I hated my school uniform so much. I felt like a lifeless body. I became insecure. I hated school. My grades started dropping, but even then I didn’t think of myself as someone different. It was the next year when I became the laughing stock of the class. I had mean nicknames and my classmates used to make fun of me in front of the teachers. Even my parents abused me as a form of discipline. My father has beaten me many times with pipes, shoes since my childhood. My mother used to do it even more. They would say I should go sell my body and dance with trasngenders. My mom says I am her biggest mistake. I should be abandoned because I bring dishonor to the family.
I didn’t have many male role models growing up but have been surrounded by strong and resilient women. This has made me hate my male body. I recently dropped out of school. My parents do not know about it. I developed an anxiety disorder and I think I have gender dysphoria. It is poisoning my soul. I want to be mentally healthy and perform my religious duties, but this kind of environment is killing me slowly and slowly. I want to die as soon as possible rather than being in this state of misery. Please, help!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Seek out help from a psychiatrist who can properly diagnose you and run tests to determine biological factors.
• Reach out to a school counselor in the USA, the crisis line, helpful authorities in Pakistan or family members who would help you. Contact 1.800. 422.4453.
• Utilize the drawing exercise to visualize your happiest self and what you can do to make that a reality.
• Utilize the mirror exercise to improve your self-image.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for trusting us with such a delicate and difficult situation.
My dearest brother, first off, please take some comfort in knowing things will be easier for you in the USA inshallah. People at school will not bully you for such things here inshallah. Please understand masculinity and femininity are on a sliding scale. For example, some men are aggressive while others are very timid. It doesn’t mean one is more of a man than the other. Some women may display masculine traits in their physical features or how they behave, yet they also have feminine qualities. Allah (most honored, most revered) has made you in the most beautiful way and it was on purpose.
“Who perfected everything which He created and began the creation of man from clay” [Quran 32:7]
Nothing about you is a mistake or wrong. You are beautiful exactly how Allah made you and inshallah one day you will look in the mirror and see that same beauty.
Please understand I am not an Islamic scholar or jurist; I am a counselor. I will speak to you from the perspective of a counselor. I want to share something with you which may bring some comfort to you.
“Al-Nawawi said, “The scholars said effeminate men are two types. First, one who was created that way and he is not responsible for his behavior resembling women, their appearance, their speech, and their movements. Rather, Allah created him upon his disposition, so this is not blameworthy for him, nor a fault, nor a sin, nor is he punished. He has the excuse of not being able to control that. For this reason, the Prophet (ṣ) did not condemn him at first when he entered the homes of women, nor his behavior as it was originally his disposition. Indeed, he condemned his behavior after his deliberate imitation of women was made known to him, and he did not condemn his description as an effeminate man in itself… Second, an effeminate man whose disposition is not like that. Rather, he is responsible for his behavior resembling women, their movements, their appearance, their speech, and mimicking their presentation. This is blameworthy as has come in the authentic traditions cursing him… As for the first type, he is not cursed.” [Sharḥ al-Nawawī ‘alá Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2180]
This is indicating that effeminate men are of two types. Those which were created in this way and those which chose to behave this way despite it is not their nature. I am not saying you are effeminate, but if you were created that way then this is the plan Allah chose for you.
What is Gender Dysphoria?
Gender dysphoria is when a person experiences distress because they feel their biological sex does not match their gender identity. Your biological sex is that of male, your gender identity is how, in your head, you define your gender and assign it masculine or feminine traits. Your gender expression is how you choose to dress, talk and overall present yourself to others.
I know this is a lot to understand. For example, I am a biological woman and I identify as female. However, I am a slightly masculine woman, and this is due to biological and psychological factors. I have irregular hormonal levels; this gives me characteristics some people associate with masculinity such as competitiveness and aggressiveness.
I suggest speaking with a Psychiatrist who could not only do a proper assessment to determine if you have gender dysphoria. They could also order tests to determine if you have a biological factor contributing to this. Such as low testosterone, high progesterone or chromosomal irregularities.
Check out this counseling video:
Once you are in the USA, you will have access to a school counselor. I suggest bringing up these topics with them as they can refer you to a doctor. If you do have biological factors contributing to these feelings, this would provide medical evidence to your parents that Allah created you this way and we know Allah never makes mistakes. It is also possible that you are having this confusion because your family and peers keep telling you these things. They may actually be causing it. A psychiatrist can make this determination in person with you and your family.
Family
Please know it is not normal or okay for anyone to beat you and you do not deserve that. As you state you are moving to the USA, I am going to make a suggestion that may be difficult but also necessary. If the abuse continues, I urge you to notify your school counselor in the USA or contact 1.800. 422.4453. They will investigate and act as needed to help you and your family. Inshallah, this can help your family to realize that their actions are not only abusive, but they are also sinful.
While you are still in Pakistan, if this continues, I encourage you to reach out to local authorities or a family member that you know they will listen to. Your parents may believe they are doing the right thing and need someone to show them this is unhealthy.
Drawing and Mirror Exercise
I want to give you an exercise to help with your self-image. Draw a line down a piece of paper, on the left side draw your current self. It doesn’t have to be a literal drawing of you as a human, you could use plants to represent you if you like. On the right, draw your future happy self. Write down notes such as the job you want to have one day or your favorite activities you want to do more of. As you look at the old you and the new you, think about what you can do to make that a reality. Think of the line in the middle as the bridge from your unhappy self to your very happy self. Come up with at least 2 things you can start doing to make yourself feel happier. For example, if changing your hairstyle and drawing every day would make you feel happier than do that.
This next exercise might feel emotionally intense at times, don’t push yourself. Take it as slow as you need. When you won’t be disturbed, look at yourself in the mirror. Say aloud “I am perfect how Allah (most honored and revered) made me”. Repeat it a few times and keep looking at yourself. Think of words you would like to describe yourself such as beautiful, creative, handsome or modest. Pick one that resonates with you and look into the mirror saying, “I am (insert preferred word)”. Do this exercise daily. It is okay if you start to feel emotional or even want to cry, let it out. The idea is to work on making your self-image healthier and happier.
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Seek out help from a Psychiatrist who can properly diagnose you and run tests to determine biological factors.
- Reach out to a school counselor in the USA, the crisis line, helpful authorities in Pakistan or family members who would help you.
- Utilize the drawing exercise to visualize your happiest self and what you can do to make that a reality.
- Utilize the mirror exercise to improve your self-image.
I know this is a difficult and confusing time for you, but inshallah it will get easier. Don’t forget to talk to Allah (swt) about your struggles, make frequent duaa and have faith in the mercy and plan of Allah (swt).
May Allah (swt) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.
Ameen,
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