Yet, I found it in my heart to forgive and love her as she is getting old. I am now married and she came to spend some time with me, but I thought things would have changed seeing as we used to have a good rapport on the phone. I just feel as if I am still under her but in my house. She keeps fermenting trouble and making quarrels and over the years I have grown rebellious.
I don't want my husband to know what is happening between us, but I am very unhappy because most of these quarrels are uncalled for. Yesterday I had a talk with her and she got annoyed. Today I asked her if she was going to eat anything apart from the leftovers. About 5 minutes afterwards she started shouting that I do not want to give her food and that she was not going to touch anything in my house. Allah knows best but I try to search my conscience and I know I have not maltreated her in anyway. Yet I keep asking why me out of the four of us siblings.
I am getting frustrated and I do not want to talk about it to my husband. All my sister tells me is that I should just try my best cause my paradise lies at her feet.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“In Islam, you are supposed to respect your parents and treat them well; however, they are not free to abuse you in any way that they please. There are boundaries to what is acceptable and what isn’t. I encourage you to speak with your husband and maybe your father to gain some support. If this continues to be a problem, you may want to gain some mental health counseling in which you can do individual or family therapy.”
As-salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
I am terribly sorry to hear about your struggles with your mother. I must admit that I am quite confused with a lot of the details in your inquiry.
You indicate that you started living with your parents at the age of 10+, though you do not share details of why you didn’t live with them prior to that and more importantly, where and with whom you did live. Furthermore, I am wondering if your parents are still together.
You indicated that your mother came to “spend some time” with you, though you don’t indicate how long she has been with you and how much longer she intends to stay.
Your mother has no business beating or biting you at all. You say that you don’t talk to your husband about your issues with her and I am not sure why you do not allow him the opportunity to support you as you struggle to deal with your mother.
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It is really important that you make a fair assessment of your behaviors towards your mother and that you realize that you are not purposefully wronging her. Because there are so many gaps in your inquiry, it is difficult for me to assess anything about the nature of why this is going on and to judge whether she may be suffering from a cognitive or emotional issue.
In Islam you are supposed to respect your parents and treat them well; however, they are not free to abuse you in any way that they please. There are boundaries to what is acceptable and what isn’t. I encourage you to speak with your husband and maybe your father to gain some support. If this continues to be a problem, you may want to gain some mental health counseling in which you can do individual or family therapy.
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