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Ask about Parenting -Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
07 March, 2020

 

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

The answer will be online very soon

Feel free to send your questions to:

[email protected]

Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2020 | 16:00 - 18:00 GMT

Session is over.

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Q:

My 22-month son got really scared last night it was like he could see something that I could not.

I’m a mum of 4 after 3 beautiful daughters (alhumdulliah) Allah blessed me with a beautiful son.

When he was about 6 months old he was whispered to himself and nodding his head slightly and I or my husband ask him, “Musa what are you doing” and he just laughs or says nothing.

He stopped doing that for about 5 months until know after being scared last night he did that again whilst sat in his high chair during lunch.

I recite the duas and surahs but I wanted to ask someone for some advice.

A:

Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

That must have been a very scary experience for you especially since he is too young to communicate on an advanced level yet.

Perhaps he is seeing something that you cannot, or perhaps there is another explanation but as there is no way you can confirm for sure the best you can do is to keep yourself and your family protected by turning to Allah and putting your trust in Him.

Once you can be sure that you have done all you can to protect yourselves then you can feel more contented that whatever is happening with your son is something that Allah will take care of and not see anyone get harmed.

To achieve this make sure you are all reading your adhkar morning and night. Do this with your son’s present.

Let him hear the words being said himself and he too will soon pick up the words and be joining in with you in no time.

Likewise with your daily prayers and things like Quran recitation. Also make sure to say the duas that you would normally say before performing anything, even if it is as simple as just saying ‘bismillah’.

These are all things that your son will pick up and begin to emulate. Also, encourage your other children to do the same too so that he sees these things done often and is more likely to pick up on them as a matter of routine too.

Not only will these actions help to keep in protected as you seek to protect your entire family, but it will bring your family together in Islam strengthening your bonds and connections to Allah.

It will also start your son off with this knowledge and actions so that they become something that comes naturally.

Aside from what he may or may not be going through, it is always good to start these things early with children to instill the sense of faith from a young age and implement these practices from a young age so that it doesn’t become difficult or strange to implement we he must do these things as he becomes an older child.

Make dua to Allah about your concerns too. Turn to Him in search of assistance for your son and protection for your family.

This will strengthen your connection with Allah too and bring you comfort to know that Allah knows best and will protect your family. This will help to ease your anxieties generally too.

Do continue to keep an eye on your son, but try not to make assumptions about what he may be seeing as this may lead you to panic more.

Keep in mind that it is very common for children to behave like this anyway regardless of what they are really seeing. At this age, their development is so rapid as their senses and abilities expand.

As this is happening, his imagination is also becoming more complex which could be a potential explanation for his seemingly unusual behavior.

Over the coming months, his vocabulary will continue to expand and he will be more competent at expressing himself.

If he is still behaving like this then you will be better placed to get an answer from him about what he is responding to, or if he is indeed just engaging in some kind of imaginary play.

May Allah ease your worries and protect your family from any harm.

Q:

As-salamu alaikum, I’m 18 years old girl from Bangladesh. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend. It’s been 1 and a half years till we are in a relationship. I never had any negative response from him; he loves me so much as well as I do.

But recently I am suffering from such fear that I lose him if we won’t get married. As being Muslims, we believe in the power of Almighty Allah SWT.

I am always afraid of losing him. I always make dua and perform Salah, I pray to Allah to unite us. But I am not sure what will happen because I don’t want to lose him.

 I have informed my mother about our relationship and, she assured me if he is established well in life, definitely we will be married.

He also informed his mother and she also ensured him. I want to know is it any positive sign from Allah SWT?

We’ve faced many adverse situations but still, we are together. But recently this fear is knocking me down. I can’t even concentrate on my studies.

I am suffering from insecurity. Is it any mental health disorder?

A:

Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I understand that you have very strong feelings for this guy as you have been together for some time. However, it is very important that you understand the implications of your present actions both now, in the future and in the Hereafter.

 Islamically, having a relationship outside of marriage is not acceptable and is sinful so I would strongly urge you to back away for now, at least until you can be in a relationship that is acceptable in the eyes of Allah.

You can see yourself the effect that it is having on your mental health. This is not surprising because at this point whilst you are not married either of you are committed to one another, so you could walk away with no problem.

If he changes his mind and doesn’t want to marry you in the future any more then he is doing nothing wrong because he is not tied to you or responsible to you as a spouse. Of course, this would be even more heartbreaking should this happen.

This is part of the reason why it would be better for you to distance yourself for now until you can make a formal commitment to one another and be confident that you have each other in marriage and can’t just simply walk away as you can now.

 I know this might sound like a difficult thing to do right now since you have built such feelings towards him, but you are presently in a situation that could cause even more anxiety than you are feeling now.

You are of an age now where you could get married and if you have the consent of both your parents and his and you want to solidify this relationship you might consider taking it to them seriously in pursuing marriage to him as soon as possible to ease your anxieties.

You know them best so will know how they will respond to this request and will know how best to prepare for their likely response.

If they are all agreeable then alhamdulillah there will be no immediate obstacles and it is always best if the family are in agreement about a marriage as it will not cause any difficulties moving forward and will provide you with the necessary support you will need getting marriage at a reasonably young age.

However, if it is that they have some kind of objection, perhaps saying that you are too young or the like then it’s important that you let them know the Islamic reasoning behind your request as a means to protect you from sin.

They should know that to continue to facilitate a relationship with this guy out of wedlock is facilitating you in committing a sin and this is really the primary reason for seeking marriage. If you can secure this marriage then this will lessen yo anxieties in the matter.

In the meantime Distance yourself from him for now in order to concentrate on your studies. This might feel very difficult right now but the solution comes in taking the matter to Allah as a means to find comfort in the fact that He knows best.

If this guy is meant for you He will facilitate the marriage moving forward and not place any barriers in the way. If it is not to be and things become difficult to know that Allah has better plans for you.

It may not feel like it at first and may cause some further mental disturbances but if you find ways to bring yourself closer to Allah through prayer and duas it will become a lot easier for you to accept.

Whatever the outcome, learn from this experience by adhering to Islamic guidance to protect you from entering situations that can cause such anxiety that can impact on all areas of life.

 Turn to Allah to ease your anxieties generally, beyond ‘this matter even.

May Allah ease your anxieties and grant your success in your studies. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Q:

As-salamu Alaikum, I have a 6-year-old girl. I found her kissing a neighbor boy. She does like the Disney Princess movies, but she doesn’t view any adult content at all.

I’m worried but still, I don’t want to over-react. I have been told that this is due to TV and needs to be nipped in the bud, can you please guide me what should I do?

A:

Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

It must have been quite a shock to see your 6-year-old daughter doing this. At the age of 6, there was probably nothing in it, but the advice you received already was very good advice.

Sure, Disney princess movies do seem very innocent on the surface, but it’s not uncommon to see acts that would not be acceptable in Islam such as having relationships and physical contact such as kissing outside of marriage.

The advice to nip it in the bud is good advice too in that the earlier you try to protect your child from being exposed to such materials the better.

It is a lot more difficult to break free from this later on in childhood and into adolescence setting the tone of what is acceptable and not at this age instills values from a young age that makes it less likely that they fall into difficulties later on as they now have to challenge what they thought was acceptable.

Anything that your daughter is exposed to at this young age will give her the feeling of what is normal and acceptable and she will come to live by these values.

This is why it is very important to monitor what our young children are exposed to. Alhamdulillah, it seems that you understand this already as you do not expose her to adult content.

 It’s understandable why you, as with many other parents, don’t feel any harm could be done by allowing them to watch Disney movies instead.

Perhaps they won’t pick up on the subtle things that are not compatible with Islam and never act upon them, but the fact that such content is sometimes so discrete that even we as parents don’t notice so it easily gets missed.

Alhamdulillah, you have now become aware of some potential dangers in what you are allowing your daughter to be exposed to so you can see it as a blessing as an opening to make changes for the best upbringing of your daughter.

Perhaps her actions were a result of the types of things she watches on TV, or maybe it was something else, but it has drawn attention to this as a potential issue that can easily be fixed.

Of course, it’s difficult in today’s age to say that children shouldn’t be exposed to media at all when it is everywhere and is unavoidable at times.

To ban her from watching such things could only spark a curiosity that could cause her to rebel in the future. Instead, you can tackle it in a much more appropriate way.

Rather than removing such things from her entirely, replace them with better. Look into other movies that don’t touch on things such as relationships and kissing.

There are plenty available so this shouldn’t be too difficult. You can also look into engaging her in other activities that don’t even involve being in front of a screen and keep access to screen time to an acceptable limit agreeable to both of you so that she has her needs met as do you.

If she has any interest in hands-on type activities then facilitate it for her. For example, if she likes arts and crafts then buy here the appropriate equipment and join in and make things with her.

As well as this, you might have a little talk with her about what you caught her doing. She probably didn’t see any harm in it or that it was a big deal so it is important to let her know that it’s not ok to do this.

It’s certainly not necessary to scold her or make her feel bad for what happened, but she does need to know that she shouldn’t be doing this.

Be very casual in the way you talk to her, do it at a time when things are quiet and she’s not distracted by other things so that she will understand that what you are saying is serious and she does need to pay attention.

Explain it in very simple terms that you know she will understand and won’t get upset about.

May Allah reward your concern to raise your daughter in the best way. May He guide you both and may He guide your daughter to grow up and become a righteous young lady who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Q:

What kind of Islamic education should a 4-year-old have? What kind of Islamic lessons should I teach my 4-year-old concerning Allah and His creation? I would really appreciate your answer.

A:

As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This is a very valuable question to be asking as I am sure you are aware that young children learn very well and very quickly compared to us as adults. So to be teaching him this early on in his life is a good thing to do, not only for him but also for you as he is an amana to you from Allah.

At this tender young age whilst it is important to be teaching him lessons about Islam, it also important to make sure what you teach him is age-appropriate and suitable to his ability.

 As parents, we are eager for our children to learn all about Islam so that they can begin to implement it into their lives from the beginning. So that they are practicing Islam as a matter of their daily routine without hesitation or questions whilst their brains are able to absorb all this new information.

 However, if not taught in the correct manner it can actually have the opposite effect which is why you need to really think about how you teach him. Alhamdulillah, this is why you are reaching out for further advice on how to do so.

There are quite a few things you can do tailor what you teach and the way you teach to be appropriate to his level, age and abilities.

Most children of this age respond well to stories so there is much you can teach him that fits nicely into this style.

For example, there are many stories of the prophets in the Quran, and we can also draw upon many stories from the life of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) too so there are many opportunities to engage your son in storytelling.

You can use these stories as opportunities to teach about Allah and His various qualities too. Since stories are things that children can relate to.

Then he will be able to make this connection not only to the prophets and life of the Prophet Muhammad (Saw), but the lessons that can be learned from them too.

Such as moral values which will be important for your son’s social and moral development and teaching him right from wrong in a way that is in accordance with Islamic values yet learned in such a way that is easier for him to connect with than simply telling him that certain things are right or wrong.

Another benefit of this approach is that he gets to see how such things work in the real world without having to be told that this is the way to behave.

 He will be able to figure this out for himself and therefore will be more like to adhere to these principles himself as he realized for himself without being told.

Another way to support your son’s learning is to do so in a more practical way. Children of this age love being hands-on so, as well as just telling the stories, relate something of hands-on activity to it.

So, for example, if you are studying the Hijra, you might encourage him to draw the map himself, or even make models of the mountains that they climbed or passed in their journey.

This also enforces learning in other ways too. He will associate positive memories with learning these things which will make him eager to continue learning because it is fun.

It also reinforces what is learned by storing it in a different type of sensory memory to listening to the story or even watching it.

There are other more practical things to consider such as knot overwhelming him with too much information at once, don’t rush things and focus on things one at a time in a structured manner.

Let him be involved in choosing what he wants to learn for the week rather than telling him.

 Again, this is something that will make him more likely to engage. Perhaps you might give him a list of things that you’d like to teach him over the month and let him pick which order he learns it.

This way it becomes a collaborative effort between you and makes him feel a part of the decision making and his own learning encouraging him to take an element of responsibility.

The first things you teach should be kept at the most simple level and as he grows older or you notice his abilities grow you can add more detail to match his growing level.

Another thing you can do to support yourself too is to seek sources yourself. There are plenty of age-appropriate resources and books and even blogs available online that support parents like yourself in teaching an Islamic curriculum to children of all ages.

You can consult these kinds of resources to support your teaching and his learning too. Things like workbooks and downloadable activity sheets can be a very valuable resource for teaching at home.

To complement your teaching at home you could also look into if there are any madrasahs close to you that he could attend so that he also has the opportunity to interact with other Muslim boys his age in a learning environment.

May Allah reward your concern for raising your son according to Islam and may He make the journey he takes a successful one that he will grow to be a pious and righteous young man who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.