My husband and I have been married for four years and we’re in a long distance marriage as we live in two different countries.
Our goal currently is to have him migrate here to the United States. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been easy, as his means are limited and I must pay for the bulk of the expenses. I also travel see him because he wasn’t able to get the visa.
Initially, I travelled every 3 months to see him, but it became too expensive for me so I’ve only went once this past year. He got married to a second wife without even being able to help me financially or pay for my flights, with a few exceptions.
This sister gets the benefit of him being there daily, not working, and having him provide for her, while I am here running a business and teaching at an Islamic school to pay the bills, buy food, keep a roof over my head, travel to him, and pay a lawyer fee.
When I traveled to him after his marriage, he would send her to her family while I was home with him. He also made sure I wasn’t able to see the trace of another woman, but of course, I know she is there when I am not. Even being able to have separate accommodation for my visits would be helpful.
He is a good brother, alhamdullilah, and I’m very surprised that he doesn't see this as an injustice. Even though his desires seem to have overtaken him, but I love him and I’ve learned so much from him regarding religion.
He is a kind and loving man, masha'Allah, but my patience is running out. What should I do? Please advise me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• If he provides for one and not the other, he is violating the rights of that wife and committing a grave injustice. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this violation of your rights.
• You will need to have a very serious conversation with your husband and lay out your terms firmly.
• You might want to seek help from your local imam or Muslim community.
Wa ‘Alaikum-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,
Thank you for reaching out to us with your concerns.
Your situation is clearly a very difficult one for you. Although I do not know many of the details of how your marriage came to be, I have to say that it, unfortunately, appears to fall into the same pattern as many others; a man living overseas marries a woman in the West, relying on her for finances and a legal entry into her country.
These are often referred to as “green card marriages” or “visa marriages”, and sadly most of them feature women who get taken advantage of and hurt by these men who later abandon them.
Very rarely do such arrangements turn out to be genuine, and the relationship doesn’t flourish into a happy and successful marriage.
In Islam, it is the husband’s obligation to financially provide for his wife. If he is unable to provide for her, then it is not permissible for him to marry a second one.
If he provides for one and not the other, he is violating the rights of that wife and committing a grave injustice.
Such injustice in the context of polygamy has been strongly warned against in the Qur’an and Sunnah.
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)
“Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)
With regards to your specific situation, though you describe the man as kind and loving and from whom you have learned much of the religion, I would very strongly recommend that you protect yourself from further injustice. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this violation of your rights.
He must either step up and start providing for you financially, or you should leave him.
If it has already been four years and there has been no alternate solution to you being able to live with him full-time or being financially supported by him, then I highly doubt that there will be any improvement.
The fact that he felt perfectly comfortable with taking another wife and keeping her in his home (and then sending her away when you come!), goes to show that he most definitely is not taking your rights as a wife seriously.
You will need to have a very serious conversation with your husband and lay out your terms firmly. If he agrees to abide by Islamic principles, then be sure to establish a definite timeline and immediate changes.
Too many men will sweet-talk their wives into staying in unfair and unhealthy relationships by making false promises that they have no intention of keeping.
Unfortunately, too many women, in turn, allow themselves to remain blind to the injustices being committed against them, and do not stand up for themselves and fight for their rights as they should.
Check out this counseling video:
As a Muslim woman, you should never allow someone to blatantly ignore your God-given rights and take advantage of you, especially in marriage.
You deserve to be taken care of by a husband who genuinely loves and respects you; any man who claims to love you but does not fulfill his religious obligations towards you is a failure of a husband.
(Editor’s note: You might want to seek help from your local imam or Muslim community.)
I pray that you are able to claim your rights and have justice upheld and that you are blessed with a husband who takes his Islamic obligations towards you seriously, and loves and respects you as you deserve.
May Allah ease your situation and grant you with the best of this world and the hereafter!
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