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My Girlfriend Has Left Me: I’m Lost

03 April, 2018
Q Salaam, I am currently in a very bad situation. I was with a girl for roughly around 2-3 years during school. We were so close, spending literally every day with each other. We broke up just before school finished, and it was like hell for me. I couldn't sleep, eat or drink; I could not even think properly without my gut dropping inside and my lips quivering away. It took me two years to get over her and get my self steady. Then last year, she came back into my life and now she has left me once again simply because she said she was unhappy. The thing is that I have come to the point where I cannot take it anymore; the constant heart ache, crying, and running around like a headless chicken. I’ve poured my heart out in du’aa’ to Allah and I'm patient, but I just cannot function properly as it’s hurting inside. I planned to marry this girl. I believed when she said that she wouldn’t leave me again. I have been having the same symptoms now like previously. I'm in the first year of my university and this issue is affecting my studies and me as a person. I cannot stop thinking about her. She wants nothing to do with me at all; she doesn’t even care of what I'm going through. I feel so lost and in constant, deep pain. I don't know what to do. I knew we were in a haraam relationship, but I just couldn't help myself. I really loved and cared about her. Could you please help me out? I need some support.

Answer

Karim Serageldin
03 April, 2018

In this counseling answer:

“Get busy with everything and anything. Keep your mind off her by not thinking about her and replaying over and over again what happened. You are the only one who will suffer. Move on with dignity. Remove anything in your life that reminds you of her (texts, emails, pictures, objects, etc.) Out of sight, out of mind.”

As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,

It sounds like your heart is pretty hurt right now and you are having difficulty moving on. Going through one’s first love is a rite of passage. Sometimes, we are married to them and sometimes not. To feel the things you are is normal and understandable, as long as you learn from this experience and start moving forward. Your life has more meaning than being in love with a girl. Having a wife is one component of your life, not the defining one. You are still young in age and your heart is tender. When we are young, we feel that nothing is more important than “love.”

“And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah. But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah.” (2:165)

I personally love this verse of the Qur’an as it teaches us that God is not only the source of love but the only one truly worthy of love above all else. People will let us down brother, and that is why when we invest our whole souls into them, we are likely to suffer. Allah, Most Loving, will never break our hearts and your current state is an opportunity to realize and practice this.

In your case, you are feeling a lot of pain for a few reasons:

  1. She was your first love.
  2. You were attached to one another for a few years.
  3. She came in and out of your life which made it harder to move on.
  4. You did things you shouldn’t have, and you damaged your purity and spiritual heart.

The pain seems like it will last forever, but it won’t. It will get easier and there is much to learn from what you shared. Please take the following points of advice to help you get on with your life in the most balanced way in sha’ Allah.

It is noble that you intended to marry her one day and in sha’ Allah God will help you marry whoever is best for you in this life and the next.  But right now you need to move on.  Start taking these steps to get over your ex-girlfriend.

Make Tawba (repentance) for your mistakes. Do not repeat your previous mistakes. Forget and forgive yourself, but remember enough so that it does not happen again. No one is perfect and it is not the end of the world. Allah can still love you and provide for you a great life, trust in that.

Get busy with everything and anything. Keep your mind off her by not thinking about her and replaying over and over again what happened. You are the only one who will suffer. Move on with dignity.

Remove anything in your life that reminds you of her (texts, emails, pictures, objects, etc.) Out of sight, out of mind.

Stay social, be with friends and family. They will offer you support and remind you of your good traits and increase your hope for a brighter future.

Stay firm in your prayers and know that God sometimes removes things from our life for something better. Don’t let Satan make you feel despair and make you impatient and displeased. In all things, there is good to be found and time will heal.

Take your time with the marriage process. When we are young, we think we know what we want and need, but often times we are mistaken. Trust that marriage will happen at the right time as long as you take the right efforts that follow the principles of your religion. Do not see these attempts as “failures” but as learning experiences.

Maintain your positive outlook of yourself with more humility for growth. The realization that you can always use improvement throughout life is a powerful and attractive quality.

“He has succeeded who purifies it, And he has failed who instills it [with corruption.]” (Quran 91:9-10)

May God marry you to the best potential partner in the near future and make you an incredible husband and believer!

Amin,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/pre-marital-relationships/breakup-got-me-down-i-am-so-depressed/

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/essential-steps-to-get-ready-for-marriage/

http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/youth-issues/stop-haram-relationship/

ask the counselor Karim Serageldin Pre-Marital Relationship
About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting