These fights and problems are no big deal if at least the child becomes successful. Success covers all the past pains. It’s normal. But I was wondering, what about those parents who fight with each other continuously, day and night, to the extent that the child can’t miss any week seeing their fight?
I hardly can remember any day that my parents didn’t fight, curse, or abuse each other. It always starts with something ridiculously insignificant and the bomb explodes.
I feel my entire life has been ruined. I was pursuing my degree in another other city and not in my hometown, for the reasons I mentioned previously.
Once I got call from my mother that the doctor said she had diabetes. I assured her that type-2 diabetes is normal and can be kept normal through balanced and customized diets. Since that day, the Third World War has started between them. It got worse when it started about a 3rd person. I am talking about external affairs.
My mother was yelling at my father and my father was yelling at my mother, both accusing the other of unfaithfulness. It was like a volcano eruption. The worst punishing would be for me in Hell that Allah makes me see again these volcanos. I hope Allah will not put my orphan soul into the fire.
Yes, I feel I am an orphan. This is the worst feeling in the world: when your parents are alive, but they make you feel like an orphan. But at least I am more accepting of Allah’s will. I know it happens for a reason.
So the volcano was so strong that I was unable to go back to study. It kept me tied. I tried several ways to escape but without any success.
I tried to talk to them in all ways; I humbly talked to them together, then separately; jokingly, seriously, by not eating, by wearing good clothes which they loved to see on me; by bringing good grades. I have been making dua and pray for them a lot, but so far nothing has happened.
I lost hope in Allah. I know it’s a test, but I feel it is a punishment. I was not able to complete my degree; I failed in my last year. My parents still accuse each other of unfaithfulness; however, they haven’t separated and don’t even want to hear about it. No one in the family can help them. I have taken an oath in front of my parents that I will never marry in my life.
My career ended and I was diagnosed with depression. I have become forgetful, too, and lost my self-confidence. I watch inspirational videos, always be with positive, good friends, but I am not getting better. I even think Allah is annoyed by me. I am not able to get out of this situation, but I have not tried to hang myself and commit suicide because of Allah.
So, I want to know eagerly that in the Quran and Sunnah, the person who is not good to their parents has been cursed and there is warning for these people – even if the parents have ruined their children’s lives? What do Allah and His Prophet say about them? Please help me!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It might be a good idea to talk to them, either together or separately, depending on which you feel more comfortable with, and let them know how their fighting affects you.
• You should not feel like the one to blame for someone else’s problems, even your parents’. What you can do, however, is taking this as your test from Allah and benefit from it.
• The Prophet also tells us that enduring trials as small as the prick of a thorn will expiate for sins.
• Take care of your soul spiritually by praying, reading Quran, and make dhikr and du’aa’, as you do alhamdulillah, but also eat well, exercise, and live a social life, too.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother,
Sorry to read about your difficult situation at present. May Allah reward your patience and steadfastness during these pressing times. It is pleasing that you are still able to maintain your Islamic obligations and are content with accepting Allah’s Will whilst still maintaining hope that you can pick up on your studies again at a later date when you are in a more comfortable situation.
Whilst on the surface it is a very testing situation to be in, keep in mind all the important things that Islam teaches us about enduring trials. You will be able to see your situation on a whole new and enlightening level that, in sha’ Allah, will continue to feed you with hope for your future in both this life and the next.
It is unfortunate that your parents argue in the way they do and even more so that you are the one who suffers the most. It is only natural that as a result you will feel depressed and experience things such as forgetfulness.
Although you cannot interfere in any arguments they have as it is their business, it might be a good idea to talk to them, either together or separately, depending on which you feel more comfortable with, and let them know how their fighting affects you.
Married couples do argue, but these things are not supposed to be done publicly, even in front of family and children because of the very reason you are presenting here. Often parents don’t realize how their own behavior affects the lives of their children. If there is a quiet moment in the house, try and utilize the opportunity to talk to them about how you feel about their arguing. Do remember that during this conversation, it is not your responsibility to get involved in why they are arguing, but to simply make them aware of how affects you. Help them understand how you feel.
Beyond this, it seems that their fighting has already had a very profound effect on your daily life, but this is not your fault. You should not feel like the one to blame for someone else’s problems, even your parents’. What you can do, however, is taking this as your test from Allah and benefit from it. Allah has told us about the many rewards of the remaining patient in times of adversity like you have.
Firstly, let us remember the trials the Prophet and the first Muslims endured, far greater than the ones we face today. Allah loved His Prophets very much, yet still, He tested them to this level. Allah also tells us that He does not test someone beyond what they can bear so He knows that you are strong enough to endure this.
Furthermore, the Prophet also tells us that enduring trials as small as the prick of a thorn will expiate for sins. Allah loves you so much that He has put you in a situation He knows you are strong enough to endure. In addition, it will allow for the expiration of any sins you may have committed.
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So, despite the fact that the situation is tough, there are many rewards in endurance. It also gives you a chance to show your love to Allah and, ma sha’Allah brother, it sounds like you are doing a great job in this.
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286)
The Prophet (saw) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
On a more practical level, when we face tough times at the hands of others’ attitudes, we can often get too caught up in our feelings towards them and neglect ourselves. So, amongst all this, remember to take care of yourself. Take care of your soul spiritually by praying, reading Quran, and make dhikr and du’aa’, as you do alhamdulillah, but also eat well, exercise, and live a social life, too. Spending time with friends will give you some space away from your troubles at home.
Continue what you’re doing; watch motivational videos and spend time with good friends. You’re on the right track; it just takes time to look at your situation from a different and more positive angle. These things I mentioned will make it easier for you to move forward successfully, in sha’ Allah.
May Allah reward your patience with your situation and continue to give you the strength to continue. May your faith in Him makes it easier to have hope for a brighter future.
Salam,
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