I've been married for 20 years this year and alhamdulillah all was going well. I noticed I had a higher sex drive than my wife and she satisfied my urges where I too would satisfy her.
After 3 or 4 years, I noticed that my wife started to push me away from her. If I touched her, she'd moan and then push my hand away. If I suggested to make a move towards her, she'd show no interest but other than this, we were fine.
Over the course of a year, it got so bad that I practically came to begging my wife for some physical activity but she'd moan and refuse to do that too. Along with this, my wife stopped putting in the effort in her physical appearance towards me.
In the beginning, I bought her lingerie which she would wear herself whenever we'd get passionate and make herself beautiful for me to look at and to me, that was a huge satisfying turn on and she knew it.
I complimented her on numerous occasions. Fast forward 17 years of me still begging and with this continuing, sometimes my wife would herself make the effort but very occasionally.
If I still touched her she'd push me away which in all honesty started to hurt me, made me have these weird thoughts in my head as to why she would do this.
She binned the lingerie even though she knew I liked her to wear it.
She stopped indulging in foreplay and basically would just lie back expecting me to do everything and at the end, she'd just get up and walk away to wash.
I don't know what's gone wrong and we've talked about this which ends up in an argument.
I help my wife clean the house, look after the kids, shopping etc. and now, it's got to the stage where I can’t bear this anymore.
I need to know where this is heading towards. It's been a month since I last touched her and she pushed me away again.
Can I say to my wife that I now want to put a complete stop to our physical relationship so that I don't need to beg her for this which leaves me frustrated, angry and hurt and so that she too can relax?
I believe sex being an important part in a marriage, but if my wife has pushed me away for all this time and not willing to change, what do I do now...
I've talked with her, discussed matters where she denies her behavior and says it's in my imagination... please help me so that I can put an end to this torture I'm going through.
My wife has never looked at my feelings and at times makes me feel like some little perverted man... I love my wife dearly and it kills me when she pushes me away.
I can't even explain what I've been made to feel. So rather than me feel disappointed or hurt, I'd prefer to END our physical relationship.
Any suggestions apart from talking to her which I've tried for more than a decade.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Have a written dialogue between you. Both of you can share in the process of disclosing feelings on each particular word or topic.
Gently ask her to see a doctor to determine if there is something going on physically or mentally such as depression, low self-esteem, or fear of conceiving another child right now.
Encourage her to participate in marital counseling with you.
Please do not give up on the intimate part of your life with your wife . Intimacy is a very important and valued aspect of marriage.
As salamu alaykum brother,
Shokran to write to us with your concerns regarding intimacy in your marriage. As I understand your question, you were married for 20 years and up until a few years ago everything was going well.
You did notice that you had a higher sex drive than your wife a few years after you marriage. However, you both were able to work out your different levels of desires to both of your satisfaction.
Loss of Intimacy
You stated that after three or four years into your marriage, you notice that your wife was becoming less responsive in regards to intimacy. You felt that she was pushing you away and did not really want you to touch her.
You noticed that if you made a move towards her in regards to affection or intimacy she showed no interest. You bought her lingerie, but after a while she threw it out even though she knew you liked it.
You also indicated that she stopped maintaining her appearance. In spite of this you state that you and your wife get along fine.
Possible Reasons for Loss of Desire
Brother there could be many reasons why your wife is feeling this way. Perhaps there may be many reasons, none however which have to do with you personally.
I do not know her age but perhaps she is starting to go through perimenopause which could make her tired. Perhaps she does not feel attractive. Perhaps she feels depressed and therefore has a loss of interest in intimacy.
Maybe she is just exhausted from her day especially if she has many tasks to do as well as taking care of the children.
You indicated you do help with many of the household chores but perhaps she is still too tired, may Allah bless you for your efforts brother. Perhaps your wife is fearful of getting pregnant right now.
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Getting to the Heart of the Matter
Brother there are many reasons why your wife could be feeling this way and the best way to find out is to have a discussion with her.
I kindly suggest insha’Allah that when things are calm, perhaps over dinner or during a nice walk in nature, you could discuss this with her in terms of reviving your relationship in order to inspire bonding closer.
You may even want to schedule date nights wherein you both get dressed up to go out on a nice date to enjoy each other’s company, reconnect, and feel the joy of getting “reacquainted” again.
Perhaps start out by telling her how much you love her and how attractive you find her may help open a conversation.
You may inquire about how she has been feeling about the marriage, herself, and you in general. You may wish to expound upon this as you will need to express your feelings to her as well.
You may wish to tell her that do you find her attractive but you feel hurt because she does not want to be intimate with you. By telling her how you feel emotionally, it may encourage her to express how she feels emotionally.
It could be that she truly is too tired, or it could be she’s not feeling well, she may not feel attractive or many other reasons.
The only way you will find out brother is if you sit down lovingly and have a heart-to-heart discussion with her about this.
I understand you tried talking to her about this however you may wish to try a different approach. Perhaps a different approach may work.
As you have not gotten anywhere by discussing it, maybe if you approached her with the idea of writing down key words such as hug, touch, kissing, love, and so forth.
Then each one of you takes turns writing down a description of that word and how it makes you feel, that may lead to an insightful conversation about the issue.
Addressing Changes
As you previously stated, you and your wife were able to work out your differences regarding levels of desire in the past. An important aspect of resolving this is to find out what has changed.
Again, a gentle loving inquiry into how she is feeling expressing genuine interest may elicit honest responses from her.
Sometimes when we are discussing these issues hurts can arise and seem like anger or accusations which then may cause the other person to shut down or be in denial.
By taking a calm, proactive approach by lovingly discussing both of your feelings, she may open up regarding her further decline of desire. Perhaps, brother she may not even know why.
Again, if it is that she is going through perimenopause, or if she feels depressed or unattractive, these are things that can be addressed as well as other issues which may be causing her to feel that she does not want intimacy.
If she is willing, I would kindly suggest that she does get a physical exam from her doctor and explain to her doctor her loss of desire.
It is always good to rule out any medical or mental health issues that may cause loss of desire. If together you can identify a reason, together you can come up with a solution.
Don’t Give Up
Brother I would kindly suggest that you do not give up.
I know it is frustrating and it hurts you because of course you take it personally, however it is probably due to an issue within your wife that has developed more fully as the years have gone by.
If there are no underlying reasons as to why she no longer desires intimate relationships after she has been cleared by a doctor and or a mental health counselor, you may wish to seek marriage counseling.
By seeking marriage counseling you are illustrating that you love her and want to save the marriage as well as have a fulfilling marriage.
Marriage counselors are skilled at guiding couples towards resolving issues such as intimacy. This may be a great benefit for both you and your wife.
Your Hurt and Needs
Brother I can understand that hurts very badly when she pushes you away because you love her. You should not have to beg your wife for sex.
Insha’Allah, you will be able to understand that she loves you very much and this has nothing to do with you personally.
As a husband and also a human being you have physical needs. I’m sure your wife does as well, however at this point there is something that is interfering with her needs.
She does need you and she does love you, but she’s going through something which is causing her to shut down regarding intimacy.
Perhaps for now, you may withdraw your requests for affection and intimacy to see how she responds, and if she does indeed notice your lack of approach.
This may inspire her to think about the situation and it will give you a break from asking over and over and getting hurt.
This is a short break however and not meant to be long term! Perhaps she will even begin to approach you.
Conclusion
Brother please do speak with your wife again, only this time try to initiate a conversation in a way that you are spending time thinking about Intimacy in terms of emotions, feelings, and closeness.
By having a written dialogue between you, both can share in the process of disclosing feelings on each particular word or topic. This kind of problem solving can offer great insight and hopefully resolution.
If this does not bring any relief to the situation you may kindly and gently ask her to get a physical to determine if there is something going on physically or mentally such as depression, low self-esteem, or fear of conceiving another child right now.
Also encourage her to participate in marital counseling with you in order to strengthen your marriage and bring you both closer.
I am sure that your wife loves you very much brother. Please do not give up on the intimate part of your life with your wife. Intimacy is a very important and valued aspect of marriage.
I understand your frustration however there are still many options to explore to bring you both closer to each other and to a resolution to the problem.
May Allah reward you for your patience and perseverance regarding this issue. We wish you the best.
salam,
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Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/dont-want-sex/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/husband-wife-not-interested-sex/