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Dealing with Rebellious Teens – Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
19 January, 2020

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

The answer will be online very soon

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

Thursday, Jan. 23, 2020 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

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Q:

This is my second marriage. I got two daughters from previous marriage. Age 21 and 8. They live with me in my husband’s house. My husband does business in Qatar.

He promised he will take me and my 8-year-old daughter to Qatar for residency. But now says the law in that country does not allow stepchildren to get a visa under his name. Now I’m in my country alone. All my relatives and friends got angry bcos I remarried. 

I explained this to a husband but he does not seem interested in my problem. What am I to do now? I’m getting depressed by staying this way. Please help me by getting a solution for this matter.

questiion number 1 - About Islam

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is difficult to be in a situation where it is physically not possible to live the way you would like to because of laws relating to things such as visas.

Unfortunately, in this case it would seem that as a spouse you could get a visa to be with your husband but since your children are not his they would be unable to get one. As a result, this means that you have no choice to stay behind with your children whilst your husband is away for business in Qatar.

It would be a little bit easier if you had the support of your family around you but unfortunately, they are angry because you remarried so you don’t have the kind of support that is much needed at times like this.

Whilst what your husband says regarding the laws in Qatar does sound pretty typical and is most likely accurate you might begin by getting legal advice on the matter.

Perhaps there is some way around this or alternative ways that you could join him. If there are no alternative ways for your children to get visas such that you could all go and live there together, at the very least you should be entitled to visiting visas.

You could, therefore, make plans to take regular trips to all go and stay with your husband, perhaps ideally in the school holidays. This way you will have the opportunity to be with him at least on 3 extended periods throughout the year.

Whilst he is away it is understandable why you are feeling so depressed because you don’t have the support you need from the ones you want it most from.

Do try and maintain regular contact with them and in sha Allah in time they will come to accept that you have remarried. If there is anyone you know who is friendly with both them and you who might be able to speak up on your behalf to them then this could be helpful in bridging the gap between them and you more quickly.

Otherwise, keep trying yourself. At first, don’t necessarily be talking to them about your marriage, why you got married and the difficulties you’re facing with him being away as this will just keep the fact that they are angry with at the fore. Instead, just be working on maintaining and building relations with them again. Then, once this is established once more you will be able to seek their support with the issues relating to your husband.

You should also look to building friendships outside the family too. This is most easily done by either taking up a hobby and meeting people with similar interests as well as engaging in activities at your local masjid and making friends with other local sisters.

Such friendships can be just as valuable as family support. It gives you the opportunity to keep busy with useful and interesting things whilst building friendships with those who will be able to provide you with support through difficult time, whether it be directly in terms of having someone to talk to and get advice from or just simply knowing that people who care for you are there for you should you need them.

These are ways to deal with the immediate and short-term issues, but you should also talk to your husband regarding the longer-term future. How long does he intend to be in Qatar for? And what are the plans for beyond this? This is where it is necessary to have deeper conversations about how you will manage your relationship as you move forward.

Having this talk is necessary to ensure that all future plans will ensure that they are done in such a way that will work for all of you and allow you to live together as a family eventually.

For you, having an idea of a timeline will keep you motivated and striving each day in the knowledge that at the end of his period in Qatar you will be able to be reunited as a family once more. It will keep the spark in your daily life and help to alleviate your depression as you see the end in sight.

May Allah always be a source of comfort to you during difficult times like these. May He reunite you and your husband with your children in a place of happiness and contentment and may He place deep love and happiness in your marriage in both this life and the next.

Q:

My daughter is 18-year- old and is sneaking out from the house to go to parties and nightclubs with boys. A sheikh told me to keep her at home and let her friends visit her, and to go with her to parties and nightclubs, but do not ask her to move out.

She has another sibling younger than her at home. My friends say that this would be the wrong impression given to the younger sibling if you allow one child to follow the wrong path with your blessing.

Then what message are you sending to her? You suppose to guide them on to the path Allah has stated – without boyfriends, nightclubs etc. – they say. What should be done in this situation?

questiion number 1 - About Islam

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Raising children comes with so many challenges. As babies, we are faced with certain challenges and as they become toddlers and young children, they present with a whole bunch of new challenges.

During the teenage years the challenges again come to change and the ones you are facing with your daughter are common especially for those living in the West where the Muslim population is smaller and it is seen as a ‘normal’ part of growing up to mix with boys, drink alcohol and attend parties and nightclubs. The challenge with this for Muslim teens is that all of these things are Haram and incompatible with Islam for various reasons.

I am surprised that a sheikh has advised that you attend parties and nightclubs with her since these are clearly forbidden in Islam. Perhaps you could go back to this sheikh again and ask for clarification in case you misunderstood.

Regardless of this, it certainly is important to engage with her on the matter rather than push it aside, ignore it or even fight with her about it at this point. This is important because as your friends have also said, this is not setting a good example for your younger daughter.

She looks up to your daughter as a role model and will likely seek to copy her from now and as she grows up so it is important that you set things straight with your teen daughter before it has an impact on your younger daughter too.

You have to be careful how you do this to ensure that she takes heed and listens to you. Being too harsh may only push her to it more, whereas being too lenient will only allow her to continue her behaviour.

There are a few ways to approach this of which you could try one or a combination depending on the kind of person she is and what you think she will be most responsive to.

The first approach is to simply talk to her about it and your concerns. Let her know that you understand that her friends are all doing these things and this is why she wants to do the same so that she doesn’t get left out.

Letting her know that you understand why she is behaving like this will make her more likely to continue to listening to you more so than if you are reprimanding and shouting at her for her behaviour.

Likewise, you could take a harsher approach of forbidding her from doing these things, but this is more likely to encourage her to keep sneaking out for fear that she will be punished in one way or another.

The fact that she is even sneaking out to do these things in the first place, while not being a good thing to do, is an indication that she knows it is wrong and that you wouldn’t approve, which is a good thing.

Let her know why her behaviour concerns you and do so with Islamic explanations to support what you are saying. Also remind her about her younger sister and how she will be seeking to copy her.

When you talk to her this will be an opportunity to take a collaborative approach to getting through this situation. As an 18-year-old she should be encouraged to a state of independence so to be telling her what she can and can’t do prevents this. However, independence needs nurturing and support from others.

In this case, you and her could talk about and come to an agreement on the alternative to maintaining friendships.

Rather than forbidding her to see them instead ask her if there’s anything else that they like to do that doesn’t involve parties and boys and facilitate this for her instead.

This way she will feel supported by you and more likely to listen to your concerns about her going to parties. Also, her needs for friendship will be met in a way that is more acceptable and perhaps she will feel less inclined or pressured into things that are not acceptable.

If you feel that she won’t be so responsive to you in having this talk, then you might ask someone else in the family who you feel she would be most likely to listen to.

Additionally, you can be supporting her in forging new friendships also with other young ladies who are Muslims and share the same values and beliefs. Be a role model to her by attending sisters’ events in the local masjid and invite her to go with you.

There may be others there her age, or you may meet other sisters who have children her age. Encourage such friendships and especially connect with those who have children her age so that you can collaboratively facilitate such friendships.

In sha Allah as your daughter develops strong friendships with other sisters her age she will find it even easier to leave behind the activities of those that she currently spends time with.

Attends such events and even being with other sisters her age will help to boost her connection with Islam which will be another thing that will help separate herself from doing things that are not acceptable in Islam for fear of Allah as well as simply having a deeper understanding of why such things are forbidden.

May Allah reward your concerns to raise your children in the correct way. May He guide you in helping her and may He guide her on the righteous path.

Q:

I have a problem and I need help.

I love a girl so much and she also loves me. We are practising Islam very well and faithfully. But, by mistake, we involved a relationship. We can’t come back from the relationship never. No way. We tried to finish the relationship but didn’t.

This situation we decide that we get married because we are adult. But parents are not agreed with us now because we are building our careers. They will give marry us after some years.

So, if we will marry by ourselves without informed our parents for avoiding sin and our relationship is to be halal. Then, is the marriage done or correct or legal? Is Islam approve our marriage and accept us a legal couple?

questiion number 1 - About Islam

A:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

You and this girl have developed a strong feeling for one another and you are ready to marry to make the relationship halal, but unfortunately, you do not have the support of your family, yet at the same time, you are not willing to end the relationship.

However, despite these difficulties you are concerned about making sure that things are kept halal and acceptable to Allah. Alhamdulilah, this is a good sign that you fear Allah and want to do what is most pleasing to Him in moving forward.

It is clear that you are aware that a relationship outside of marriage is unacceptable. This is indicated by the fact that you do want to marry her to avoid engaging in sin any longer.

Therefore, for fear of Allah you should contact her for now. This does not need that you should abandon the prospect of getting married altogether, but for now, whilst you are not married you should avoid committing further sin as you seek to do the right thing. This is for the sake of Allah and for you both.

It is unfortunate that you don’t have the support of your parents as this adds an extra challenge for you in seeking marriage to her in the most ideal way.

From what you have written it would seem that the only reason that they are against you marrying is that you are both young and should be focused on building your careers. With this in mind perhaps you could let them know that marriage does not have to be something that stops you from also seeking your career goals too.

Reassure them that you can do both. If there is anyone in your family who does support you in seeking to marry her then you knight consider having them be with you when you discuss the matter to give you that extra support.

Alternatively, if you approach some of the knowledge who is local about the matter who might also be able to be there to support you. Having a person of knowledge supporting you, in this case, may serve to be even more convincing to them as his support and advice would be coming from an Islamic perspective.

Regarding the acceptability of getting married without consent or support from either family, I believe this is ok. She might perhaps need a wali which will be more difficult without the support of her family but can be obtained from your local imam or the like.

However, there may be matters of a dispute of this depending on the school of thought followed so do make sure to also seek scholarly advice on this particular aspect of your dilemma.

Also, even if it is that it is acceptable for you to go ahead and pursue marriage you should also be prepared for the consequences of not having your families’ support.

Marriage is supposed to be a union between 2 families, but in the case where they do not support the marriage, this becomes more of a challenge.

In sha Allah in time they will come to accept the marriage and things will become harmonious, but you should be prepared that they may be angry with you both for going against their advice and wishes.

On top of this, be aware that as it stands you have been in a Haram relationship with this girl. The feelings that you have developed for each other will make it feel impossible to even consider not getting married.

Be aware of how this will influence your choices moving forward and how it could have some impact on trust between you even into marriage. Do make sure to turn to Allah in repentance for what you have been engaged it and do so with sincerity.

May Allah forgive you and guide you to what is best. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.