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Overcome Your Difficulties! (Counseling Session with Aisha)

Aisha Mohammad
19 May, 2019

Salaam `Alaykum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Tuesday, May. 21, 2019 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

Salam Aleikom dear sister Aisha. I wanted to talk to you after reading some of the answers which you gave to the people in need. I loved your style so decided to talk to you. I surely think you will help me, inShaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, I am a good looking and independent woman who is working as a consultant. I try to practice deen as best as I can. The thing that I am very much worried about is that I am not able to get married (I have crossed thirty already). Every time a proposal comes, initially it looks like this is the one, and everything and everyone seems so happy and satisfied. I don't know what happens, after some time things become so complicated for one reason or the other, and then it all vanishes into nowhere.

Alhamdulillah the proposals are coming but never it had reached the final stage. I wonder when would that happen as I seriously want to become a good wife and mother, but things are just not happening. When I see other people younger or with not many good looks or not good in religion getting married so easily I wonder what’s the matter with me? This has taken a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem and I am not able to concentrate on my professional work as efficiently as I should. I avoid revealing my age to anybody. I avoid being in the company of old friends or relatives. I am a bit shy in nature and don't know how to handle such feelings.

I also do istikhara whenever a proposal comes. Like a couple of months before, after doing istikhara for a proposal, the course of things went positive initially but soon after turned negative. Please tell what I should do in this case. Should it be considered positive (as things were actually positive initially) or negative (as the things are not moving forward now) I wonder whether I am able interpret the results of istikhara correctly or not? Is it that not interpreting the results correctly the reason of still being unmarried.

Alhamdulilah I don’t have any regrets for the proposals that came earlier, because somewhere I think they were not right for me. But then, what is good for me? When I talk to my family, they just say:;wait for the time to come...no one can do anything in this;. Is it that Allah is unhappy with me? Is it that I am not good enough or cannot be a good wife or... ?? I usually live alone most of the time (as I work away from my hometown) and these type of thoughts disturb me a lot I am not able to live happily. I often get casual friendship requests (even from married men) just for fun; type but I am not into these, nor will I ever be.

I always pray that Allah keep me away and protected from these type of people and thoughts. Ameen. But sometimes I do think, why I am not getting what I want and keep getting what I don’t want? Please guide me what should I do. If you could also tell me something to recite/ to do to counter this state of mind and to clear the obstacles and feel confident in my day-to-day life.



A salaam alaikum sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so happy that you like the style of advice, it is only through Allah that this is possible and insha’Allah, Allah will enable us to continue to be beneficial in some small way.

 

A Common Situation

Regarding your situation, it is not unique or rare. I’m not sure where you live however, I do know that in the United States there are a lot of very beautiful, educated, single Muslim women over the age of 30. For some reason to a lot of sisters over the age of 30 is a hallmark. I do understand and respect the tradition of getting married very young.  It is a safeguard and insha’Allah a nice way to begin young adulthood.

 

Differing Ages of Marriage

For the most part at least in the United States, back in the days people got married very young because they did not live to an old age.  They used to live to be about 40- 45 hence early marriages. As people are now living to be in their 90s and 100s, being 30 is still considered young.  There are many women here as I’m sure other places, who have children after the age of 40. I know that is a big concern when women start to reach their 30s in regards to fertility.  However, some women are even having their first child around 40 years old. Another reason for this is that a lot of women nowadays do pursue a career whether they are married or single. Oftentimes a husband and wife decide together to put off having children until later.

 

Marrying with Insight

In Islam however it is best to marry young and yes, you are still young. Sister I do not think there’s anything wrong with you turning down proposals. You seem to know what will work and what won’t. That is a good thing. It means when you do marry, insha’Allah it will be a very successful and happy marriage insha’Allah! It would be sad to get into a marriage with someone that you are not compatible with.  It may not be a very happy marriage. I would advise however that insha’Allah you do make a list of the qualities that you absolutely have to have in a spouse. Make another list of qualities that would be nice to have. That way you can be sure in your heart that you are not being too choosy, yet you’re being choosy enough to know that whoever you marry you both will be happy insha’Allah.

 

As Muslims when we are single, it is often times shocking and sad to us because we feel and know that marriage is half of our deen and very important. We often cannot understand why we have not found a spouse yet.

 

Allah has This

Dear sister, I kindly advise you to look at it like this, perhaps Allah in His mercy and love for you is blocking relationships that will not work to save you for the one that will. You, in your wisdom, are able to see this based on your question.  Still, not being able to secure a marriage after some time can leave one wondering “is it me?”

A Reflection of You

Sister there’s nothing wrong with you, please don’t ever think that there is. I know it can feel like there must be but, that is just a human feeling in response to waiting. Sister, if you meet someone you feel compatible with and feel that spark- it will happen. You will be so happy that you waited for the right one at the right moment.

Reducing Complications

You stated that things become very complicated concerning proposals for one reason or another, therefore I would suggest to try to keep things as simple as possible.  Whatever situations cause complications or confusions, try to avoid them. Insha’Allah try to get to know the next man in a halal manner, yet away from any external factors that could cause interference.

 

Feeling the Joy

You stated that you don’t have any regrets for the proposals that came earlier, because you think they were not right for you.  Still you feel disturbed because you are a live alone, and are alone most of the time. I would encourage you especially during Ramadan, to attend Islamic events as much as you can. Go to the Masjid for prayers, attend iftars, and truly enjoy the sacred month of fasting.  By praying, doing works of charity as well as socializing with our sisters, it can lift your spirits and help you to feel more involved on a spiritual and social level. You may be already doing this but I am going to ask that you do it in a different way ?

 

Don’t Focus on Marriage

When you do go out sister, either at work or Islamic Affairs, don’t think about getting married.  If you see married couples having fun and happy, don’t let sad thoughts creep in. Tell yourself “this will be me soon insha’Allah!”.  Claim it with joy, put that vibe out in the universe for Allah to work with. Try to turn the sad, despairing thoughts into positives.  Focus on being in the moment. Try to enjoy each moment you have and those that you are with.  When you focus on joy to defeat sad thoughts or longings, you are in fact trusting in Allah that you will receive what you have been praying for. You develop an aura of nour around you. Walking in this light that comes from your heart and soul, I will not be surprised if that someone who is meant for you, walks right into your life, smiles and says there’s my wife!

 

Light

When we shift our mind frame from wishing and wanting and feeling sad, towards letting Allah guide things, we tend to feel happier and we develop a stronger light which radiates around us. This is an attractive Islamic quality. I am sure that you already have it my dear sister but after times and times again of disappointment and hurt, it may be lingering in the background. Bring it forward!

Duaas

Here are a few duaa’s I really like, insha’Allah you will find them beneficial as well.  You are in our prayers.

“It was reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to recite this Dua: “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” (Abu Dawud)” (1).

 

“It was reported from ‘Abd-Allah ibn Mas’ud that the Prophet said:  “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’

 

“O Allah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Quran the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety” but Allah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)” (1).

Assalamualaikum. For the last 2 years, my husband was having extramarital affairs with another girl. He wanted to do 2nd nikaah, but later dropped the idea. But he still claims that the girl still has a special place in his heart and this continues till his death.

I'm really hurt because despite I have forgiven all his mistakes, I am with him and also fulfilling all the duties of a wife, I do not have that only and special place in his hurt.



As salamu alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

Sister I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s extramarital affair. May Allah bless you for your patience, efforts, your willingness to forgive, and your continued support of your husband.

 

A Heart that has been Hurt

I can imagine this is so hurtful, especially as he told you she will always have a special place in his heart. What kind of a man says that to his wife? Anyhow sister, insha’Allah as he grows in deen and knowledge perhaps his mind will be able to comprehend his grave errors. Insha’Allah he recognizes as well as the beautiful, wonderful pearl that is his wife.

 

Sister, you stated that he did want to do nikah with this woman but later dropped the idea. I am wondering why? If you do not know why he dropped the idea dear sister, and he still talks about her, I would kindly ask.

 

It could be that her family declined him or forbid her to marry him. It could be she told him no. Sister I can imagine you are very hurt. You have sacrificed a lot and you’ve put up with a lot. You do not deserve this you deserve much better. Sister, he may say she has a place in his heart but perhaps the feeling he has is guilt not affection at this point. He words to you were hurtful and I am sure he knows that. Perhaps he is taking his own guilt and remorse out on you instead of facing his own inadequacies and sins. He is blessed to have you as a wife sister.

 

Marriage Counseling

At this point you may want to go for marriage counseling. I kindly advise you to address this with him to improve and rebuild your marriage insha’Allah. In the meantime, sister inshallah please try not to take his cheating personal. I know that is very hard. I’m sure you have a very special place in his heart however right now he’s just a very selfish sinful man.

 

Be Good to Yourself

Please do be extra good to yourself during this time, take walks, socialize with friends for upbuilding and support, attend Ramadan prayers and events, and stay close to Allah. In time insha’Allah this pain will pass and he will come to his right mind. If he doesn’t or if there is a repeat of his infidelity, you do have other options sister. You are in our prayers.

I met a nice Muslim boy through some mutual friends. However, I am unsure of what to do. I am 23 and he is 30. He has been married before and has a child. He has also been to jail. He is a lovely person and very respectful however I am unsure of how to bring this up to my parents. I am scared they will not accept him.



A salaam alaikum sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

You stated that you met a nice Muslim boy through some friends. You stated that he was married before and has a child. He’s also been to prison.

 

Judgment and Mercy

Sister the part about him being married and having a child is fine, there is nothing wrong with that. There are many Muslims who have been married before and have children. There are also many Muslims who have been to prison and are now wonderful Muslims. People change.

 

Questions

However, my question would be has this man changed? What did he go to prison for? How long ago was it and what was it for? These are the questions you need to know.  You say that he’s a very nice person and respectful. What about his deen? What about his devotion to Allah and following Islam? Is the brother known in the community and respected? I’ll kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah you inquire about him through your friends at first. Find out about his reputation and personality in the community.

 

If his situation is that he is serving Allah and following Islam and truly is a good person, there’s no reason why you should not present him to your parents. If Allah forgives us for our sins, and we do have a lot of sins, then we need to be forgiving of other people.

 

Qur’an & Sunnah

If you decide that you are interested in him for a spouse there are points in the Qur’an and Sunnah that discuss forgiveness of sins, and how people do change become the best Servants of Allah. There is no haram in marrying somebody who has been previously married and has a child. Many cultures do have a stigma against it but it is not against Islam. In fact our prophet (PBUH) married widows with children. The important factors sister are if he loves and serves Allah, is following Islam, is Islamically permissible for you as well as the both of you are compatible.

 

Before Presenting to Parents

I do advise you insha’Allah, before you tell your parents about him, that you do ensure that the has the above-mentioned qualities. You want to present to your parents a man who has a good reputation and his deen is on point. Like all parents, they will want to ensure that their daughter is marrying a kind Muslim man who will lead her to Jannah. Insha’Allah, things will work out as you wish and your parents will embrace him.  We wish you the best.

Assalamualaikum. First, I am extremely depressed and feel suicidal almost every day. My sister died recently. My husband applied for divorce because he has been having an affair with someone a lot younger.

He told me she is much younger and prettier and I do not have any value anymore. In addition, I have recently been diagnosed with a genetic disease which is life-threatening for any child I might have. I am currently also unemployed. Everyone around me friends neighbors seem to be leading a happy normal life.

How am I supposed to move on when I feel like my life is pretty much a waste? I have tried to help people and in return, they have hurt me. I do not know how to move on or just even survive. All I feel is anger, pain, resentment and hate.

Any advice would be highly appreciated.



As-salaam alaikum sister,

I am so sorry to hear about what has transpired in your life and the way you are feeling. I can imagine that you feel lost right now. I am so sorry about your precious sister, may Allah grant her Jannah and you and your family ease.

 

A Series of Major Traumatic Events

As your sister passed away recently, you must still be grieving in the early stages. This is the hardest part, please try to surround yourself with nurturing people and go to Allah with your tears, Allah is most merciful towards us.

 

To make matters worse, you indicated that your husband has applied for a divorce. He’s been having an affair with someone a lot younger. I’m not clear on how long you been married to your husband or how old he is. I don’t know how old this woman is that he is with, because you’re only 25, what is she 15? Your pain and hurt regarding this is understandable dear sister, what is not is your husbands cruelty and infantile perceptions.

 

You are a Blessing and a Pearl

Sister you have very much to live for. You have a lot of value and I am sure you are quite beautiful and pious. Men can be so misguided, cruel and selfish. Often times they do not know when they have a good woman. It is only till they lose her that they understand. I have a feeling your husband is going to be in for a very harsh and rude awakening in the near future.

 

Healing Steps

Sister I kindly suggest that you start a journal and write down your feelings daily. I would also ask you to write down the positive points about yourself, something nice about your looks, your accomplishments, the nice things you do for people and so forth. Often times it’s hard to see the good in ourselves when we have been beaten down so much. You have experienced so much loss especially your sister’s death, your husband’s leaving, and now the diagnosis of a genetic disease which may be life-threatening for your child should you get pregnant.

 

In times of hardship, we often forget to focus on what is good. The negative that is going on can overtake us, and that’s what seems to be happening right now. I am concerned however because you are going through at least four huge major life stressors. Inshallah I pray to Allah that you can move past these negative points and see the beauty that is you that He created, and the positive things that you will have in the future.  I understand that at this moment you may not even be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please remember it is not the hope of the light that is an illusion, but the tunnel itself.

 

Seeking Counseling

Sister please do seek counseling in your area. Insha’Allah try to be around sisters who are uplifting and supportive of you during this difficult time. Make duaa to Allah to grant you ease and bless your steps towards healing.  If you feel like harming yourself please call the Suicide Prevention hotline in your area. You are precious, never doubt that for a moment. Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.

Salam. I am really in a very bad stage. I am a married man. I had sex with a girl who got pregnant. I am so confused now. I feel so guilty of my sin. How would I let my family know about this, and my wife? But what I am concerned about the most is Allah's punishment.

Will Allah forgive me for such a sin?



As salamu alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. As I understand your situation, you are married and you are expecting a child with another woman who is not your wife. You feel very bad about the situation and worry about Allah’s forgiveness.

 

A Hurtful Situation

Brother, I do not know how long you have been married, nor how many months pregnant the other woman is. However, it is definitely going to be a most hurtful situation for your wife and the families involved.

 

Be the First to Inform

I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you do inform your wife and family about the situation. It will be very difficult for you to do I am sure, however the truth is going to come forth regardless. It will look better if you were the one who tells it.

 

Ensuring Care

I also kindly suggest that however your wife reacts and feels that you try to be understanding and respect where she is coming from. She is probably going to be devastated and very hurt. She may take time to heal and trust again, or she may decide to leave. Only Allah knows. I kindly suggest that you both seek marriage counseling should she decide to go forward with her marriage to you.

As far as the other woman is concerned, I am not sure if you plan to make her your wife as well, or if she was a casual encounter, or if there’s any kind of relationship. In regards to her, you will have to decide how she will be treated fairly as well as make arrangements concerning your upcoming child.

We Learn and Repent

Insha’Allah brother this experience showed you how wise it is to follow our Islamic values and not sin. Sin is not only disobedience but it can bring much devastation and hurt. As humans, we often do not think about these things, thus the good practice of remembrance of Allah at all times.

Allah is Most Merciful

Dear brother, Allah swt states that he will forgive everything but shirk if we sincerely repent to Him. I suggest that you do make repentance to Allah for your sins. Make duaa to Allah that He also grants mercy upon those that are affected by your transgression. Perhaps this will be a turning point in your life wherein you will take more serious consideration of your actions.

Your situation is not unique. Sadly there are a lot of situations such as these. The main point dear brother is to repent to Allah, fix yourself and your family on a righteous path, and ensure you take care of your child and the mother.

Trying to Rebuild

Insha’Allah you and your wife will be able to rebuild your marriage. Insha’Allah you will make an Islamic decision regarding the woman that you got pregnant so that she does not have to suffer or do without as well. The child that is coming into this world is a blessing and a gift despite the origin of conception. It is not the child’s fault.

Please, do let us know how you are doing,