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Ask about Parenting – Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
25 May, 2020

Salaam `Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

If you have any questions, email us at [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous

Thursday, May. 28, 2020 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.

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Q:

I have a severely disabled son who has many medical conditions. Vegetative and spend most of his life in bed & hospital admissions. He spent many times in ICU and many hospitals in 15 years period.

My question is, I have on many occasions complained that Allah is giving me a hard time and that why my son is suffering like this. My frustrations is I think because SHAYTAN is inside my mind and telling me all these. I am a very emotional man, I cry many times seeing my son suffering that much. I sometimes talk to myself saying why my son is punished like this. What has he done to be put to this situation? I know it

is very bad complaining about this because Allah has a reason why he gave me this child. I would like to know….will Allah forgive me for what I said. I mean complaining about my son suffering. Will Allah forgive me as I regret every day. Please answer me ASAP Shukran. Jazakah Allah kheyran

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This certainly a test for you and your family. Naturally, this would cause some level of despair to any parent. This despair can easily to the kind of thoughts you are having and might be expected as part of the process of processing the situation you are in.

I think the fact that you see it as a punishment is part of what is making you feel this way. He is not being punished and neither are you. This is a test. A test that can earn you and him great blessings in the sight of Allah. If you can keep this in mind then it will change your feelings towards the situation to one of hope rather than despair.

Allah tests those He loves most and the bigger the test, the bigger the love, for the bigger the test, the bigger the reward. To have a sick child is possibly one of the biggest tests any parent could face which of you can manage it well will come with the greatest of rewards. As a child, and a sick one at that, he is not accountable for anything so certainly is not being punished for anything so you can find comfort in that and that his reward in the Hereafter for enduring such a large trial in this life will be so great. So, you see the tests he is going through now are a small price to pay for a big reward. It may not feel like something to be happy about when you see him suffering so much, but if you look at the bigger picture and the Mercy of Allah you will come to understand the reasoning behind this situation.

The thoughts and feelings you are having are quite normal for anyone in this situation and it can be easy to be overwhelmed by such thoughts. Like you say, it is possible for shaytan to use this to his advantage in pushing you away from the Deen, but you can also make sure to protect yourself from this.

Turn to Allah in these difficult times and find solace in His remembrance, find comfort in His Mercy and never give up on this. Continue to push shaytan away by continuing to make dua and remembering Allah in all that you do.

Do all that you can especially during this tough time to get especially close to Allah as a means to be in a consistent state of comfort as well as a means to keep shaytan at bay. Repent for any bad feelings you have, but be hopeful in His Mercy for He loves to forgive. This will also serve as a means to soften you heart toward your situation.

May Allah bring you ease in this difficult situation. May Allah ease the suffering of your son. May He reward you continued patience with the matter and guide you to comfort in His remembrance.

Q:

As salamu Alaikum I have a friend who is Muslim and she is in love with a Muslim boy and they want to get married but her parents are opposing it. Can she make nikkah without the parents’ consent?

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

I can’t advise on the fiqhi matters here so I’d first advise you to seek scholarly advice regarding the permissibility of marrying without parental consent.

Regardless of the ruling on this, it is important that they take a good look into their situation and decide whether getting married is what is best for them. If it is indeed OK for them to wed without parental consent, they should be aware of the difficulties it may cause them to do this.

It is possible for a marriage to work with the support of parents, but it makes it so much easier and comfortable in both the short and long run if the parents and wider family support the marriage. If there is no support it could even cause difficulties in the marriage.

Regardless of whether it is permissible or not, it would be wise for them to first try and get their parents on board to avoid any potential conflict. Ideally, the boy should approach the girl’s family and arrange a meeting between the 2 families as a means to get to know one another.

Sometimes this alone can be helpful in getting the parents to agree. After all, who wants to marry their child to someone they barely know? Get the families together a few times to get to know one another and develop relationships that moving forward with a marriage will be easier and more natural. If there is some particular reason why the parents don’t want the marriage to happen then this will be a good time to talk it out, or get rid of any stereotypes that may be held about the other family.

If they are still unable to convince their families then they need to think seriously about whether it is worth going against them. They should look to why it is that their parents aren’t keen? It may be that they are not happy that they have possibly had a relationship before marriage and see the dangers in this and don’t feel they could endorse the marriage as a result. Perhaps there is something about the boy that they don’t like that she can’t see because she has developed such strong feelings for him.

This is something for them both to be aware of if this is the case. If it is that they don’t like the family he comes from then the meetings addressed in the previous paragraph should help to fix this. Alternatively, it may just be that the parents feel they are too young and are not ready for marriage yet, or they are afraid to let them get married and leave the family home. This is something that many parents go through as their children get older.

Essentially, the way forward is to begin by understanding their parents’ reasoning for not supporting their marriage and then use this understanding of their thoughts to work towards getting their support ideally as a good way to start a marriage and union between 2 families.

May Allah guide them to what is best and grant them, spouses, from Jannah who will be the coolness or their eyes in this life and the next.

Q:

My daughter wants to be a youtuber!

My daughter is a 14-year-old. She wants to have a youtube channel as she feels bored in the covied19 lockdown. I’m worried that this channel might have a negative influence on her. Please advise me.

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This is something that is very common in this day and age and is perhaps even more so appealing now with the current situation. As for you as a parent, this raises obvious concerns.

I’d first advise on getting scholarly advice on this matter since it would involve exposing herself publicly and potentially being viewed by men. However, it may be that this depends on what she wants to make videos about and her target audience and if dressed appropriately this may be deemed acceptable amongst the scholars.

Whilst you await clarification on whether this is OK you could begin by supporting her in achieving something similar. If it is that there is a certain topic that she wishes to focus her YouTube channel on, then maybe she could begin by doing less overt activities geared towards the same goal. For example, she could reach out and write articles for magazines, or even start her own blog.

This will also help her to get a feel of its really what she wants to do. This will allow her to keep on in a field that she has a clear passion for but in a way that is more clearly acceptable for now. She may also go on to develop alike and passion for this alternative in the meantime and forget about the thought of having a YouTube channel in favour of this.

You should also check if what she wants her channel to be about is something that is compatible with Islam. If its not you might encourage her gently into a field that is without making her feel bad about herself. If it is that there is something very beneficial that she wants to do then there can be much good and reward that comes with it if done in the correct way.

That said, even if an acceptable topic is covered it is easy to change when faced with the fame that could potentially come from being a YouTuber. This is where it is important as her parent to keep an eye on this to nip it in the bud should this happen. Likewise, if she doesn’t generate the following that she hopes for, this could also have devastating effects too. Having a sting focus on the Deen in the home can help in either case.

In addition, given that her motivation stems from her boredom try to engage her in other activities to keep her busy that she may forget about this desire she has. Do something new together as a family.

Perhaps learn something new via YouTube, or start a course together and study as a team. Do something novel, but fun, that you can work on together, strengthen your relationships and keep her as well as yourself busy in meaningful activities whilst in lockdown until its possible to get out again.

May Allah reward your concern for your daughter and guide you both to what is beta in the eyes of Allah.

Q:

Salaam counselor, I’m a mother of two kids, aged 8 and 10 years old. As we are lockedup at home due to the spread of cornonaviruse, my kids became addicted to playing online games and watching YouTube videos or TV. I started to notice that this is increasingly affecting their interaction with me and their father. Please advise what shall I do to prevent this addiction?

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Due to the current situation we have become a lot more reliant on technology as a means of essential communication as well as entertainment. Given that we have been on lockdown for such a long time finding ways to entertain oneself in the home becomes very challenging, especially for children.

In your situation, as I’m sure is the case in many other households too, your children have become seemingly addicted to online games and videos.. Etc.. It might feel difficult to get them out of this, and certainly to just try and take it away from them would be, but there are a few ways that you can go about trying to break them away from this habit.

Certainly, there is room for entertainment and they don’t need to be discouraged from it altogether, but they do need to reduce their time on it since it seems they have developed unhealthy habits in that you are having a hard time interacting with them which is not a good thing and the sooner you try and break this habit the easier and successful your efforts will be.

To make the process easier you should make the process a gradual one rather than a sudden one. If you reduce the time in these activities suddenly without replacing it with something else it could lead to conflict and difficulties between you as well as making it difficult for them to adjust. Also, making them a part of the process will make them more likely to adhere to the rules as they have been part of the decision-making process themselves.

You can begin by reducing their time on their games by replacing it with another activity that they will enjoy. Let them decide on something else that they like doing and facilitate that. For example, let them pick a new book or game that they can play that will keep them occupied in a non screen based activity.

There are lots of Islamic books and games suitable for their age that would be an ideal way to engage them in such a way that is educational too. Instead of just picking something, buying it and pushing it upon them you can visit an online store together and let them be part of the process in selecting which book or game they would like.

Each day you can have allocated family time. Decide as a family when that will be so again they can be a part of the process. This way there is a boun2in place for the entire family that no one, including the adults should be doing anything other than engaging with each other. Of course it is important that you make sure that you have a plan of something engaging to do during this time so it becomes a productive and fun time.

For example, it may be that you do something in the home together like cooking or go for a walk, or this could be a good time to read together from the new books they have picked or play one of their new games together. Alternatively, doing something creative. Children of this age generally love arts and crafts. Work together to design and make something. This will also give them a sense of achievement when the project is complete.

This approach will allow for a reduction in screen time by replacing it with something that keeps them busy with an alternative activity. This should make the task easier because they are not loosing out in anything by reducing screen time.

In fact, in sha Allah, they’ll have so much fun in these new and novel activities that perhaps they will want to spend more time in this than in front of screens. These types of activities will also facilitate family bonding which was an issue you noted to be of concern.

When they are a part of the decision-making process in deciding, along with yourselves, what tasks they will do and when then they will be far more likely to adhere because they have been a part of this process and had their say in what they prefer. It will also help with strengthening relations in the family is it will make them feel respected too.

May Allah reward your concern to set your children on the straight path. May He help you to raise children that are Allah fearing pious members of the community that will enjoin the good and will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Q:

As-slamau alaikum, I need your advice. This Ramadan I managed to teach my kids ( 6-9-11) to read Quran and pray every day. And they were committed Alhamdulilaah. My question is how to keep them on track after Ramadan. I need some tips.  

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Masha Allah, that’s great! May Allah reward your efforts. Ramadan is a wonderful time to start such habits and is a relatively easy time to do so since the house becomes increasingly full of spirituality during this time. However, it is not unusual for any positive habits developed during this time to be lost once the month passes so you are doing a positive thing to reach out for ideas on how to ensure this doesn’t happen so your children can continue to benefit year round rather than temporarily. There are numerous ways you can do this.

Make sure to keep Quran reading as part of the daily routine. You can do this by having a set time in the day that they read so it becomes a habit. For example, perhaps it becomes something they routinely do for a set time after Zuhr prayer, or whichever time is most convenient for you all. Having this designated time spot means that you can plan your day such that no other activities are done during this time and they come to automatically known that at this time each day they should take their Qur’ans and read.

Depending on their individual levels you can set individual goals for them. Do this with them each individually so that you can agree on something mutually that is within their ability and manageable. These goals shouldn’t be too taxing otherwise they will lose interest, but to have a goal that is manageable will keep them motivated as well as allowing them to experience the joy of reaching new milestones. This may be memorising a certain amount of ayats in week, or reading a certain amount of pages in a day.

You can keep a visual record of the same so they can visually see their progress. Keep this chart somewhere that they can see so they can feel proud of their progress. Give them plenty of positive praise and reward them as they reach certain milestones such as memorising a new surah, or having read a certain amount of pages. Again, this will keep them continually motivated as well as associatibg positive feelings with reading the Quran

In ordinary circumstances it might be suggested that they join a madrassa to learn amoungst other children, but at present this may not be an option, although certainly something to look to in the future. However, for now you might look around to see if there are any online Qur’an groups that they could join. You might even set one up yourself with other parents for the children to get together in an online space and read together every now and again. This might be another fun way to engage them in their reading whilst mixing with others in the only way possible at present for now.

May Allah reward your efforts to facilitate your children in getting closer to their Deen. MaynHe make them upstanding pillars of the community that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Q:

I have a 7-year-old kid and I have really serious issues that are going around me. My husband has given me divorce 7 years back and he was not accepting it. He and his family members are treating me badly; he beat me every day, and when I told my parents they simply said we can’t do anything because if you come here then more big problems we will face.

It’s an arranged marriage and this relation is only due to property and money (political marriage) so my mother in law and my husband tried many times to kill me, and it’s normal for them to put some liquid on a napkin and through that they unconscious the other person easily.

A few days back my 7-year-old son did exact same thing with me but only Allah is there who’s protecting me. So kindly guide me on what can I do in this situation and how can I save my child from them and I fear that he may harm himself or may harm anybody else. Please guide me.

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You are in a very dangerous situation right now with the lives of both yourself and son and risk so I can only advise that you seek assistance immediately for this.

Depending on where you live there are likely various organizations that you could reach out to for practical assistance in moving forward. Search for such organizations locally, or else, go to your local police station and they will be able to guide whilst protecting you at the same time and possibly take legal action if you want against those who are harming you.

If you are uncomfortable taking this option, you might reach out to some trusted friends or even the local masjid for support and somewhere to go to feel safe whilst you make plans on what to do next. Right now, you and your son also will likely be feeling extremely anxious and this can impact your decision-making skills.

To stay somewhere safe as an intermediary before taking further action will provide a good space for you to feel safe, relax a bit and make the most rational decision about what to do next, whether it to be to seek shelter with a formal organization, take legal action, or find somewhere else to go.

That’s what you can do in terms of getting practical support, but you should also ensure that you get the emotional support that you need at this time. You have been through a difficult time and whilst trying to escape from this the emotional burden will only be heightened.

To lessen the impact of this on you and your son you should make sure to have support from others. Don’t be afraid to reach out to trusted friends for this type of support as it will make the process a lot easier for you moving forward. When you are in a more stable frame of mind this will have a more positive impact on your son and lessen the burden for him too.

When the main issue is your safety it can be easy to only think of practical solutions in breaking free, but you must also take care of your psychological health too. Even when the physical situation is over and you are safe, you will still be carrying the emotional consequences so to have the necessary support in place from the early stages you will be able to recover more effectively.

You could get this support from trusted friends, or you may even search online for support groups online if you are looking for a bit of anonymity. You will be able to chat with others in similar situations who caught be able to advise based on their own experience on how best to move forward and people and places you can turn to.

In the meantime, whilst all this is going on, always remain close to Allah that you will find some level of comfort from the only one that can provide the same.

May Allah make things easy for you during this difficult time. May He keep you and your son safe and may you find comfort in His remembrance.