I'm a mother of a 17-year-old boy. My son was born and brought up in the U.K. I'm having great difficulty dealing with him and I am full of fear that he might get lost to Western society. His friends are English despite all my efforts to get him to be friends with some Muslim boys but they are not at his age plus he always says you don't know how the Muslim boys behave away from their parents.
I pray regularly but my husband isn't the same and he's with us 50% of the time since he works abroad. I want my son to be a good Muslim and want to feel he can resist the temptation in this society and don't know how. My problems are:
1) My son doesn't pray and I did try to ask him several times but he's too lazy.
2) He's very untidy and very unorganized as well.
3) He's not doing well at school and all his teachers keep chasing him to submit his work and he never meets deadlines.
4) He socializes with his English friends who go out and drink.
5) He has no problem with lying to cover up for his wrongdoings. I'm too worried about my son and I hope that you can advise me how to deal with him since now I find it difficult to talk to him without losing my temper.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Please approach him without a temper. There is no need for angry tempers when you are reaching out with open arms to your son. Tell him how you see things changing and express a genuine concern in his well-being! Ask him how you can help him.
•Ask him to let you into his heart and for him to trust you to let you in. If he admits to things that frighten you, do not yell at him or physically assault him; instead, realize that he is reaching out and seeking your help!
As-salamu `alaykum wa rahmatulallahi wa barakatuh.
I hear a lot of worry and pain in your words. You love your son very much and are afraid that he be swept away in the unruly tides of Western society. Making your situation more challenging, your husband works abroad and you are functioning as a single parent. Unfortunately, your concerns are similar to those of many parents raising their children in the West and trying to “protect” them from melting into Western society.
In addition, many times we do not draw a defined line around what exactly we want in raising our children. We enmesh culture, religion, and parental expectations all together until it becomes confusing for our children to understand what we are expecting.
You mention five problems in your question. First, he does not pray despite your asking him to do so. Your second concern is his lack of organization and messiness. The third concern is his academic achievement. Your fourth concern is that he socializes with friends who drink and they are also English.
This problem is both religious and cultural: The drinking is a religious concern; however, the concern about his friends being English is cultural!
The fifth problem that you state is that he lies to cover his wrongdoings. You may view this as a religious concern because lying is wrong, but I always encourage parents to examine the possible reasons behind the lying, not so they may excuse it, but so they may not focus on calling their child a liar and instead understand why their child feels the need to lie.
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I think it is reasonable to be concerned for your son, as would any parents (Muslim or non-Muslim) whose son is 17 and going out with friends who drink, is doing poorly at school, and lying to cover it up! His untidiness is an issue of concern if he was previously tidy.
This change in his regular behavior would indicate that there is something that has greatly impacted his life and has even changed his personal habits. His refusal to pray is a symptom of his life problems right now. Your son’s lying indicates not that he is a liar, but that he has things that he needs to cover up. Namely, he is doing things that you would not approve of and he needs to cover them up!
I strongly encourage you to reach out to your son without an agenda to make him pray or to make him seek Muslim friends. Your son needs you to reach out to him with concern about
(1) friends who drink; (2) school performance; (3) any behaviors that have changed in him.
Please approach him without a temper. There is no need for angry tempers when you are reaching out with open arms to your son. Tell him how you see things changing and express a genuine concern in his well-being! Ask him how you can help him. Ask him to let you into his heart and for him to trust you to let you in. If he admits to things that frighten you, do not yell at him or physically assault him; instead, realize that he is reaching out and seeking your help!
My dear sister, I do not know how to say this more clearly than this: Your problem with your son goes beyond his friends being Muslim or not. I suspect that your son has some life problems. Please reach out to him! Right now the danger to your son is not simply that he is not praying or that he is lazy or messy; there is concern that he might be drinking or doing other destructive behaviors.
Given that you are raising your son mostly alone and this is very hard to do, I think you would benefit from seeking the help of a counselor in your area. It would be great if you could access a Muslim counselor; however, if you cannot find one seek out any good counselor. Sister, when dealing with your son, do not try to predict the future by worrying about how he is going to get married, or be a father. He is 17 and it is not uncommon to have problems at that age. Please focus on the present and do not make yourself overwhelmed with trying to worry about the future. Also, make du`aa’ (supplication) for him and take care of yourself as well.
I ask Allah to give you wisdom and guidance and that your family may be healed. Please let us know how you are doing.
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