Alas, he has deprived me of the cheerful face, sweet word and the active emotion that makes woman feel her femininity and her place in the heart of her husband. He is not mean when it comes to my clothing and expenditure, nor does he hurt me. But this is not everything a woman needs from her husband.
I do not think I mean anything to him other than as a chef or a unit of pleasure whenever he wills. This makes me feel bored and hate my life especially when I see my friends and peeresses whose husbands are filling their lives with love and euphoria.
Once I complained to him against this treatment and he said: Do you think I do not fulfill my duties towards you? Am I mean regarding your expenditure and clothing?
For husbands and wives to know I raise the following question: Are the financial needs in terms of food, clothing and accommodation the only Islamic duties that the husband owes his wife? Is the psychological aspect valueless in the Islamic view? According to my limited knowledge and by nature I do not think so. Please elaborate on the of wife's emotional rights since it dramatically affects the continuity and happiness of the Muslim family.
Answer
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
In this fatwa:
Marriage in Islam has noble objectives that far exceed the material objectives. Though marriage aims at meeting innate sexual desires in a pure and sound way, it also aims at building a strong family on the basis of love, mutual understanding, respect, etc. Spouses should care for each other’s emotional and psychological needs.
In response to your question about wife’s emotional rights, the European Council for Fatwa and Research states:
This sister with her sound nature and limited knowledge realized the correct opinion that Islam states.
According to the Islamic Shari`ah, the husband must provide his wife with her financial needs — e.g., expenditure, clothing, accommodation, medication, etc. — in a way suitable to his circumstances and hers, or as the Quran states, [In a reasonable way] (Al-Baqarah 2:228)
How Does the Quran Describe Marriage?
The Shari`ah does not neglect the psychological aspects that people cannot do without. Moreover, the Quran describes marriage as one of Allah’s signs and one of His graces on people.
Allah says:
{And among His signs is this, that He has created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily, in that are signs for those who reflect.} (Ar-Rum 30:21)
This verse specifies the aims of marital life or its components as tranquility, love, and mercy between the wife and the husband; these are psychological, not material, components.
Hence, marital life is meaningless when these components are absent, when it turns into bodily closure and emotional separation.
On this basis, many good husbands are wrong when they think that the duties they owe their wives are naught but expenditure, clothing and accommodation neglecting that as the woman needs food, clothing and other material needs, she needs, and needs more, the good word, the wide smile, the tender touch, the entertaining kiss, loving treatment and flirtations that remove life burdens and achieve happiness.
How Muhammad Cared About Wife’s Emotional Rights
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) set the highest example in this regard. In spite of his huge burdens of dawah, establishing the rules of Islam, educating the Muslims, establishing the Muslim state and protecting it against its enemies, in addition to his love for his Lord and eagerness to perform continual worship — fasting, reciting the Quran, performing night prayer until his feet swelled, and crying until his beard was wet; in spite of all this he never neglected his wives’ rights.
His spiritual aspects never drove him to neglect the needs of their human feelings that could not be satisfied with food and clothing.
Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim described the Prophet’s attitude towards his wives:
“Prophet Muhammad’s life with his wives was founded on good company and good ethics. He used to send girls from the Ansar to play with his wife Aishah. Whenever she asked for something permissible he agreed. When she drank from a cup he would take it and put his lips on the same place she put her lips and drink, and when she ate meat he would take the bones and put his mouth on the place of hers and eat.
He used to put his head on her lap and recite Quran when she had her monthly period. He used to kiss her while he was fasting. Out of his morals, he would let her to play and he let her watch over his shoulder when the Abyssinians were playing in the mosque. He raced her twice. He used to say “The best among you is the best to his wife and I am the best to my wives.”
When he prayed Asr, he used to pass by his wives and be informed of their affairs, and when night came, he would go to the one whose turn it was.
Aishah said, ‘He never stayed with any of us more than the others, and it rarely happened that he did not visit all of us and come closer to each of us without touching until he reached the one who had the turn so he would stay overnight with her.’
When we consider this piece of the Prophet’s biography regarding the way he treated his wives, we can see clearly that he looked after them all, visited them all, and drew nigh to them all.
But he used to pay more attention to Aishah and that was not for nothing or bias, but rather due to her young age and virginity (at marriage). He married her when she was a virgin, and he was her first and last husband.
Such a woman would need more from her husband than an old woman. Her need is not the mere need for expenditure and clothing or even sexual intercourse, but rather the psychological aspects of the feelings which are deeper and of greater importance.
It is not strange to see Prophet Muhammad having great interest in the psychological and emotional rights, even though he was overwhelmed with a wide range of burdens in terms of dawah and establishing the Muslim nation and state. Allah says {Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have a good example to follow.} (Al-Ahzam 33:21)
Almighty Allah knows best.
Editor’s note: This fatwa is from Ask the Scholar’s archive and was originally published at an earlier date.