I am 22-years-old, and I have an issue I desperately want to resolve. How can I desexualise myself after around 4 years of constant exposure to pornography and masturbation? If I may add, those 4 years were probably the most stressful years of my life.
I don’t know how it started, but I suppose a friend introduced me to them. I was so busy, so it was difficult for me to be immersed in them every day in the first two years. I moved to another country for my university studies, which is when I started exploring the internet and began using every platform of social media extensively.
The past four years of my life were so stressful because my mother was very sick and I had a very bad eye problem which affected my daily life as I could not see clearly. However, I didn't bother telling anyone because I didn’t want to cause any more pain, especially to my mum. So, I struggled a lot and it affected me immensely.
Last year, my mother passed away. It took such a toll on me that I still cannot bring myself to care about my studies, rather I do just enough to not fail. I believe my mother’s suffering has given me the extra energy to fight every day, because even in high school my eyes weren’t good. I would just pretend my eyes were fine for four years.
I had really good relationship with my mum and she used to care for me a lot, perhaps because I was the youngest. I felt whole and loved, so after she passed away, I was devastated. I felt like my life had no purpose, especially since I was working hard in school to be able to provide a better life for my parents, particularly my mother.
My father is still around, but we don’t really have a good relationship because he wasn’t always there. He's been travelling all the time since I was little.
How can I get out from this? Please advise me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Seek out counseling to help you move through the grief process.
• Talk to your father about how you feel regarding the loss of your mom, your wanting a closer relationship with him, as well as your academic issues.
• Recognizing how stress plays a role in these bad habits will help you stop them, in shaa’ Allah. Try finding other ways that help you relieve stress. Socialize. Do something halal you enjoy.
• Read Quran, attend Islamic events, go to the Masjid for prayers, and generally try to increase your social life to include brothers who motivate you for the better.
As salamu alaykum brother,
Thank you for sharing for your most important concerns with us in search of guidance. May Allah SWT direct our responses to be of benefit to you.
Pornography and Masturbation
You are concerned about getting back to feeling like ’normal’ after a few years of what you described as intense pornography and masturbation.
This is a common problem among many people, both Muslim and non-Muslim. After a period of time, people often come to realize the destructive outcomes that a bad habit can bring and seek to stop their negative behaviors, as you are doing now.
Sometimes, bad behaviors can be the result of stress, depression, or lack of willpower, among other things. The good thing is that you recognize these behaviors are sinful and harmful to your spirituality and future sexual abilities.
While occasional masturbation is not such a big issue, if it is an addiction, it is. Pornography, as you know, can quickly become an addiction and may impede your sexual responses to a future wife. Both habits need to be addressed brother in order for you to fully gain the favor of Allah as well as function well in a future marriage.
Stress, Loss, Sadness, and Falling into Bad Habits
According to you, you were using every platform of social media extensively. You state that your pornography/masturbation addiction stems from stress as your mom was very sick before passing away. I am so sorry to hear this, may Allah have mercy, forgive, and grant her Jannah.
I can imagine this was, and still is a most difficult time for you. May Allah grant you ease, dear brother.
Struggling Academically
You are in school now, and you are still struggling with your mom’s death as well as other issues, thus your studies are suffering and you’re just academically getting by. Brother, it sounds like you may be depressed and still grieving your mother’s passing. This is natural as it is a great indeed.
I kindly suggest that you, in shaa’ Allah, seek out counseling to help you move through the grief process. In shaa’ Allah, getting counseling will help you move through the stages of loss.
You may see your life begin to unfold in more healthy and productive ways. It will be especially helpful for your bad habits of watching pornography and masturbating, as well as your lack of drive in school.
Problems with Eyesight
In addition to your other concerns, you also stated that you have problems with your eyes and it affects your daily life, although you did not tell anyone. I’m not sure what your eye problems are, dear brother, but I do currently suggest that you see an eye doctor.
It may be a simple matter of getting prescription glasses or it may be a situation where you need other treatments. The point is, your health is very important and your vision is, as you know, vital.
There may be another reason why you are not trying as hard as you should in school. You may be worried about your sight. No doubt, sight is important for learning in school. Please follow up with your family doctor for a referral to an optometrist for your eyes.
Distant Relationship with Your Father
Brother, you mentioned your close relationship to your mother, alhamdulillah, but you also mentioned your relationship with your father wasn’t as good due to his constant traveling since you were young. This distance can be changed, in shaa’ Allah, if you are willing to put in the effort to reach out to your dad.
I kindly suggest talking to your father about how you feel regarding the loss of your mom, your wanting a closer relationship with him, as well as your academic issues.
If you feel comfortable, you could seek his advise on your habit of masturbation and watching porn. However, due to the highly personal nature of this issue, you may want to develop a closer relationship with him first.
As he is your father and a man, he is in the position to offer solid, compassionate Islamic advice, in shaa’ Allah. If you feel you cannot directly talk to him about these issues, you could write him a letter containing your feelings and suggest that perhaps the two of you can spend more time together to build a close relationship.
Stress and Bad Habits
During times of intense stress, we can become more susceptible to acquiring bad habits. Your bad habits included such things as watching porn and excessive masturbation. It is like the stress that is felt has to have an outlet, somewhere to go and be released.
Recognizing how stress plays a role in these bad habits will help you stop them, in shaa’ Allah.
Check out this counseling video:
You may find a natural inclination to reduce these activities once your stress is under control. However, as it is a habit and it is pleasurable to some extent because you are a human being, you may have to take extra measures to stop.
These measures could include diverting your attention when such thoughts come to your mind compelling you to engage in those activities. For instance, if you think about watching pornography, you could instead choose to take a walk, exercise, or read Qur’an.
Please also do pray to Allah to grant mercy and ease in your situation. The closer you get to Allah, the more you will want to please Him and stop these bad habits.
Getting Closer to Allah
Getting close to Allah brings new-found hope and strength. I kindly suggest that you read Quran, attend Islamic events, go to the Masjid for prayers, and generally try to increase your social life to include brothers who motivate you for the better.
You will receive a lot of blessings, in shaa’ Allah, when you seek the favor of Allah by actively engaging in spiritual pursuits as well as sincerely praying and repenting. Allah loves you, brother. He wants you to be happy and successful, not only in this life but in the next.
Approaching One Issue at a Time
In shaa’ Allah, if you approach one problem at a time, things will become more manageable. For instance, get counseling to help with grief concerning the loss of your mom. It may decrease your stress as you journey down the road towards healing.
While nothing can ever take away the pain completely, there are ways of dealing with depression, grief, and emotional pain a loss such as this brings. Learning various coping skills and other counseling modalities can help you move through not only grief, but other concerns you may have.
Addressing the situation with your eyes would be another stressor that is removed from your life. Rectifying your relationship with your father and getting closer to him can also reduce the feelings of loss and soltitude, in shaa’ Allah. It can be an added support system for you, thus reducing your stress.
I am sure your father is experiencing his own sadness and grief due to the loss of your mom as well. Perhaps it will be good for both of you to make an effort to rekindle your relationship.
When you actively and professionally address stress levels and accompanying problems, you get a better chance of developing and applying coping skills to overcome bad habits.
Conclusion
Dear brother, please seek out Allah and strive to get closer to Him. Pray, repent, and focus on strengthening your religion. Seek out counseling on a regular basis to address your possible grief and depression. In conjunction, make stress reduction and management part of your daily routine and lifestyle.
Consciously and prayerfully make efforts to stop masturbation and watching pornography by utilizing diversion, behavioral interventions and by finding other ways to relieve your stress. Seek out an eye doctor to address your vision concerns. Set your intentions on doing good in school.
Make it a priority and a goal of which you can be proud. Reach out to your father to rebuild your relationship with him. He could turn out to be one of your biggest supporters, in shaa’ Allah. Trust in Allah as you begin to get a hold of your life and make these positive changes.
Allah will never leave you, brother. Please trust in that.
We wish you the best, you are in my prayers.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.