Answer
In this counseling answer:
You will need to have a definitive conversation with her and clarify your needs and expectations in this relationship. If you want to move on with this relationship, her behavior must change, and you both have to treat each other with respect. Regarding intimacy, you have to find out if she has a deep reason to refuse it, a health condition or other psychological limitation. If she refuses to change or seek help, I think divorce may be a serious consideration.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Brother,
You addressed two issues in your marriage: disrespect and intimacy. These are two very important aspects of a marriage which success is directly connected to them. I would say respect is even more valuable than love because if a relationship is full of nagging, offense, criticism or lack of respect and admiration, love won’t last.
Based on your narrative, you do have an abusive wife. Some signs of emotional abuse are the volatility, anger, threats, aggression, blame, and personal attacks by the abuser. Although I don’t know what is happening or happened in her life that contributes to why she responded this way, the behavior is still emotionally abusive.
Abusive and ungrateful wives will suffer in the hereafter as Prophet Mohammad (saw) warned. He was shown Hellfire and saw that the majority of its inhabitants were women as we can read below from Sahih Al-Bukhari.
Narrated by Ibn Abbas: The Prophet (saws) said:
“I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.” It was asked, “Do they disbelieve in Allah?” (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He (saws) replied, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, ‘I have never received any good from you!”
This hadith does not mean to threaten women; instead, its wisdom is to warn women how detestable is their act of constantly complaining and being ungrateful to their husbands in the sight of Allah (swt), and how this constant complaining and nagging effects the very core of the relationship between a husband and wife in marriage. I believe the same can be true for a husband as well!
You made your decision to marry this woman based on her being “a muhajjabah” (veiled woman), which probably made you believe she was the most religious between the three of them, following the hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” (Bukhari)
Her appearance might show a good Muslim woman when, in fact, her character is doubtful. You and she seem to have trouble with compatibility. We cannot live a true path of spirituality if our attempt to follow Islam lacks sincerity, wisdom, and deep reflection on our context and ourselves.
Moving on, the second issue, lack of intimacy, you are facing is equally important. Again, I don’t know the deeper reasons why she is still not ready after a year of marriage. I am assuming you have approached her with respect and kindness, and intimacy should have developed at this point. Remember to conduct affectionate foreplay before hand and meet her sexual needs as well. Some men do see women simply as a way to pleasure themselves without pleasing the woman which is not in accordance with the divine guidance.
What concerns me is that she believes that “male are like robots who have no feelings.” This idea has probably driven her refusal to have intimacy and allowed her to bully you. This makes me wonder if she might have a past trauma related to men.
You will need to have a definitive conversation with her and clarify your needs and expectations in this relationship. The roles of husband and wife should be set, such as obligations and rights. Make sure she knows that she is the one failing in her wife duties, which gives you the right to seek a divorce. Furthermore, the abusive behavior must stop, otherwise, you and she will share a miserable life together. Her words do not only hurt you superficially, but it will build up resentment and grief overtime which will end the marriage.
If you want to move on with this relationship, her behavior must change, and you both have to treat each other with respect. Regarding intimacy, you have to find out if she has a deep reason to refuse it, a health condition or other psychological limitation. Look for professional help if it is the case. If she refuses to change or seek help, I think divorce may be a serious consideration. Ask guidance from Allah (swt), pray with sincerity, and trust the best will happen, by the will of Allah (swt).
Salam,
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