aaa

Ask about Parenting – Counseling Session

Aisha Mohammad
05 October, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2019 | 08:00 - 09:00 GMT

Session is over.

As-salamu` alaykum. My husband and I cut our relationship with our 2 older daughters (ages 23 and 24) about a few weeks ago because both don't believe in Islam or religion in general. Both are kafiras, although they have wonderful qualifications. They are also involved with American boys who don't practice any religion.

Both my husband and I pray regularly, but I didn’t have much time for them because of my work. My husband was very nervous especially after losing his job which was a crisis in the family .

My question is about the boys; we're teaching them Islam and prayer, also we explained to them the reason for cutting our relationship with their sisters. We worry about the emotional effect on them and their view of Islam and their view of family ties in Islam. Jazakum Allahu khayran .



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about your daughters straying away from Islam. I am not sure how long the situation has been that they don’t believe in Islam or religion in general, however you have decided to cut them off.

 

Cutting Off Daughters

 

Sister, I am not an Islamic scholar therefore I will kindly advise you to consult with our “Ask the Scholar” section for Islamic rulings on cutting off family. There are various meanings to “cutting off family” such as keeping in touch by phone or mail but not in person. Some see cutting off as only visiting once in a while. While others see cutting off as no contact-ever. In some circumstances such as sexual/abuse it is warranted as Allah wants us to be safe. However, I do know that we are not supposed to cut off our families in general.

 

There is Hope

 

You mentioned your daughters have wonderful qualities. Cutting them off is like saying there is no hope for them. I do believe that there is hope for everybody. As long as your daughters have breath there is a hope that they will return to Allah. It could be that you’re cutting them off confirms their feelings are valid regarding religion. After all, they are your daughters. You gave birth to them. They may think “how could my own mother cut me off”. Instead of showing them the mercy of Islam, it may be confirming their misguided beliefs thus pushing them further away from Allah.

 

Familial Choices

 

Sister, we may not agree with the choices our family members make, especially our children when they are adults. However, there is always a chance to build a bridge of trust which can lead to change. Your daughters may be going through difficult times emotionally. Even though they are in their twenties, they may be struggling with some issues you are not aware of. I will kindly suggest sister that you and your husband reconsider your status concerning your daughters. If you feel they’re a bad influence for your sons that is understandable. Their influence can be limited. However, they are still your daughters and they are worthy of trying to save.

 

Setting Boundaries

 

Sister, if you do change your mind and accept them back into your life, you may wish to set boundaries regarding the behaviors they engage in around your home. For instance, when they come to visit-no boyfriends. When they interact with their brothers, they must uphold Islamic values. By setting boundaries rather than cutting them off, you are illustrating your Islamic values as well as your love for them as your daughters.

 

Kindness to Non-Muslims

 

As a mother you can be a great inspiration to both of your daughters in your actions and in the way you treat them. Islam is a religion of balance and of love. They need to see this. We do not push away relatives who are of different religions, or those who have no religion. In fact, we are told to be kind and to show love to them. If we are to be kind to relatives who are not Muslim, how do you think we are to treat our own children?

 

Possible Fear

 

Your sons may be understandably confused especially if they know Islam. They may also be fearful that one day this may happen to them if they make wrong decisions or fall into sin. As we are all sinful sister and we all make mistakes, this is why we all need Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. This is why we are blessed to be able to go to Allah seeking repentance. Your cutting off your daughters may instill a real fear for your two boys.

 

Conclusion

 

I kindly suggest that you and your husband do sit down when things are calm and discuss the status of your two daughters in regard to disowning them. The Qur’an states that “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and cut off your ties of kinship?” (Quran 47:22) and “One will not enter paradise if he/she cuts off relations with relatives.” Bukhari & Muslim. Sister, please do make duaa to Allah to guide you on this very critical decision. Please also write to our Ask the Scholar section for further direction. We wish you the best.

As salamu 'alaykum . Since I began school, I have been in a co-educational school. During my 11th and 12th grade of schooling, I worked real hard with a female non-Muslim friend of mine who was in my class. We were basically friends and since she was my partner in all my academic works, we became best friends. After 2 years of knowing her, all of a sudden I fell in love with her. We did not have any pure sexual relation although we had some hugs and kisses (May Allah forgive us for what we had done). I was not in a state of mind at that time to turn back to Allah. Rather, my religious practices declined and I became more arrogant than before.

The following year, my parents came to know about the relationship and I could see that both of them were very much hurt by my explosive approach despite them raising me with the utmost kindness. The thing is that I got from my friend the love and affection that I longed to get from home. She was so caring and alive. This may be one reason why I stuck to my love. My parents didn't allow the relationship, and so I had to promise them that I would stop the relationship then and there. From then onwards, my life was full of obstacles as I had nothing alive in my mind and all of a sudden I became an introvert. I cried at odd times and I wasted a lot of time thinking about her. Though I haven't talked to her for about a couple of months, she lives in my mind and heart.

Even though I tried to stop it, it had gone too far beyond reach. Last week, I just happened to realize the seriousness of my mistake and then I started to repent. I confessed to Allah seriously from the bottom of the heart and then I wanted to be as I was before a good Muslim. I wanted to be in the way of Allah, and have his Jannah, paradise, as the ultimate reward. I cannot stop my memories of her, for I don't know If you realize, love is blind.

Whatsoever is the reason for disapproval, one fallen in the real love, can never recover completely. What am I supposed to do? For Allah Almighty's blessing and help, and the reward in tomorrow's life, one should not win the hatred of one's parent's right? So does it mean that I don't have a chance to live together with my friend? I know that in the first case itself, I am a sinner, but regretting that sin doesn't make me free from the love that I have for her. What am I supposed to do? Can I live with her? If I wanted, right now I could move on to be in a job and live with her. She agreed to accept Islam, but I doubt its sincerity. She is just saying it to be with me. What shall I do? Jazakallah Khayran



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I can tell from your question you are going through a lot of emotions right now. Not only have you fallen in love with a young lady who is your classmate, but you have gone from one side to the other.

 

A Greater Love

 

Brother, you went from getting close to this girl and committing haram things, to fighting your parents about it, and then realizing your wrongful acts. You finally repented to Allah with great remorse and sadness. You choose the greater love. Brother, your love for Allah is very apparent. Even though you are in pain, you are in a very good place. When one does not realize the sins they have committed or the bad things they have done, it is a dangerous place. However, you have realized, and you have chosen Allah. You have chosen to walk the right path towards true happiness. The pain you feel will diminish as you choose Allah over your feelings of love for this girl. Allah loves you brother and will never leave you harmed. You will heal. May Allah bless you brother for your insight, recognition, and willingness to stop haram behaviors.

 

When it Hurts

 

I know all of this hurts. There is nothing sadder than being separated from the one that you love. However, the ultimate love is Allah. Separation from Him is one of the greatest pains. With that said, I kindly suggest that you continue to draw close to Allah and pray to Him for mercy and relief in regard to your feelings for this girl.

 

What is Meant for you will not Pass you by

 

Please know that whatever Allah has for you will not pass you by. If this girl is meant for you she will be your wife. You stated that she said she would accept Islam. You also stated that you do not feel she is sincere. However, you are forgetting that only Allah knows the heart. Perhaps she is sincere. If this is the case, she may need time to study Islam and get to know what it is that she truly wants. What she wants is not in regard to you however, it is in regard to her life path. I kindly suggest dear brother that you continue to have no contact with her and trust in Allah. If she is the one for you, Allah will open that door.

 

Re-evaluating Weak Points

 

In regard to how you ended up in this relationship, it is perplexing. You stated that you did fall into these haram behaviors because she gave you the love that you never got home. However, in another point you mentioned your parents raised you with the utmost kindness. Therefore, I’m a little confused as to your reason. Brother, sometimes there is no clear cut reason as to why we do certain things. As humans we get weak. We often think we need to find a “fatal flaw” when in fact none exists except our own humanness. We all sin, none of us are perfect. What is important though, is repenting for our wrong doing, putting it behind us and moving forward, closer to Allah. If weak points do exist however, we need to evaluate, examine and resolve them so we don’t repeat our mistakes. This evaluation makes us stronger insha’Allah!

 

Drawing Closer to Allah

 

At this point you have chosen to cut off the relationship and draw closer to Allah. As you know brother with this decision, nothing can harm you as you have Allah’s favor and protection. You may have to struggle with basic human emotions such as missing this girl, longing for her, and feeling lost without her. However, you should draw your strength from knowing that you are pleasing Allah swt.

 

Conclusion

 

I kindly advise you to focus on your studies, keep busy with things that are Islamically upbuilding. Also make time for social fun with your friends. This life involves a balance. I understand you feel depressed and sad right now, however if you reach out and engage in life again insha’Allah you will begin to feel better. Trust in Allah’s love, mercy and blessings and insha’Allah the hurt will begin to diminish. We never know what Allah has for us, so trust

Selam, I'm 27 years old and have been divorced 4 years. I have met a man who is a convert. My previous marriage was abusive and my ex-husband was a convert and our marriage didn't work due to his physical and verbal abuse. I also ended up pregnant and God forgive me, I had a termination.

I am now seeking Allah's help as I Insha'Allah would like to get married to this man but my mother has refused to accept him even though she hasn’t met him and threatened to disown me if I marry him. She insists I marry a born Muslim instead and not a convert.

My father left us and my mother is afraid that my marriage will fail if I marry a convert and has advised me to break off ties with this man as he is white and not from the same background. I have been praying for Allahs help and I don't know what to do.



As-salaam alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important issue. Sadly, it is a common one in Islam and it should not be.

 

An Abusive Previous Marriage

 

As I understand your situation, you were married to a man who was abusive. You also got pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. You are now divorced and have been for four years. I am sorry to hear of all of the very tragic and sad things that you have been through. It must have been very difficult, all of it. I am so happy for you that you have endured all these hardship, abuse and hard decisions and got your life back alhumdulilah. May Allah bless you sister and continue to guide you in your healing process.

 

Mother Fears Remarriage

 

You now seek to marry a brother. He happens to be a revert. It appears that as your ex-husband was also a revert, your mother has some fears about your marrying him. It also seems that your mother is racist as you stated she does not want you to be with this man because he is white and not from the same background as you. I’m wondering if your mother knows that in Islam there is to be no racism? In a hadith it states,

 

“Verily there is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab or of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a red man over a black man, or of a black man over a red man, except in terms of taqwa.” (Tirmidhi). It is further narrated that ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas said “I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say, out loud and not secretly: “The family of Abu Fulaan (the Father of So and so) are not my friends. My friends are Allah and the righteous believers” (Muslim and Bukhaari); and finally, “The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) was speaking of a clan that was closely related to him and pointed out that mere lineage did not make them his friends; rather his friends were Allah and the righteous believers of all backgrounds” (1).

 

Content of Character

 

Sister, if your mom is so concerned about your having a happy and successful marriage, she should be concerned with the Islamic foundation of your marriage. She needs to consider the Islamic character and content of this man rather than his skin color, ethnic background or his country affiliation. Insha’Allah she needs to remember what our religion actually teaches.

 

There is to be no racism in Islam. However as imperfect humans, Muslims often get caught up in haram ideology and belief systems. The issue about him being a revert probably reminds her of your previous former husband who was abusive, and it scares her. However, abuse occurs whether a man is a revert or a born Muslim. In fact, those who have reverted, those who have chosen Islam out of a deep love for Allah, tend to be very serious about following Islamic laws and prescribed ways of living.

 

Talking with Your Mother

 

Sister insha’Allah, I would kindly advise you to sit down with your mother when things are calm. Point out the hadiths and ayats in the Quran relating to racism and how it is haram. Also discuss with her the blessings of one reverting to Islam. Assure her of your love for her, and at the same time help her to see that you have much wisdom and insight in your decisions.

Your Decision

 

Sister, as you are 27 you are an adult. While you must respect your mother and treat her good, you do not have to listen to her in regard to marriage. Who you marry is your choice as long as he is Islamically permissible for you. I would advise you however, as I would advise anyone, born Muslim or a revert-to get to know him in a halal way. Get to know his family as well. Make sure that you do check out his reputation, as well as his standing in the Islamic community. Ensure that you both have compatible traits. By getting to know his character and his reputation, you will increase the chances of marrying somebody that you are compatible with, and not one who is abusive. If you find him to be suitable sister, marry him.

 

Conclusion

 

Your mother has her own issues, sadly, due to your father leaving her. It appears that she is functioning from a place of deep pain and fear. I am sure that she wants a very good marriage for you because she loves you. However, her concepts are not of Islam . Please do sit with your mother and talk to her. After a proper and successful inquiry of this man, advise her that you will move forward with the marriage and that you do wish for her blessings. Explain to her that you do love her, however as you are 27 you are able to make a decision regarding something as serious as choosing a lifelong partner. We wish you the best!

 

1. https://islamqa.info/en/answers/182686/is-the-arab-muslim-better-than-the-non-arab-muslim

My son just turned 20. He is rebellious and does not follow Islamic teachings. He is involved in non-Islamic/ Haram habits even though I try to make understand to not do it. He doesn't listen to me. He just brought pet dog in our house and when I asked him to take her back to the pet shelter, he threatened to leave home and move away.

I don't want him to move as at least I can guide him about Islam whenever I get a chance when he is at home with me. What should I do? Let him leave? Plus he is very irresponsible so I am afraid he can't take care of the pet and she would get hurt accidentally. Please guide me in this matter.



As-salamu alaikum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. You indicated that your son who just turned 20 is rebellious and does not follow Islamic teachings.

 

Rebellious Behaviors

 

Rebellious behaviors usually surface when one is a pre to mid-teen. During this phase, young people usually seek to find their identity by trying new and different things and experimenting with different lifestyles. Often these are against Islamic teachings. This phase does not always last long and usually results in the young person returning to Islam. In your son’s case, 20 years old seems a bit late for a developmentally related phase of rebelliousness.

 

Emotional Status and Maturity

 

Sister, I am wondering how long your son has been acting in this manner. If it has been years, perhaps it did start in his teens and just continued. At this age your son is an adult and is responsible to Allah for his choices. Your son was raised with Islamic values and he does know the correct path and Islamic foundations for life. However, as you stated, he is rather irresponsible. Sister it is quite possible that he is still emotionally immature and has not developed solid cognitive abilities regarding decision-making and judgment. People do develop at different rates depending on a multiple of variables.

 

Responsibility

 

Your son sounds like he has a good heart sister. He brought a dog home wanting to take care of it. That may show that he does care and has a nurturing spirit. I understand you fear that he will not take care of the pet and it may get hurt. On the other hand, by being responsible for a pet may help him to develop a deeper appreciation for life and its responsibilities, including his own.

 

The Parent as a Friend

 

You stated that your son is involved in non-Islamic, haram habits. I am not sure to what extent he has left Islam but given his possible lag in maturity, perhaps he needs further guidance. Islamically, at age 20, parents are to be more of a friend to their children than parents. This may be difficult, because as parents it may be hard to let loose on the role of only being the parent figure. When children reach adulthood, it means that we have come to a phase in life wherein our impact as their friend may be more effective than as a parent.

 

I kindly suggest dear sister that instead of trying to parent him, try to befriend him. If you can befriend him and gain his trust, he may discuss with you what is causing him to engage in haram behaviors. This may take time to build up to, but offering an open communication based on a “friendship” type of relationship may provide him with the platform he needs to begin to trust that he can open up. This doesn’t mean you stop being his mom or parent. This also doesn’t mean you agree with him nor condone his behaviors. It just means you take a different approach in trying to help guide him.

 

Sister, from this position, you may be able to help him more than from a platform of a parent. Children naturally know that as parents we love them. However, when we back off of the parent role and treat the child who is now an adult- as an adult, we may be able to assist them in seeing the importance of their decisions. As a “friend “you would have different expectations and limitations. As a result Insha’Allah, this may build a sense of accountability and responsibility on your son’s part.

 

If all Else Fails

 

If you are at a point sister where you cannot reach your son for whatever reason, perhaps he does need to move out. I know this hurts and it can be very scary, however he is 20 and he is using the threat of leaving home to do things that he wants which are against your wishes. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you do take him up on his offer if all else fails. Perhaps moving out would offer him a chance to experience the realities which he takes for granted. He may find that all of your advises and guidance was correct after all.

 

Conclusion

 

Insha’Allah sister, try to use the different approach with your son. By acting as friend instead of mom, insha’Allah you will help him to open up more, take responsibility and feel accountable for his actions. Insha’Allah, your son will soon find out that the path of Islam is the one that leads to success. Should he choose to leave sister, please do know that you have done everything to help your son. Maybe by leaving, he will “grow up” and take Islam seriously. It is not easy being on your own, but perhaps that is the lesson he needs. Allah knows best. May Allah bless you and guide you both.