I am 18 years old, 19 tomorrow inshaa Allah. I am married to a man who is 23 years my elder.
This wasn't a forced marriage or even arranged, we found each other by Allah's Will.
I have been married to him for nearly a year and there are a few issues that I have found but I have done my best to stay silent. However this is now affecting my mental health.
The thing is, my husband and I are both UK born and raised but we are residing in Saudi Arabia because he has work here.
I understand that Islam says women shouldn't leave their homes without the permission of their husbands or male guardian and I of course agree with this.
But as a result I would expect my husband to take me out for a walk now and then to get some fresh air.
We live in a small apartment and because of the way they are built here, there are high walls which surround the building.
It means no direct sunlight is able to get in.
Secondly, you can't really open windows as the outside is dusty and so because we are in a desert region sand works it's way in.
Not leaving the house means my life is spent in one living room and it has begun to drive me a little crazy.
In the last few months I have probably left the house twice.
My husband teaches English at a uni and he tries his best to make his own materials to teach his students.
What the uni provides he doesn't deem as sufficient.
This means that after work he will spend time doing that.
In the evenings he may watch something with me. But after work he may go out somewhere to eat for example and then come home and I feel he doesn't think about me.
He seems to go out when he feels a need to but doesn't think about mine.
There is a walking trail across the road and he always seems reluctant to take me.
Even when he goes grocery shopping he won't take me.
I have tried my best to be patient and have even mentioned to him I want a bit of fresh air sometimes.
He will take me that day and then we are back to where we were.
I am not the sort of wife that can nag until something is dealt with.
I am quite shy in that sense and I don't like to confront people as I feel embarrassed on their behalf.
However, this personality trait is now being taken advantage of.
The second big issue is our lack of intimacy.
For the past 8 months I can count on one hand how many times we have had marital relations.
As an 18 year old girl, I have desires and I have told him this but to no avail.
It seems that everything in his life is put first and then there's me at the very end.
I hope you can shed some light on what I should do and how to approach this because truth be told I am starting to think about leaving him.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Decide whether you want to reconcile the marriage or seek a divorce. If seeking reconciliation begin with a calm and loving discussion.
Ensure he understands the severity of your emotions and that the marriage needs help.
Consider utilizing a marriage counselor or family mediator.
Ask him to speak with a medical professional regarding his intimacy difficulties.
If you decide to leave, tell him in a calm and good way. If you fear for your safety in telling him this, seek assistance.
Reach out to your local embassy as you have citizenship in the U.K and they may be able to help you.
Consider personal counseling.
Assalamu alaikum sister,
Thank you for having the courage and trust in us to write in about this situation.
Please understand, I am a counselor, not a scholar.
I will do my best to give you advice in-line with Islam.
But you can also read the Ask a Scholar page for various answers regarding rulings.
It is my understanding you are a U.K native married to another UK native but you live in Saudi Arabia due to work.
I also understand you have a large age difference and since moving you have been confined to your home for months at a time.
Without the ability to enjoy being outside, your husband spends some nights out enjoying himself while you are at home alone.
Your husband is not physically intimate with you very often.
I understand your apartment has no direct sunlight, limited fresh air as it is dusty to open the windows, but you have a walkway near the house.
Unfortunately, you barely get to enjoy this walkway.
At this point, you report thoughts of leaving him and feeling unhappy in the current situation.
Islam honors women
To begin with Sister, please understand Islam seeks to protect and honor women.
Not cage and harm them.
The earliest Muslims show us examples of knowledgeable, hard-working women.
Who were sometimes home but sometimes ran businesses, were scholars of Islam (such as Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her).
Fought in battles protecting the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) and interacted with men in a respectable manner.
Sister, please understand it is not Islamic to cage a woman and deny her rights to intimacy.
Protection is one thing, but what you describe is extreme.
Extreme situation
It is psychologically and physically unhealthy for a human being to be denied going outside for extended periods of time as you describe.
If you imagine prison systems; seclusion is considered a form of punishment and most prisoners are given time outside on a regular basis.
Psychiatric hospitals often implement outdoor time during the day as part of a therapeutic schedule.
What you are describing, not leaving the house more than a couple times in a period of months, is not healthy.
Fulfilling desires
Both spouses have rights to intimacy.
This is in general seen as whatever the needs of the spouses are considering what the other person is capable of giving.
In other words, your husband should strive to please you as much as you need within his own capabilities.
Please understand this might not be related to his desire, it could be related to his physical abilities.
Some men experience erectile dysfunction or have difficulties with intimacy.
If he was chaste for an extended amount of time during his adult life, he may need help understanding his intimate desires.
I am not excusing your denial of rights, simply highlighting that it may have an underlying reason which could be treatable or you two work on.
Dear Sister, I see two routes to go from this point forward.
The first one is to seek reconciliation and try to mend the marriage which will require effort on both sides.
The second is to seek a divorce.
It is your choice what your next steps are.
If You Stay
Sister, if you would like to try and seek reconciliation of your marriage issues then I suggest the following next steps.
Firstly, create a positive environment that is comfortable and facilitates communication.
Such as enjoying some tea together sitting down with him in a physically comfortable area like a couch or sitting area.
Limit distractions near you like television or phones.
Let him know how you feel and that you are close to your limit.
Express that you feel neglected and your rights not met.
Which is grounds for divorce under sharia and under basic human nature but if he is willing to work on the marriage, so are you.
It is important he understands you are having thoughts of divorce and it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him.
It shows how unhappy you are. Love is not always enough in marriage.
Check out this counseling video:
Express your emotions and preferences in a gentle way and talk to him about utilizing a marriage counselor.
You can work with an online Islamic counselor, so this is kept private and the sessions have an Islamic guideline.
I suggest Noor Human Consulting or Khalil Center, both are based in the U.S but work with clients internationally.
I strongly suggest you utilize a counselor or at the minimum a mediator from your family back in the U.K.
As you move forward in trying to reconcile your differences.
This will help keep sessions therapeutic, respectful and avoid negativity.
Additionally, you mention being timid so it is best to have someone who can advocate for you when you feel shy to express your needs.
It is important he agrees to work on the marriage and is willing to compromise.
Without effort and compromise from both sides this will continue to escalate internally for you.
Intimacy
In terms of intimacy Sister, this can be a difficult topic as many men associate their sexual ability with how manly they are.
Or it somehow reflects badly upon them as a husband.
This is of course not the case and many people experience sexual difficulties at some point in their life. S
peak to him gently about your physical needs and ask him to speak with a medical professional.
He may have a low libido due to hormonal changes or require medication to perform in line with your needs.
There is nothing wrong with needing medical assistance for sexual needs and it is not immodest or against Islam.
Islam promotes a healthy sex life for both spouses.
Additionally, you can consider asking him if there are specific things he wants to try that may help him in being more aroused.
If You Leave
Sister, if you decide to leave him then I suggest seeking assistance from your local embassy as you have U.K citizenship.
They could help you navigate cultural concerns as you are in Saudi Arabia.
Let him know of your intention to seek a divorce, unless you feel that your safety would be impacted by telling him.
If you fear to tell him this by yourself then reach out to your local embassy or friends who can provide you assistance.
You would need to decide if you prefer to return to the U.K or stay in Saudi Arabia.
Legally you may have to leave if no longer married to him.
I also suggest personal counseling to help you work through any emotional scars left behind by this marriage.
The culture of Saudi Arabia is not a typical one and for some, it can be very difficult, especially as you came from a Western background.
Cultural changes are not easy, whether someone moves to the respective East or West.
Final Thoughts
Moving forward Sister, here are your next steps.Decide whether you want to reconcile the marriage or seek a divorce. If seeking reconciliation begin with a calm and loving discussion.
Ensure he understands the severity of your emotions and that the marriage needs help.
Consider utilizing a marriage counselor or family mediator.
Ask him to speak with a medical professional regarding his intimacy difficulties.
If you decide to leave, tell him in a calm and good way. If you fear for your safety in telling him this, seek assistance.
Reach out to your local embassy as you have citizenship in the U.K and they may be able to help you.
Consider personal counseling.
Take time to pray istikhara and think about what choices you want to make and the life you want to have.
May Allah (most honored and revered) guide you and strengthen you.
salam.
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