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Ask the Marriage Counselor (Counseling Session with Aisha)

Aisha Mohammad
14 May, 2019

Salaam `Alaykum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Tuesday, May. 14, 2019 | 14:00 - 15:00 GMT

Session is over.

I have severe depression and I’m suicidal. It’s now Ramadan and my mood is very low because I keep thinking about killing myself and I can’t pray because I feel so disconnected. I stopped self-harming with a blade but then resulted in rubber bands. I have a therapist. But what should I do? Will Allah forgive me for not praying because of this?



As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your depression, feeling disconnected, and thoughts about killing yourself.  I am really concerned about you and pray that Allah swt guides, protects and grants you ease from these feelings.  You must be really suffering right now, please know that you will get through this and feel good again and that suicide is not the answer.

 

Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Self Harm

You stated that you stop self-harming with a blade, but then went to rubber bands. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but it does not sound good. You also stated that you have a therapist. I am wondering if your therapist is aware of the way you are feeling?

 

Contact your Therapist, Crisis Hotline, Suicide Prevention Hotline Now

Sister I kindly advise you to contact your therapist as soon as possible and tell her about your feeling depressed, suicidal, disconnected, and the use of rubber bands to harm yourself. Schedule an appointment with her as soon as possible, but also speak with her on the phone now to let her know what you are feeling. If you are in therapy, you should have a crisis number -suicide prevention hotline number, that you can call in cases such as these if you cannot get a hold of your therapist. Please do call your nearest crisis hotline if you feel that you are going to harm yourself and reach out to a family member or someone else who is close to you to let them know how you are feeling.

 

Sister you do not have to go on feeling this way.  As you are in therapy, you need to let your therapist know if it is not working so she can try different modalities and/or different medications. Please do not wait.  Please call your therapist or a crisis center/Suicide Prevention Hotline as soon as possible.

 

Allah is Most Merciful

Sister as you have a mental illness called depression, Allah understands and makes allowances for those who suffer with illnesses. You are unable to pray because of your state of mind due to depression. This can happen when one is depressed.  When depressed, people often have a hard time connecting with anything. However, Allah is still with you, He is closer to you than your jugular vein. He knows what you are going through, and He understands. Allah is most merciful. The main thing right now sister, is calling your therapist and/or The Crisis hotline -Suicide Prevention Hotline in your area now insha’Allah.  Also let somebody close to you know how you are feeling.

 

Insha’Allah my dear sister, you will get the proper treatment for your depression so that it does not escalate to this point again.

 

Communicating with your Therapist on Treatment Success or Issues

You are young sister and you have your whole life ahead of you. Insha’Allah, it’s going to be a wonderful life. You just must take these steps in resolving your depression, which I am confident that you will insha’Allah. Often it takes trying out different therapeutic treatments to find what works and what will lead to healing. The important thing sister is to keep your therapist informed at all times on your progress, and how you are feeling so she can help you.

 

Again, I cannot stress enough- please do call The Crisis Hotline in your area as well as your therapist. You are in our prayer’s dear sister, please let us know how you are. We are here for you.

I want to marry someone but I'm afraid my parents will refuse on my first attempt to asking them itself. Also, I am too shy to open up about it to my parents, in the first place itself. I pray a lot of istikhara as well just to inform. I can wait for a few years; it isn't necessary that I mary so soon.



As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

As I understand, you found somebody that you would like to marry, or you would like to get married, but you are afraid to tell your parents.

 

Thinking about Marriage

Sister you’re at the age where people usually start thinking about marriage. There is nothing to feel shy or fearful about this. It is a natural desire and process to seek marriage when one is of age and ready. It sounds like you have thought about what you would like and feel that you are ready for marriage.

 

Speaking with Parents About Marriage

I will kindly suggest that you do speak to your parents. If you feel shy, you may wish to write a letter that you can then read to them. This often helps one focus better on what is being said. Oftentimes shyness can cause us to forget what we have to say, miss certain important points, or get sidetracked in a conversation. By writing out what you would like to say, you can structure it in simple points yet express all your feelings at the same time.

 

Using the Qur’an and Hadiths for Talking Points

I’ll kindly suggest as well to bring up points about marriage from reputable hadiths and from the Qur’an. You may also wish to discuss the type of person that you feel you would be compatible with to marry if you have not already found someone.

 

Parents may Surprise you!

When you tell your parents insha’Allah, you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that they are open, receptive, and happy to help you. It may be that they are thinking of marriage too, but do not know how to approach you either! It could be that maybe they feel you’re not ready to get married yet or think you don’t want to get married. By telling them, you are letting them know that you are ready for marriage. Insha’Allah your parents will be very helpful and supportive of your desire to get married.

 

Right to get Married

If they are not supportive, you still have the right in Islam to get married regardless. While it is always the best to have our parents’ blessings for our marriage, we do not need their permission as it is a right given to us in Islam. If the potential spouse is Islamically acceptable for you to marry, there should be no barriers to marriage in Islam.

In a case where the parents do not want to help or are not supportive, that means that you would have to reach out to the sisters at the Masjid, the Imam, and others informing them of your desire to get married so that they may assist you in meeting someone in a halal way.

 

Conclusion

Insha’Allah, your parents will be a supportive sister.  Again, by writing out what you would like to say and highlighting your points and reasons will be most helpful especially since you are shy. May Allah bless you and guide you in your endeavor to get married. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.

Salam. How are you? I am a Sudanese Muslim born and raised in America. I love my religion, I love my people, I also fell deeply in love with an Algerian Muslim girl. We have been through a lot together and she has a dark past she has been through a lot of pain while living in America. She has demons. She's fighting, she does drugs and alcohol. She also has tattoos but slowly while she's been with me she has been trying to change. I want to help her change and also help her to get rid of her tattoos. I want to help her stop drinking and doing drugs. She hates her tattoos and regrets them so much.

I love her and I think I want to marry her but she has to change if I take her to my Family. Now they would deny her, I told my mom about her. She has no problem me marrying out my race, but she doesn't know about her problems, please don't judge. She is an Amazing person and she loves Islam but America has corrupted her and I want her to become the good Muslim girl that she is meant to be.

My question is should I help this girl and be there for her because I'm in love with her and I want to marry her or should I go find someone back home? The reason why I say back home because this girl will be the last relationship I'm not trying any more in America but I really love her what should I do.



As salamu alaykum my dear brother and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

I am sorry to hear about the situation with the Algerian Muslim girl that you have been talking to. I am not sure of your relationship because you stated that “we have been through a lot together”. This may or may not indicate that she is your girlfriend, please forgive me I am not sure. However, as you know in Islam we’re not supposed to have boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationships. None the less, you do care about this girl deeply.

 

Current Substance Abuse Issues

You stated she does drugs, drinks and has a dark past. Brother, it seems to me that the pain that she is in (according to you) may have resulted in her use of drugs and alcohol. This often happens when mental health issues are not correctly addressed.  People often seek relief from mental pain through haram means. You stated that you want to help her change, however, the change has to come from within her. Insha’Allah, if you want to help her brother please do suggest that she gets mental health and substance abuse counseling as soon as possible. I am not sure of the extent of her drug and alcohol use, however, if she has an addiction it is often a long process to get clean. Additionally, there are relapses involved sometimes when one tries to get clean and sober. It is part of the process.

 

Suggestions for Intervention

If it all possible, insha’Allah assist her in taking these steps to get the help that she needs. Give her a list of mental health clinics and substance abuse treatment centers. Encourage her to go to the Masjid for prayers, Islamic supports, as well as getting closer to Allah swt.  I understand she is an amazing person and I’m not judging her. However, I feel that her mental health issues may have existed for a long time without being correctly treated. With that said, should you marry her, you may be in for a very long road of possible caretaking, mistrust, and traumatic experiences should she relapse during recovery.

 

To Marry or not to Marry

Brother, I cannot advise you to marry her in the state that she is in right now because I am not sure how she feels. Is she ready to truly commit and dedicate to her sobriety? Is she willing and able at the same time to fully open her heart up to Allah and follow Islam? These are important questions brother as you are to marry one who is on the path of Islam. If you do marry her now, I am wondering if you have children would she be able to take care of them? Would she be able to be a responsible mother and wife at this point?

 

These are just a few points to think about. I am sure she is a wonderful person brother I do not doubt that. If it were a situation where she had a history of substance abuse and/or mental illness which she overcame, it would be different. If she had significant clean time in and was on the path of healing, was practicing Islam that would be a different story. However, she is right at the start of maybe trying to get help. This means she is just at the beginning.  She hasn’t really started yet and it is a big risk.

 

You could also advise her to get mental health and substance abuse counseling and wait for her to see if she is successful with her efforts. This may take years. It would also mean not having any contact with her during this time as you know it is haram.

 

As far as marrying someone else, currently I do not suggest that you marry someone from back home unless you are sure that you are compatible with that person. Compatibility in a marriage is of vital importance. If you marry one from back home and do not really like her, you may resort to thinking about or reaching out to the Algerian girl whom you do feel that you love. That would be most harmful to both you and your new wife. Insha’Allah brother, do not rush into marriage at either point.

 

Conclusion

Brother, insha’Allah provide this girl with referrals for treatment.  Break off the relationship and take some healing time for yourself. It sounds like you too have been through a lot. It is not easy caring for someone who has an addiction and mental a heath issues.  It can be quite draining at times as we may feel helpless.  Please do take time for yourself and draw close to Allah swt for guidance and blessings. There is no hurry to marry. Insha’Allah once you have had time to reorganize your thoughts and life you will know what direction is best for you and your deen. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Assalamu alaikum. I met this person online two years ago, and after a while of talking, we connected and wanted to marry. We're both the same age and he's a revert in his family. He's a Canadian and I'm from an Indian family. But we know that we can't just keep talking to each other. So we wanted to marry. His parents accept me but mine is the problem.

I'm Indian and the whole family pride is important to my parents. They believe that getting me married by the age of 21 is crucial. They bring up Quranic references and keep forcing me to go through proposals I don't want. I would say force because if I don't say yes, they will end up fighting with me. And under all that pressure I say yes. They don't want me to marry the person I want because the keep bringing up issues like that he's studying or that his age is close to mine or that he doesn't have any money.

It's all just hard because no matter what I present to my family, they won't listen to me. I don't care that much about money or anything of that sort. I do to some extent, but I believe that through proper communication and Allah's help, I'll be okay, it’s depressing and there are so many nights I keep crying and praying that maybe Allah puts some understanding in them. I'm trying to stay as patient as I can. but with all the proposals my parents are putting me through, I don't know how much time I have. Please. what should I do?



As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

My dear sister, congratulations on meeting somebody that you are compatible with and want to marry. Indeed, that truly is a blessing.

 

Decision to Marry

It appears that you both want to continue to have a halal relationship, and you both desire marriage. His family is accepting of the marriage however yours is not. Sister I do want to point out that pleasing our parents is important. However, it is all right to get married. If the man is Islamically acceptable for you to marry, you are free to marry him regardless of what your parents say.

 

Parental Obstacles to Marriage

I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that as you are of the legal age to marry, that you remind your parents of your rights in the Qur’an to marry. I would also bring up the fact that based on the Qur’an and Hadiths, it is not wise for them to prevent a marriage. Also, tribalism, racism, and seeking one with a lot of money are not valid reasons to deny a marriage. In fact, some of these reasons are haram such as racism. I’m not sure if this is the case with your family, but racism is often found in subtle ways when people say things like “oh he or she is not from our tribe” or “oh he- she is not from our race”. It is made very clear in the Qur’an that we are all equal and none is above the other except by what is in the content of one’s heart. I will also add that as a revert to Islam, this man has made a conscious choice to follow Islam and dedicated his life to Allah. He was not born into Islam but made a conscious decision to accept Islam. This says a lot about his good character and intensions.

 

Right to Marry whom you Choose

If this man is a good man, he loves Allah and keeps his deen, I will kindly suggest that the two of you decide to get married regardless. It is true that he must support you, that is the ultimate as a man is the provider for the wife. However, if the two of you have made an agreement and arrangements that you both will be contributing to household expenses, then this is between the both of you. Many young Muslims do marry while in college and struggling financially. They feel it is best to marry, struggle, grow together and prosper together later, rather than commit haram.

 

Proposals from Parents

Regarding the proposals that your parents are putting you through sister, you do not have to say yes to any of those proposals unless you meet one whom you feel you’re compatible with and would like to marry. Do not feel forced to get married.  In Islam there’s no compulsion and a woman cannot be married against her will. Your parents cannot force you to marry one you do not want to marry.

fitness

Conclusion

Insha’Allah sister, seek Allah’s guidance. Make istakhaara prayer as well as duaa regarding the situation. If after prayers you still feel the same, I encourage you dear sister to approach your parents one more time in a loving way. Discuss with them your decision to marry him and ask for their blessings.  If they do not agree, I will kindly suggest that you do marry him anyhow as this is the one you have chosen, and perhaps this is the man Allah has chosen for you.  We wish you the best.

My father in law has never liked me since I got married to his son. He did not want to move in with us but when he got kicked out from his apartment he came in a heartbeat. After 1 year he got married at the age of 62 and bought his new wife with her child without even telling us. It’s been 3 years not but now I want them to move out. They both husband wife work. Please tell me if I am doing it wrong.



As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation with your father-in-law. I can imagine it is most difficult living with somebody who you know does not like you and did not like you since you and his son got married. May Allah bless you for your efforts to make your father-in-law feel at home when he got kicked out of his apartment.

 

Living Arrangements

As I understand your situation, about a year after he moved in with you and your husband, he got married. At this point he brought his new wife and child to move in with the family without telling you or your husband. It has been three years since he moved in you are getting tired of the situation which is understandable.

 

Questions to Consider

Sister to address your situation correctly I would ask you to reflect on the following insha’Allah:  1. does he treat you with respect and dignity now? 2.  is he kind to you? 3. does he and his wife contribute to the household financially? 4 does his wife help with the household chores? 5. does their living with you interfere with you and your husband’s relationship? 6. does their living there interfere with your daily worship and responsibilities to Allah? 7. What are the joys and positives of them living with you?

 

Consult with your Husband

I will kindly suggest that insha’Allah you look at these questions and thoughtfully answer them. I also suggest that you discuss your concerns with your husband and point out areas wherein his fathers (and wife, child) presence may be detrimental to your household.

 

If there are no negatives or detriments to them being there, your husband may indeed wish to care for his father as he is nearing an elderly age. On the other hand, as his father is remarried with a new wife and child, it is his father’s responsibility to support his wife and child not you or your husband’s.

 

Insha’Allah, if it is a situation that is tolerable for a little while longer, and it does not affect your relationship with your husband or your deen, I would kindly suggest discussing with your husband a phasing out approach. This could be a situation wherein your father-in-law and his wife would begin to think about getting their own place. Perhaps setting up a year timeline so they can prepare.

 

Father in Law, Wife, Child

Your father-in-law is active and works, it’s not like he is elderly, sick, or disabled and needs help. His living with you and your husband appears to be either something that is convenient for him, or he truly does desire to be near you and your husband and share life.

 

To understand what the best way is to move with a situation such as this, it would take your understanding of why he desires to live there as well. Perhaps your father-in-law changed his mind after you got married. Perhaps he truly does love and respect you sister. Perhaps he wants to be a family unit. If this were the case I would kindly suggest that you reconsider wanting them to move out based only on the thought that he did not like you.

 

Your Rights as a Wife

Granted, every wife wants a home with her husband and her family. You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. If their being there is causing you much grief and anguish, you have the right to have your own home. Please do discuss this with your husband in a kind manner. Assure him that you do love his family but would prefer the family unit to remain as you and him (and any children that you may have).

 

Final Assessment of the Situation

Insha’Allah, after assessing the situation your husband and you can determine which route is most beneficial for everybody involved. Please do ensure that you have looked at all sides and have the needed information to make good recommendations. I’m sure that you both will have everybody’s best interest at heart when talking about the possibility of them either staying or moving out. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Asslamalaikum. I have married the 3rd time to a married man without the consent of his wife, and now I am feeling that he played a double game with me. He is keeping both of us in darkness. I feel so deserted. I think my life is worthless and I should die.



As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

I will do my best to address your question inshallah. As you do not provide much information sister, from what I can gather you have married a man and you are his second wife. According to you, his first wife does not know, and you feel both of you are in “darkness”. I can imagine that you are very hurt sister and feel your husband has betrayed you and his first wife. As you know sister, in Islam a man can have up to four wives if he follows the Islamic conditions regarding taking more than one wife. It is thoughtful and considerate if a husband discusses his intent to take another wife with his current wife, however, her consent is not needed.

 

The Nature of your Marriage

Sister, regarding your marriage to your husband, I’m wondering if your marriage was made public (community knowledge)? If it was not public there are some scholars who state it is haram because it is going against the sunnah which stresses that a marriage be made known and public. Dear sister, I am not sure if this pertains to you so please forgive me if I am wrong, but I just thought I would include this if it is relevant in your case.

 

Identifying Sources of Confusion and Uncertainty

Are you in contact with his first wife? Do you know her? As I am unsure as to the relationship between the three of you as well as your living arrangements, I will kindly advise you to discuss with your husband your concerns. Insha’Allah sister, you are familiar with your rights regarding marriage. I would suggest insha’Allah, that you make a list of things that are not clear to you regarding your marriage. You may use the facts and rights granted to you as a Muslim wife to discuss things with your husband that are of concern.

 

Seeking Answers and Resolving Issues

Insha’Allah your husband will provide comfort and security regarding your concerns. If he does not, you may want to go to your local Masjid and speak with an imam regarding your situation.  By seeking Islamic counsel, this will provide an opportunity for you to fully expand upon your situation in detail. We also have a section here called “Ask the Scholars”, perhaps the feedback and advice you may get will be more entailed and specific to your situation.  I encourage you to write them sister or see your imam where you live.

 

Feeling Deserted and Worthless

At this point I just don’t know what the situation is, other than you are married to a man who has a wife and you are “feeling so deserted that (you) think (your) life is worthless”. You further state that you are left in darkness and you feel you should die. Based on your emotional state, I will kindly suggest dear sister that you do seek counseling in your area regarding the way you feel. I am concerned about your emotional state.

Sister, please know that while you may feel depressed or sad right now there is always a solution insha’Allah.  You can write us again with more detail if you wish. Please know you are not alone. Allah does not create “worthless” things or people sister, you are loved and cherished and precious in the sight of Allah. We all are tested with different things in this life sister. Often, we just have to take the steps to get our answers and ultimately if needed, make changes in our lives. It is never too late to make changes sister. Our biggest blessings often come after we have made our way through a darkness, with Allah as our stronghold.

 

Conclusion

Sister please do speak with your husband about your feelings and concerns. If he cannot provide satisfactory support and answers, please do write to our “Ask the Scholars” section with details or see your local imam. Insha’Allah, please do see a counselor in your area to address your feelings of what may be depression. I encourage you to attend the Masjid in your area and begin to create supports within the community of sisters there. Insha’Allah dear sister some of this has been helpful, please do let us know how you are or write to us with further details if you would like. You are in our prayers.

Salaam. My family includes myself, my wife and parents. The problem is all of us get ill regularly and almost half our house expenditure goes to medicines. Can someone guide what could be the reason and how to overcome this?



As salamu alaykum my dear brother and Ramadan Mubarak.

 

Dear brother, I am sorry to hear that your family has been getting ill a lot lately. As I don’t know the nature of the sicknesses in the home, it could be due to any numerous of things. The main goals are to identify the points of entry which colds, illnesses etc. are being brought into the home, and how to reduce or prevent them from entering and thriving in your home.

 

Some Possible Causes of Spreading Illnesses

 

If there are children in the home who are in preschool, often children bring home a lot of flu’s, colds and viruses as their immune systems are still building up and they are exposed to a lot of different germs. If it is that someone takes public transportation on a regular basis, it could be that the germs and viruses are coming into the house through that mode. Buses and trains are notorious for germs and other sicknesses to be lingering. When one is in a crowded or a compacted area where there’s little air, where there is coughing, breathing, and other human aspects, this can transmit illnesses.

 

Reducing Chances of Getting Ill

 

If this is the case where you or someone else in the family takes a transit daily, they may wish to wear a face mask. In a lot of large cities, some people who use transit systems do wear face masks to reduce or prevent colds, flu’s and other illnesses.

 

I will kindly suggest that you implement extra hand-washing in your family. I am sure that everybody is very hygienic and does wash their hands, however implementing extra hand washing can often reduce the transmission of illnesses.

 

You may also want to ensure that the surfaces in your home have been sanitized, especially the kitchen and bathroom areas. There are solutions you can make or buy in the store if you are prone to family outbreaks of illnesses. I started using Clorox wipes on everything when my family started getting sick a lot and it did seem to cut down on transmission and frequency. You can also use a water and bleach solution to kill germs, or you can buy sanitation sprays and other cleaning products that are made for specific areas in the home. Try to think about the areas that are touched a lot, that one may not think about cleaning daily such as door knobs, closet handles, cupboard handles, toys, and other things.

 

Tips and Advices

 

I am not sure if this is applicable in your case or what your situation is with children’s toys, but if there are toys in the home, please do wash them on a regular basis.  I know it helped my family immensely when my children were in preschool.

 

You may also wish to implement a nutritionally based change in your family diets such as eliminating a lot of sugars, preservatives, and other things in foods which weaken our bodies. Increasing fresh fruits and vegetables and drinking lots of good, clean water also flushes out your system and strengthens the immune system.  I have found that black seed oil, raw honey, dates and turmeric with a little pepper greatly helped in times of illness.  In fact, I do give it to myself and children daily as a smoothie mixed with coconut water as a preventive measure.

 

Conclusion

 

By identifying the source of incoming illnesses such as being around or in crowded places, such as transit systems, daycare, schools and workplaces you can take preventive measures to reduce catching an illness (extra hand washing, face masks, etc.) Disinfecting commonly used items/fixtures surfaces such as doorknobs, counters, and toys etc will insha’Allah, kill anything that may get in or be lingering from a previous or current illness. Increase your family’s nutritional options with more healthy foods, eliminate or reduce harmful foods such as processed foods, sugar, and other “dead” foods.  Introduce holistic herbs, spices, teas and blackseed oil daily for added protection to fight off illnesses. Insha’Allah you can strengthen their immune systems to fight off illnesses. This of course, is not a conclusive list but a lot of people have had good success using these methods. We have all experienced times when our families seem to catch illness after illness.  It is frustrating, but with little changes in awareness, routine, habits and diet, insha’Allah you can reduce the times that you and your family are ill. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.