spiritual level, maybe attend religious classes together on learning the Quran, seerah, hadiths…etc. This is usually very enriching experience and it will help occupy both your minds and hearts, distress you, give you peace, serenity and keep anger at bay.
8- Most importantly, continue to make due for her in every prayer. Dua changes everything and is very powerful. By continuing to make dua for her, her heart would soften and your entire relationship could change to the best.
We pray that you be able to act in a merciful, patient and compassionate way with your mother, and that Allah descends His peace and calmness upon her heart and that He rewards both of you abundantly. Ameen.
Hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.