I’m newly divorced with three children. I finished my 3 month waiting period. Shortly after, I meet a man who at the time was currently separated from his wife, but is still married to her. He is looking for love and sexual relationship but wants to do it the halal way. He told me that he can bring two witnesses (his friends) and another friend who is a hafiz to get us married. This will be done in his apartment not a mosque.
I have not told anyone about this because I’m conflicted and I don’t know what can happen. He told many times that he doesn’t want to do anything haram, yet I feel so bad because of his wife and kids. Now he is back at home with them to ‘save’ some money and is currently renting his apartment.
I honestly feel that he is only using me for sexual relations and on many occasions, he would talk to me about his sexual desires with me, which also made me feel bad and horrible. He seems nice but I’m not sure. I have prayed istakara many times and my feelings seem conflicted, but my gut always seems to tell me something is wrong with this whole picture. A part of me wants to be with him since I have grown feelings for him and I don’t want to spend my life alone either.
Now that he is at his home with his wife and kids his texting and talking have become less, although he does reach out to me every day. He told me that he doesn’t want to see me until we get married because he doesn’t want to do anything haram and doesn’t want to displease Allah in any way.
My parents don’t know about him, and I know they won’t approve of this at all. I also live in the west which doesn’t allow of such marriages. My idea of second wives have always been short lived marriages and I feel that once a man is done he often goes back to his family. He has told me that they are his first priority. I never disagreed to any of this.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• The fact that he wants to keep a potential second marriage secret is not a good sign. Based on what he has said about his family, and his return to them, I would recommend even more caution with regards to this person.
• What appears to be part of the problem here is that there is no third party who is chaperoning interactions between the two of you.
• Instead of pursuing another relationship so quickly, my personal recommendation is that you focus on your own well-being, development, healing, and growth (and that of your children).
• It would be best to cut off your interactions with this person entirely, and channel that energy in a manner that will impact you more positively.
• Turn to Allah in prayer and remembrance. Ask Him for guidance and to grant you the strength and patience as you face new challenges.
Wa ‘Alaikumus-Salaam wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh,
Thank you for reaching out to us at AboutIslam.net! I am glad that you are seeking advice before making any decisions about a very serious and complicated manner.
While polygamy is, indeed, permissible in Islam, it comes with many conditions, most notably that of justice. A Muslim man who chooses to take on more than one wife is required to be fair and just between them, in terms of time and finances.
Allah says: {And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.} (al-Nisa’ 4:3)
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa’i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969)
Unfortunately, many Muslim men do not take these warnings seriously and use polygamy as a convenient way to take advantage of the second wife and not upholding her rights. It is good that you are cognizant and wary of the situation you are in and the individual that you are dealing with.
The fact that he wants to keep a potential second marriage secret is not a good sign. Based on what he has said about his family, and his return to them, I would recommend even more caution with regards to this person.
It is also very worrisome and indeed disturbing that he has already spoken to you about his sexual desires and fantasies. While this is permissible for married couples to speak about, it is absolutely out of line and prohibited for those who are unmarried to discuss in such detail, and especially on a personal level/ about one another. It is wildly inappropriate for him to broach such discussions with you.
What appears to be part of the problem here is that there is no third party who is chaperoning interactions between the two of you.
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:
“No man should be alone with a woman unless there is a mahram with them.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
He also said: “No man is alone with a woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present.” (Tirmidhi)
The prohibition on non-mahram men and women interacting in private is precisely to prevent situations such as the one you’ve found yourself in. With a third party present, this individual would not feel so shameless as to talk so openly about his sexual desires. He would also feel less emboldened to convince you to do a secret marriage.
Check out this counseling video:
Secret marriages are neither permissible in Islam nor beneficial. They are usually used as ways to take advantage of women and use them for the man’s selfish needs.
Your gut feelings are accurate: this person has violated several boundaries already and does not seem to be a very trustworthy or honorable individual. There is little from his behavior that gives a sense of confidence as to how well he would treat you after marriage or how committed he would be.
After all, if he’s already talking to you in this way, while you are not married to him, and he is still married to his first wife, what guarantee do you have that he isn’t talking to other women in the same way? What guarantee do you have that he would not do the same behind your back if you were married to him?
You mentioned that you are still newly divorced and with three children. Instead of pursuing another relationship so quickly, my personal recommendation is that you focus on your own well-being, development, healing, and growth (and that of your children). It’s tempting to go straight for a ‘rebound relationship,’ but such relationships are often very unhealthy and not beneficial for one’s long-term well-being.
It would be best to cut off your interactions with this person entirely, and channel that energy in a manner that will impact you more positively.
This is a chapter in your life that requires self-reflection and connection to Allah. Turn to Allah in prayer and remembrance. Ask Him for guidance and to grant you the strength and patience as you face new challenges. Seek His help and remember that He alone can bring you comfort, peace, and tranquility.
Pursue things which bring you joy, which helps you grow as a person and as a believer. You will discover that by revisiting your relationship with Allah and focusing on your faith, you will find yourself healthier, happier, and better able to make healthier decisions with regards to any future marriages, inshaAllah.
{And seek help through patience and prayer…} (Qur’an 2:45)
May Allah protect you from all harm and grant you a joyful, blessed future,
Ameen!
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