Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Your goal is not to be like their mother, but rather to help them accept you for who you are.
•Assure them that you will work to build a relationship with them based on trust, kindness, and love.
•If by chance, the mother is not alive, then they may need to deal with the loss, and you could focus on helping them with those feelings of sadness.
•There is a possibility that the girls could develop some jealousy when they see you with their father.
•Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to guide you and to fill your hearts with mutual affection for them.
As-salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. Allah Most High has willed it so that natural or biological parents of children are the only recognized parents, and therefore, even emotionally, the girls will never be able to accept you as their mother.
However, as the wife of their father, you deserve to be treated with all the dignity, respect, kindness, and love.
There are a few challenges you are bound to face and for which you should prepare. How the girls treat you will depend to some degree on whether the girls’ mother is alive or not and why the first marriage was dissolved.
If their mother is alive and the first marriage ended in a divorce, they will constantly compare you with her—Why can’t you be like her?
Your goal is not to be like their mother, but rather to help them accept you for who you are. Assure them that you will work to build a relationship with them based on trust, kindness, and love.
If, by chance, the mother is not alive, then they may need to deal with the loss, and you could focus on helping them with those feelings of sadness.
Knowing that you care for their well-being and that you are allowing them to share their feelings of loss about their mother with you will help to strengthen the bonds between you and them.
There is a possibility that the girls could develop some jealousy when they see you with their father because it is often difficult for children to accept that a new woman has entered their father’s life.
Not only might they be upset because you are “replacing” their mother, but perhaps also because in the early months of the marriage, your husband might be inclined to give you a lot of attention, which you rightly deserve all the time.
But an obvious problem will arise if he does not balance giving you attention with also giving the girls attention.
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Finally, since one of the girls is a teenager and the other will be in a couple of years or so, it is imperative that you befriend these girls as well.
Al-hamdu lillah, that they are both girls, because if they feel comfortable enough with you, they will seek you out, in sha’ Allah, for help with facing the challenges associated with reaching maturity.
Remember that you are here to stay, and so you need to approach each day with care and caution and do your best to build a family out of these individual parts—the girls, you, and your husband.
Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah to guide you and to fill your hearts with the mutual affection for one and another.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!
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