I hope you are doing well. I am an international student in the USA. I have just found your website today during a random search and can't resist myself from seeking help from you. What a great platform! Alhamdulillah.
I have been desiring for children since 2018 as I will be 30 this year. However, my husband doesn't want a kid though we are married for more than five years.
He gets furious whenever I talk about this issue with him and doesn't talk to me for several hours. Previously, I kept quiet to maintain peace in life but now I can't as time passes.
He is a final year PhD student and 34 years old. He came from a very pious family but he doesn't always pray.
He is a little weird-not a social person, doesn't attend gatherings, doesn't talk to many people, and stays busy in his lab. In his leisure time, he reads articles on socio-political issues and watches documentaries as he is very enthusiastic to know about the world and science.
One reason he is afraid to have a child is because of taking responsibility. As he had to take his family's responsibility at an early age after his father died.
Additionally, he thinks a child will hamper his research or other activities. He tries to convince me not to have a baby saying it will be bad for my career and I won't be able to enjoy my life.
But I badly want a baby as I think a career is not everything for me. Also, I don't know whether Allah will give me a child or not but I want to try. I don't know what to do.
I love him and don't want to be separated from him. But his words about not having a baby make me very sad and helpless. I have given him a time frame to decide.
The condition is that I will leave him if he doesn't change his mind by that time. But I don't think he will come with a positive decision.
In this circumstance, I need your suggestion so that I can make the best decision. Looking forward to your reply. Thank you so much. Happy Ramadan
Answer
In this counseling answer:
This is a natural desire sister (for most women). And you have every right to be given the opportunity to become a mom.
You may have to choose between staying married to your husband and not having children or divorcing him and seeking to be married to have a child.
No doubt a child is your right.
Speak with him about the benefits of having a balance not only in life, but in your marriage and family life as well.
Ramadan Mubarak,
Jazak’Allah khair sister for writing to us concerning your issues as well as we are very happy that you are enjoying our website. May Allah continue to bless us with this opportunity to provide the service.
Desiring a Child
As I understand your situation, you have been married for about five years. You are now 30 and deeply desire to have a child. This is a natural desire sister (for most women). You have every right to have the opportunity to be a mom.
When married, it is usually understood that children will be conceived. Most couples desire a family with children.
There are instances that for whatever reason a couple may decide together that they do not want children. This is usually discussed before marriage so there are not any misunderstandings later.
Husband does not want a Child
Your husband on the other hand does not want children. You describe your husband as one who is very studious, quiet, not the social kind of person, and one who may not welcome responsibility.
And stated that your husband’s feelings may stem from his earlier childhood where he had to take on a lot of family responsibilities at a young age due to the passing of his father.
Also you mention that most of your husband’s time and interests are tied up in his work in the lab and with socio-political issues and documentaries.
Possible Choices and Outcomes
Sister I am not sure if you and your husband had discussed children prior to your marriage. I am wondering if you were aware he did not want children or perhaps he initially stated he was and then changed his mind.
At any rate this must be a very emotional and hurtful situation for you as you may possibly have to make a difficult choice. You may have to choose between staying married to your husband and not having children or divorcing him and seeking to be married to have a child.
It may or may not be hard getting married right away. However if you stay with your husband and agree to remain childless, you may regret it deeply. You may always wonder “what if..”. It may even cause resentment towards your husband.
If your husband agrees, yet really does not want a child he too may become resentful, more involved in his work and you may feel a strain on your marriage. The child may also feel the rejection from your husband. On the other hand, you could have a child and your husband finds that he is so happy to be a father.
Check out this counseling video:
Rights
No doubt a child is your right. Sister I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you talk with your husband when things are calm. Speak with him about the benefits of having a balance not only in life, but in your marriage and family life as well.
This balance includes work, family time, Islamic studies, prayer, as well as fun socializing times. If there is a balance in life things tend to run more smoothly.
When one’s energies are tied up in one or two things only, it can lead to deficits in attentions towards other things such as your marriage or neglect of prayer or gaining Islamic knowledge. After this happens, it can result in a loss of closeness to Allah and to each other. If this closeness is lost, it can be easy to lose perspective of your rights in a marriage as a Muslim.
Speaking with Husband
Sister, I kindly suggest you try to find out the real reason why he does not want children. It may turn out to be different than you think. As you stated the reasons you think that he may not want children, you may want to discuss specific points with him offering a different perspective.
Insha’Allah find a comfortable space mentally and emotionally to open up this very important dialogue. It could be that he has anxiety or fears. It could be that he has dedicated so much of his life to work and study that he has found a comfortable niche which he does not want to leave.
However, insha’Allah he will understand that he is married and has an established marriage that requires sacrifices and attention. With marriage also comes responsibilities.
Insha’Allah he will be open to discuss this in a spiritual context as Islam does provide for the right to children if so desired.
Not an Easy Path
Sister this is not going to be an easy decision for you. I would encourage you to try to work it out with your husband to the best of your ability.
It is good that you set a timeline regarding his response. However, insha’Allah you shall wish to offer him some options such as marital counseling, marriage classes at the Islamic Center or Masjid. Possible individual counseling, or even discussing the situation with your Imam.
As stated, it was good that you did give him a timeline however he may need interventions such as outlined above to help him through the thought process.
He may already have many blocks up regarding having children. And without working through these blocks and removing them; he will be too emotionally panicked. To be able to make a good decision regarding children.
Husband has Withdrawn
Sister it appears that your husband has become very withdrawn. I am not sure how much time you spend together or what the quality of that time is; or if he has other social activities that he does with friends or with you, but it seems that he is continually engaged in academia or his lab work.
I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you both do get marriage counseling to address this issue. Also, perhaps individual counseling for him if he is willing to examine his fears and reservations about having children.
There may be other things he may be going through that you do not know of. This could include stress from his studies or job, fear of future finances and supporting a family, as well as health problems. There may be even a possibility that he is unable to have children or fears he is unable.
Conclusion
Sister, you love your husband very much. You also would love to have a child and that is natural. As you are married there should be no reason why you cannot have a child or children.
Insha’Allah please do speak with your husband, offer options for resolving this together, encourage marriage counseling, building a closer relationship with each other and Allah, as well as encourage him to strive for more balance in his life.
Make duaa to Allah to help you with this situation and to touch your husbands’ heart and soften it. May Allah guide and bless you dear sister. We wish you the best.
salam,
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Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/n-america/tips-on-how-to-survive-marriage-during-quarantine/2/
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/husbands-wives/abusive-spouse-test/