Social Anxiety & Mother’s Expectations Ruin My Life

28 July, 2017

Q Salam. I think you will get the picture of my situation if I compared myself to my mother. My mother is very industrious, ambitious, assertive, and extrovert person. When I think about her, I can only say positive things about her. Unfortunately, I am nothing in comparison to her. I am basically nobody; a very shy and introvert person suffering from social anxiety. I am now 35 years old with a failed marriage behind me. I have one little child. My parents thought that studying law will be a great opportunity for me because they noticed I like justice and fair treatment, and they thought of me as an independent and successful lawyer. Therefore, I have chosen law and was a very outstanding student. But after graduation, I started working as a trainee in a law office and there started the problems. My mentor didn’t have time to prepare me for cases in front of the court. I also discovered that I did not leave an impression of a self-confident, strong, capable lawyer and person in front of the court. Many times the judges made fun of me, and the other opponent side attacked me verbally. The job was very demanding because I had to deal with this fear of people and interaction with them. My health got worse; I developed severe acne on my face. Besides this regular job, I would continue working in our family business. I helped my family to rise above financial problems as my parents didn’t have regular jobs for many years after returning to our home country and supported me and my brother during our university education, which was very hard with much sacrifice. After those two years, I quit my job in the lawyer office and worked only in our private family business. But my mother started complaining why I sat only at home and whether I planned to spend my whole life in front of the computer doing this job in our family business. When I started to explain her about what is going on with me, she would just say to me that she did not understand what fear of interaction, what kind of silly problems I had when there were too much more important things in life, like making my own living, earning my own money. They advised me to leave our home country and go somewhere abroad to make my master and doctor. I agreed, but the things got even worse there. It was a very big city, I was very afraid to walk around alone and I felt there coldness and felt strange like I did not belong there. The university was even more difficult, they would ask me why I came here because there are so many differences between the two law systems and so on. With my poor communication skills, lack of self-confidence, and introvert personality, I could not fulfill my parents’ wishes. Again, I was a failure. I returned to my parents and did what I could do best; help my parents in our family business. The next year, I married my long-time fiancé, but he left me soon after the birth of our child, after meeting a woman who he fell in love with. After this marriage disaster because of the pain I felt, I started to realize some things about myself. I did not value myself enough to quit our engagement, and I thought he is the only one who would love me. I was a very modest person and nobody was interested in me so I thought that he was a gift from God when I met him. I was so wrong. My whole family suffered because of this divorce and his actions afterward. We moved away to make a new beginning and to avoid further harassments and to have peace. Now we live in our small home town, in our family home. Our family business even thrived more, and we’re so thankful for that. But what is next? My mother is still not pleased with me, the whole pattern repeats itself. She is right, I know that, but I don't have any more power to change myself. She complains that I'm still the same, that I am stuck in our house, I don't have any friends, …etc. The tension in the home is not easy to bear; she always looks at me with some kind of distress. It becomes even worse when she meets some of her past acquaintances and friends whose children moved alone abroad to study, finished schools, got jobs and gained citizenship or residence, or they married someone there. In such cases, she is even more depressed and talks about their achievements. She always adds “if my children were more ambitious, we would not struggle for so long”. She always preserves this image that we only come and go here in the house and that we actually live in another bigger city. I am at the end of my strength now and really don't know what to do. I cannot sleep at night because of the worry. I wake up very tired; I see no light, no solution. What can I do with my law degree in another country when even in my home country I have not achieved much in this field? I am just going with the flow. Please help me and give me some advice, thank you in advance.

Answer

Aisha Mohammad

28 July, 2017

In this counseling answer:

The counselor suggests: look at your list of aspirations and goals, find out what it is you are truly interested in, and what you may want to pursue as a career. Begin to view your future as a wide open opportunity to grow and succeed, not lingering in your mother’s shadow, but shining in your own light that you will create. I would also kindly suggest that you get counseling for the social anxiety.

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as if having a mom who is very outgoing, ambitious, and industrious served as a “measuring stick” to which you seek to attain. The downside to your mom’s ambition is that she (and possibly your family) is very much concerned with social status and what others may think. This illustrated by your statement “She always preserves this image that we only come and go here in the house and that we actually live in another bigger city”. Living under such intense expectations as these, I can imagine it would be difficult to find your own true heart, longings, and place in this world.

While you stated you lived in the city and experienced social anxiety, you also express depression whilst living in your hometown wherein mostly elderly lives, and there is no opportunity or inspiration! While it is in our hearts to want to help our parents and do as much for them as we can, often times we need to overcome misconceptions we have acquired that have been part of our experience while growing up. These messages we assimilate about ourselves (some stated and others subliminal), can be negative in nature and damage our sense of selves as well as our abilities. The fact that you did not cut off the engagement even though you knew your husband was not right for you is an example of “living the misconceptions”.

You stated “I did not value myself enough to quit our engagement, and I thought he is the only one who would love me. I was a very modest person and nobody was interested in me so I thought that he was a gift from God.” Dear sister, if you had been raised to value yourself and your worth (as well as not trying to be like your mom), you would have had the confidence to reject this marriage offer which you knew was not going to be good for you. In fact, he too was obsessed with social status as well as having lots of finances -unfortunately, trying to live off of you.

While we often model (and inherit) character traits from our parents, that is not always the case. In fact, Allah (swt) created you in a unique and wonderful way! He created all of us as individuals with abilities and different personalities. Just because you feel you are not like your mother does not mean you are any “less”. Allah (swt) creates each and every one of us in a unique form. No two people since the time of Adam and Eve have ever been exactly alike. Even identical twins have their own personalities, likes, and dislikes, and good and bad qualities. Therefore, dear sister, you have been created in a wonderful way which includes good qualities and abilities!

Your statement “I am basically nobody” is indicative of low self-esteem. You are somebody! In sha’ Allah, I urge you to start a journal and write down daily at least five of your positive traits, skills, accomplishments, hopes, aspirations and the kind things you do. You will be surprised at how quickly that list builds up. Review it weekly to see how blessed you are.

I would also ask you to review your situation with your job as a trainee in the lawyer’s office. As a trainee, you were supposed to be “trained”, meaning that the fact they did not provide any support, even basic ones such as briefing you on cases and then expected you to be able to do a competent job in the court room is unreasonable. In retrospect, they are partly responsible as they did not do their job correctly in preparing you, but in addition, you did not speak up in an effectively assertive way to change things. This is due to your social anxiety and low self-esteem. Psychology Today states in regards to people with low self-esteem that “they feel reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel helpless about changing things. All this merely lowers their self-esteem even further, and they end up getting caught in a downward spiral”.

Based on what you wrote about how you are now “sitting at home”, it seems that you have let these negative self thoughts put you on a downward spiral. Sitting at home dear sister is not the answer; you are a capable, intelligent young woman, you just need to rearrange your self-image as well as addressing your social anxiety, in sha’ Allah.

Please see the links for self-esteem tips as well as doing the daily journal. Begin to view your future as a wide open opportunity to grow and succeed, not lingering in your mother’s shadow, but shining in your own light that you will create. I would also kindly suggest that you get counseling for the social anxiety. It is a very common disorder affecting 15 million adults in the USA alone. While its symptoms are uncomfortable such as fear of speaking in public, feeling people will judge, feeling self-conscious, avoiding situations and people as well as other symptoms, it is quite treatable. Psychotherapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very successful for it.

In addition to increasing your self-esteem, sister, and addressing your social anxiety via counseling, I urge you in sha ‘Allah to consider going back to school for your masters/doctorate. This in itself may also increase your enjoyment of life as well as confirm a purpose and long term goal you may have.

Additionally, studying in a new country may give you inspiration which you did not find in your home country. In sha’ Allah, you will meet other sisters whom you share common interests, you can get involved in social activities that are enjoyable, and increase your faith by being involved in a mosque.

Becoming more involved in the Islamic community will in sha’ Allah give you more confidence and direction as often there are many classes to take, charity events to help others as well as being a strong foundation for growth in knowledge. The masjid is also a place wherein there are other young mothers to bond with, in sha’ Allah.

In considering all of this, look at your list of aspirations and goals, find out what it is you are truly interested in, and what you may want to pursue as a career. Possibly, you did not really enjoy law but wanted to please your parents. Find your own interests, what inspires you and spread your wings and fly! I have confidence in you sister that once you begin to work on these issues and see the full beauty and potential of you, you will become much happier and have a direction in sha’ Allah. When you yourself have confidence and direction, you can help out your parents more if they are in need. But most importantly, make du’aa’ to Allah that He guides you.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

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