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Ask about Parenting- Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
24 September, 2019

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session with our counselor Hannah Morris  on September 26th at 11:00 GMT/ 14:00 Makkah time

If you have any question related to family , parenting, and child development, feel free to submit it here.

The service is completely anonymous!

Thursday, Sep. 26, 2019 | 14:01 - 15:00 GMT

Session is over.

I'm a teenage girl and I live with my 2 brothers and my mom (my father and mother divorced when I was a child). I'm really struggling being able to stay sane and happy because of my mother. She's constantly emotionally abusing me as she has a very sharp tongue and short temper. She's always calling me: useless, stupid, good for nothing, and many more words that i just really can't bare hearing from own my mom.

There have been many instances where i have asked her something as simple as "can you make some lunch all the food finished," she would end up replying to me by saying something like "don't boss me around i'll make the food whenever I want to or feel like making it". She constantly reacts like this and when I try to nicely ask her if she would please stop calling me such names and talking so harshly towards all the time and rather than trying to understand where i'm coming from and say sorry she instead EVERY time she try's to end the conversation as soon as possible by saying that her head hurts or "stop talking to me right now i'm tired go away" and says that this is why she hates talking to me.

At this point I've put in so much effort to try and not get not talk back to her whenever she ends up really getting angry/shouting at me for the tiniest things (like not returning her calls) or misunderstanding the words I say (which at most times aren't harsh at all as i am a very soft spoken and non temperamental person) but my patience is really running out. Often times she says that i'm judging her and that I'm telling her that she's a terrible mom which is something that I would never ever say to my mother as I resect her very much because of how hard she works daily.

I'm quite the sensitive person and all of this behavior coming from my mom makes me insanely sad. I really don't know what to do at this point i don't know if i can take this any longer.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

This is a very difficult situation to be in. Of course, as your mom you must respect her, however, she also needs to respect you too and to be abusing you emotionally like this is not respectful at all. Just because she is you mom and you love and respect her it does not give her the right to treat you badly back. It is simply not acceptable.

 

As it sounds like you really have reached the end of your tether with this I would first suggest that if there is anyway you can get some kind of respite from this by staying with someone else, even if for a short time, then take the opportunity. It would be good for you both. As her daughter you are an easy target for her to vent her abusive ways and since you love her unconditionally she will continue to take advantage of this whether this is knowingly or unknowingly. Whether it is intentional or not, you need a break from this. If you have friends or family that you could stay with then this would be a good opportunity to do so. It will give you the space to have a break from her ways and just relax and be herself and it will also take you away from her so that she cannot make abusive remarks your way. For the time you are away she will have to find alternative ways to manage her emotions. If possible for you to stay away for a more extended period then she really will have to find a way to manage herself in a way that will become more a matter of habit than something she will turn back to when you return. Alternatively, if staying away for a longer period of time is not possible, just taking regular breaks away, even if for a weekend only will be helpful too.

 

Also, since she is not responding kindly to you perhaps you could ask someone else who she may be more responsive to to step in and talk to her about her behaviour towards you. If this might be too direct then perhaps you could do it in such a way that the person is witness to it first before they intervene based on have actually witnessed her abuse towards you. This may not be something that happens in a single visit. Perhaps you could always be making sure that there is someone with you when she’s around. This way perhaps she will be less likely to use bad words in the presence of others, but you will also feel direct support from someone being there so you do not have to endure it alone knowing that there is someone present who will support you and stand up for you should she utter bad words.

 

During the times that you are alone with her try different ways to manage her behaviour. Respond to bad words with good words. After all, it’s not easy to be mean to someone if they’re only being kind to you. Keep yourself busy in the home that she doesn’t have much of an opportunity to say anything bad to you. If she ever says something good, reinforce it by keeping the conversation going. Or, if it’s quiet, utilise the opportunity to start a positive conversation before she can even start saying something bad. Go beyond conversation do something together. Initiate it yourself and invite her to do something with you that you like doing especially if it is that her behaviour seems to be some kind of response to some emotional turmoil she might be going through herself. This act would show your respect for her but in a way that you have initiated rather than just trying to respond respectfully in a time when it is more difficult due to her disrespect towards you.

 

Amongst all this continue to pray for her. Ask Allah to guide her and soften her heart and surely with your prayers and following some of the steps here He will guide her and make your path an easier one to tread.

 

Aside from these approaches make sure to take care of yourself too. This situation is understandably getting you down, so make sure to bring yourself up again by doing the things you enjoy and being with people that make you feel happy and good about yourself. This will make it easier for you to deal with your mom’s behaviour more effectively and reinforce the fact the bad words she says about you are not true as others can prove otherwise. Make sure not to lose touch with these things along the way as it becomes so easy to do in difficult times, especially in the case of emotional abuse like this.

 

May Allah guide your mom on the straight path and fix your relationship with her. May He make things easier for you and bring you continued comfort in His remembrance.

I have a four year old male kid who has recently been diagnosed to have "Childhood Apraxia of Speech". It is a congenital disorder which is causing him a delay in his speech. He is undergoing speech therapy.

I used to make lots of Dua to Allah for giving me a healthy baby both physically and mentally, while i was pregnant with him. My question is, if mother's duas are always answered, then why my baby is having this disorder?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

To face a challenge ourselves is always difficult, but when our children go through difficulties it is even more difficult. What you are going through is most certainly a test from Allah and you are doing the best thing in turning to Allah with your struggle.

 

However, now you are feeling frustrated that it seems even though you are taking your problem to Allah over and over and He has said that He will answer the prayer of a mother, your son still has health issues. It might seem that Allah is not listening to you, but you need to trust that He is. Allah hears all things so He certainly has heard you plees for your sons health.

 

You must remember that Allah answers prayers at the perfect time. Maybe that will be tomorrow, or maybe it will not be until the Hereafter. Understand that the test that you are facing comes with much wisdom. In the midst of these difficulties it can be difficult to see but if you can take a step back you will be able to see the blessings in a seemingly hopeless scenario. For a start, even though you are frustrated that it seems you duas have not been answered, it has been an event that has pushed you to turn to Allah. If things had gone well and you had a healthy baby with no health problems you may have turned away from Allah as there always nothing in particular to draw you to him to cause you to make du’a and ask him for something. That in itself is a blessing. Beyond this, tests are a means of expiation of sins.

 

So, even though you are not the one with the health condition, as his mum you do need to deal with the consequences which is all part of the test for you as much as for him. The compensation for such bein that of expiation of sins. SubhanAllah. And, even beyond this, if we look to the great people before us who faced even greater tests in their health and well-being, yet they were the best of people. People who will be rewarded with the highest status in the Hereafter. So you can see that Allah only tests the best of people and the greater the test, the bigger the reward. So, with this in mind you can see things from a more positive perspective in understanding the wisdom behind what you are facing and why it might seem like Allah is not answering you du’a. He is listening and maybe He will answer now, or maybe later and maybe in ways that you never even imagined.

 

As you face these difficulties it is important to look after yourself too. In difficult times it’s easy to lose this so make sure to do the things you enjoy doing and be with people who will be able to support you and give you the boost that you need in order to better deal with these challenges. You could also look for groups for other parents who have a child with the same condition. There maybe a group locally, or if not you will likely find one online. Or if not, at least for parents of children with other congenital disorders. You will be able to get support and advice from others going through the same. You will also see that there are other families out there suffering with even more debilitating conditions too. You will be able to share difficulties you are facing and also see novel ways that others manage such difficulties as well as just having a space to go to share any difficult feelings you may be having with others who are or have already been through the same emotions. The feeling of not being alone can be incredibly helpful in moving forward with confidence.

 

May Allah grant your son good health and may He make the situation a rewarding one for you. May you find continued comfort in the remembrance of Him.

My 15 year old daughter is becoming rebellious and she always negotiates with me over religion. She accuses me of having a very strict understanding of Islam and that Islam is about easiness not strictness. She wants to wear heavy make-up and fashionable or attractive clothes and when I say It’s Haram, she gets mad!.

She also wants to hangout with friends, including boys and I don’t like listen to me anymore. How can I convince her with true Islamic teaching?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

This is a common issue fdaced by Muslim parents as their children become teenagers. The challenge that parents face is to convince them that the things they desire to do are not acceptable. To them it seems that the parents are being strict as they don’t see the danger in what they are doing only to go on to eventually either get into trouble for what they have done, or suffer consequences for their actions or just to simply look back and regret behaving in such ways.

 

She is correct that Islam is meant to be easy, not hard, but what she, like other teens, don’t understand is that not wearing makeup and hanging out with boys is the easy path. It is the easy path because there will be no negative consequences, both Islamically, but also in worldly matters also. In fact, to make the decisions that she desires to is actually the hard path as whilst right now it might seem like the thing do and it might feel like fun now, there will be more difficult consequences to deal with.

 

However, as a teen, she wants to fit in with her friends and do as they are doing and as she heads for independence she is more likely to listen to their advice than her parents. So, this leaves the question of how to encourage her against what she is pursuing, and to do so convincingly and there a few ways to approach this.

 

Do continue to talk to her about it, but try changing your approach. Putting it across in a harsh or demanding way can have counter effects and could even encourage her to do the opposite just to rebel out of frustration. Approach it gently. Let her know that you understand she just wants to fit in with her friends and that if she doesn’t dress the way they do or hang out with the boys like they do then maybe they wouldn’t accept her anymore. Let her know you understand this. This let’s her know that you are able to see things from her perspective and she may therefore be more open to hearing your concerns. This is when you would then talk about your concerns in her behaving this way and explain why from the Islamic perspective regarding things like the dangers of mixing with boys, especially at this age and how things can easily lead to haram. You are concerned for her welfare and only want what’s best for her. You are not doing it to be strict or controlling, but because you want good for her and don’t want her to suffer the consequences of such behaviour.

Aside from being direct about the issue you can encourage her in Islamic practices. Invite her to pray with you, watch lectures with you, read Qur’an together.. Etc.. This will encourage a strengthened connection to her Deen that will increase her love of Allah and fear of His punishment that will naturally encourage her away from acts that she is desiring now. Her making these choices herself will make her more likely to stick to her decisions and avoid haram. As part of this perhaps you could invite friends with daughters the same age over and encourage her to naturally make friends with other girls her age who are practising Islam. Let her see that it is possible to have friends and fun without wearing makeup and wearing skimpy clothes and hanging out with boys.

 

Additionally you can support her in having some of her needs met in an alternative and more acceptable way. Go shopping together, bond as mother and daughter, buy new clothes that are beautiful but modest and let her have some choice over this. If it is that she really desires to wear clothing that is immodest perhaps you could agree that it’s ok for her to wear them whilst she is at home. You could allow her invite her friends over and fun together with them without having boys around. Let them pamper themselves with facemasks… Etc.. This way she can be with them and have fun but you can relax knowing that she’s having fun with her friends but there are no boys involved. Also, let her know that she is beautiful the way she inside and out and she doesn’t need makeup or boys to prove that to her. Promote her self confidence that she doesn’t feel the need to seek such approvals from others based on her looks or how much makeup she’s wearing.

 

If there is anyone in the extended family who you feel she would be more responsive to then you could ask them to talk with her about it. This might be best coming from someone like an older cousin who is perhaps a little older and may have been through this already and could talk to her on a level that she can relate to more especially if there is less difference in age. Likewise with any daughters of friends you have who may be able to do the same and bring the matter to her on a level that she is better able to relate to.

 

May Allah reward your desire to please Him and to raise your daughter to do the same too. May He guide her in the straight path and make it a journey that she is content with.

As-salamu alaikum , I am 22-years-old girl. I have been going through a tough relationship with my parents,actually my parents are not much religious being born Muslims. My father use so much vulgar words on me and abusive words and bad language which I cannot mention. He never respect me as a daughter.

My mother is the same in dealing with me with bad words; she is more worse then him. My mother watches astrological programs on TV, she believes in that but not me. I am very strict in islam Alhamdulillah but whenever I get any marriage proposal and if I refuse just because that person is not practicing Muslim, my mother tortures me a lot and force me too. I know Quran says to respect parents. I am done with this saying, as its not easy to handle this situation. I just want to know what are my rights as a daughter in Islam.!

I want to know the punishment of parents for oppressing children.? I want to know how a parents should treat their child? A daughter has all rights to choose her life partner in halal way!? Thank you



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very sad to read that you are going through such a tough time with your parents. Parents are supposed to be a source of comfort to their children, but unfortunately you are experiencing an example of when that is not the case and in fact they are instead causing you a great deal of distress. Of course, as you know and mention we must respect our parents and they have rights over you. However, as their child you also have rights too and these should not be denied also. Yes, parents need to instill discipline in their child in order to direct them on the correct path, but this should never come in the form of abuse. Abuse towards a child, adult or younger, is never justified. So, you do not need to be left thinking that since they are your parents and you must respect them that they have the right to treat you this way, because they don’t! Abusing you like this is sinful. Regarding the punishment, that is something that is with Allah so I cannot comment except to condone their behaviour as unIslamic and pray for Allah to guide them and to keep you strong on His path.

 

Alhamdulilah, that despite the fact it seems that their Islam is corrupted somewhat in that they are not really practicing and watching haram programmes on TV you are clinging on to your Deen. This is something you should continue to do to find your way through this. Stay steadfast in your prayer and acts of worship and spent time with good practising sisters who will help to encourage you and keep you strong in your Deen, especially since this support is not available at home. This will be something that will give you a bit of positivity and strength in your life when times are hard. It will give you people to turn to to get support when you need it. And, of course, continue to take this matter to Allah. Ask Him

 

to guide them. Continue to do so in the presence of your parents also so that they may be inspired to join you and pray with you, or read Qur’an with you. Perhaps you might even find the opportunity to invite sisters to your place that could also act almost as role models in good behaviour and treating you well in front of your parents. Or, if they have relatives that have a respectable place in the community who may even speak to your parents themselves regarding their unacceptable behaviour of you would be comfortable with that.

 

If it is that you live with your parents you might consider going to stay somewhere else to free yourself from the abuse, perhaps if you have a friend or family member who might be able to accommodate you, even if just for a short time to give you some kind of respite.

 

Regarding finding a spouse, of course you have a right to pick who you want to marry. In an ideal situation your parents would assist you in the process in finding you a good match, but it seems that this may be a case where this would be more tricky. The most important quality in a spouse is their piety so you are searching in the right lines and following the way of Islam. Other positive qualities are desirable, but with a pious spouse the rest will come. If you have spouse that fears Allah and is practising then you can be sure that you will be treated well and given all your due rights as determined in Islam.

 

May Allah soften the hearts of your parents and guide them in the straight path. May He make things easier for you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.